AIBU to loathe the people here?

[OnenessWithAllStrife]

Some people say that feeling a negative emotion or having unpleasant feelings about something shouldn't define you, that you should let the thoughts flow and then let them go. OK. I hope this to be true :(

But i have lived somewhere for the past 6 years that has brought me to conclusions and created feelings in me that I am not proud of. For the first time in my life I have actually come to loathe people and feel a sense of terror about being stuck with them. This is not particularly politically 'correct' when put into words, unfortunately, but I can't think of any other way to express it.

I moved to a town6 yrs ago in which I don't have much in common with the residents. It isn't unusual, just an ordinary large town which at one time contained more diversity, but in recent years has become very insular and homogenous. Everyone is angry, anti social, or depressed. If you don't openly discuss some sort of prejudice (racism, sexism, anti-intellectualism) you're 'soft in the head' or a 'bloody weirdo'.
Wherever I go here, in any direction, you will either see kids or drunk adults destroying property, or else screaming at each other in the street. There are a few select areas that are less challenging and rough, but the vibe is somehow the same.

Education or reading is a mugs game, football is the only passion, kids are yelled at for merely existing. Any conversation with a seemingly friendly stranger results in them wishing all the foreigners to go home. There is a general air of brutality to everything, a leathery, hard resistance to any kind of sensitivity whatsoever. Art, creativity and self reflection are suspicious, and the only permissible clothing is black or sport branded. Every damned street is choked with the fumes of endlessly revved up vehicles with ear splitting exhaust modifications. The environment is filthy, full of dog shit and bordering on dereliction.

I would once have considered all of this a problem of poverty, but it isn't quite that easy to determine, having witnessed it. There is no seeming variation in behaviour across income brackets here, it looks to be more cultural than income related, although the attitude towards learning, etc will obviously have the effect of creating more poverty regardless. It is like a self perpetuating cesspit of no hope and hard hearts. I thought i was a leftie, a socialist, but when I leave here I will be fucking marked by this and hope to never exist within it ever again.

We moved here for DP's work and are set to leave this coming year. I also appreciate that the residents and I have experienced very different upbringings and we do not share much in common, but even so, I think that you have to endure this to really, really see it, to come to fear it. It is easy to sit in a comfy armchair miles from it and 'defend' this stuff because you haven't truly sampled the existential sickness of it on your own doorstep.
I wish i didn't feel it, but it is difficult to lie to oneself, and the fear has probably evolved from having felt 'stuck' in it for so long. I wfh and DP does part time (some here regard us as 'pretentious' for this and have suggested we ought to do some 'real' work). It all feels very dated and odd, to be surrounded by values that repulse me and contain so little diversity. I mean, this is the type of place where you'll get side-eyed for cooking from scratch or having the audacity to flavour a dish with pesto.

Does this mean I loathe them? I don't know. I imagine I will chill with it when we have moved, as it all becomes a distant memory, but it has certainly left a mark. It feels wrong to state these feelings and observations, but I bet I am not the only one who has thought them....

Is this in Scotland?

Wigan town centre?

If so I feel for you. It's a dreadful place. Anyone who can get out does so, which leaves the pool very limited and anyone who would like to get out but can't due to circumstances gets turned and squashed until they think like everyone else. It suffers terribly from being too close to Manchester and yet too far. Some of the villages on the outskirts are quite nice though.

It's a bleak place but not its own fault.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

It's Grantham or Scunthorpe, isn't it!

It's Wigan...

So you were a leftie until you actually stepped out into the real world and were forced to brush shoulders with Common People. That's fairly normal OP.

But yes, parts of Wigan are incredibly shit.

Parts of lots of places are incredibly shit

Ah...Croydon...

My point is that those tax dodging millionaires do far more damage than ‘benefits cheats’ but we barely ever talk about them because let’s all blame the ‘undeserving poor’ instead.

I don’t know what you watch or read @PotatoPie888, but people are always talking about tax dodging millionaires.

We moved here for DP's work and are set to leave this coming year.

You just have to hang on in there then @OnenessWithAllStrife . Not long now. Have as little as possible to do with those you don't like- maybe go to some events/groups in the nearest city or whatever, or online, to chat to people more on your wavelength. Reconnect with and see old friends. Do all of this ASAP before any more Covid restrictions that might happen. There might be some Xmas parties you can go along to somewhere. Maybe join any local branch of political parties you find slightly more on your wavelength? Even if there are just a few people involved they might be ok and enjoy letting off steam and having a moan about the right-wing locals with you.

I probably wouldn't be that bothered about it myself, but you have to do whatever makes things better for you.

@KatherineJaneway

I bet you'd love it here, why not move? Come and warm to the charm and down-to-earthiness! I bet you'd shit yourself if you did.

We can't because you won't say where it is

Wigan.

Op said it.

Sounds very similar to the town I was brought up in. It's well known around the Lincolnshire area as being sonewhere you don't stop in but continue to drive through 😂. I however have some find memories of it, particularly fun on a night out where you'd meet all types of characters.

I returned there in 2015 with my daughter but had to move as it was making her genuinely depressed, she stated that it is a town of no hope and she hated it. I did a quick house swap to a city that's supposedly quite nice and though it has some serious beauty, I have been miserable since moving here and it's defibately worse than the town I come from, in my opinion.

Sigh.

@BoredZelda Yes, these tax dodgers are always being prosecuted and not at all ever being elected as MPs or living it up in tax havens.

Fwiw I read an extensive number of newspapers.

Yes, these tax dodgers are always being prosecuted and not at all ever being elected as MPs or living it up in tax havens.

So now you've gone from never hearing about them, to hearing they are being elected and living it up in tax havens? Which is it?

Fwiw I read an extensive number of newspapers

Perhaps try a broader range. The assertion nobody ever talks about rich people dodging tax is ludicrous.

What an incredibly vile post, in my experience it is just like most other places, a mix of nice and unpleasant areas. I certainly don't recognise your description of it except, perhaps, the town centre, although most high streets have been suffering for many years. You must live in one of the roughest areas to witness this. Perhaps if you had had a better income you could have afforded to move somewhere nicer within Wigan when your arrived? The part where I live is much nicer than you describe, house prices are around the national average, most people work from home in good jobs, including me. Our household income is 6 figures combined despite me only working part time. Our DC go to a state primary that has been in the top 10% of the country league table wise for the past 5 years. Culture wise you have big cities close by. I have 3 siblings and all of us have professional jobs requiring degrees, only one of us has moved from the area for work.

Go away @BoredZelda

I was going to guess Wigan when I first saw this thread!

I'm from a nearby town that has very similar social problems. The town centre goes: vape shop, nail bar, cheaper version of Poundland, Greggs, charity shop, pawn shop, BrightHouse. Most of the men in my family (and a few of the women) have been battered senseless on the street for 'looking at someone funny' or something equally innocuous. A person with a non-local accent would be taking their life in their hands by going into some of the pubs on a weekend night, I certainly never let my ex go on a night out there when we went back to visit my family; he would have been twatted for sure. I've seen many men get a severe kicking by a gang of others, or being glassed out of the blue; it is common. More people from my school went to prison than went to university. These places exist and they are grim shitholes.

There are no good, honest, working class jobs anymore; just zero hours contracts for the minimum wage. There is no local pride or chance for people to earn a decent living. Anyone who wants to make something of themselves leaves. The only ones left are the ones trapped by poverty and circumstance, so the toxicity becomes more concentrated and entrenched.

The government needs to invest more in local industry, in apprenticeships so young people can find skilled or semi skilled work that gives them a sense of satisfaction. But the government isn't arsed and is happy to let their citizens live these violent and poverty stricken existences, with low life expectancies and high rates of crime.

@Cobiemakesmesmulder

Wigan town centre?

If so I feel for you. It's a dreadful place. Anyone who can get out does so, which leaves the pool very limited and anyone who would like to get out but can't due to circumstances gets turned and squashed until they think like everyone else. It suffers terribly from being too close to Manchester and yet too far. Some of the villages on the outskirts are quite nice though.

It's a bleak place but not its own fault.

Completely agree. Bleak is a good word and yes you do get sneered at for not thinking like everyone else or for being "posh". Birkenhead is the same, overshadowed by Liverpool. It's not its fault, that's the point I wanted to make upthread.

Essentially OP is stating that she has a visceral loathing of the white working classes.

Yes, and OP is not 'sad and ashamed', she's revelling in it.

There are no good, honest, working class jobs anymore; just zero hours contracts for the minimum wage. There is no local pride or chance for people to earn a decent living. Anyone who wants to make something of themselves leaves. The only ones left are the ones trapped by poverty and circumstance, so the toxicity becomes more concentrated and entrenched.

Well said. Yes the bedroom tax etc is relevant. Tories took a bad situation and made it worse. Brexit was one of the few weapons people had, to tell them to get fucked. What else could the people have done.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I can’t believe someone guessed Croydon! I know it’s not beautiful, but its if nothing else inclusive and open minded

In my defence, I grew up in New Addington in the days when "P*s go home" and National Front graffiti covered the walls and pavements.

When I left home, I moved to the Croydon/Thornton Heath borders. A young black man was pulled from his moped and beaten to death by a gang of racists, about half a mile from where I was living.

I now live in a different sort of ghetto: incredibly middle class. The Guardian sells more copies than all the other papers put together and the "artisan" bakery has people queuing up to buy bread at £4 a loaf. The council is run by a coalition of Lib Dems, Greens and Labour.

It's Smugsville, and I want to move.

@PotatoPie888

And yes *@ThousandsOfTulips* you are worrying because you represent a growing trend towards hatred of the ‘undeserving poor.’ Personally I prefer to detest tax dodgers rather than so-called benefits cheats.

Me too.

I work in welfare rights, and I spend every working day doing my utmost to make sure that poor people get every penny they're entitled to.

@OnenessWithAllStrife

I would love to hear how to fix this, not feel it! If any of you have experienced this and managed to come to love it like a fucking zen master, i would welcome your helpful advice!

can people honestly say they would like it in a place like this and think themselves ignorant for noticing the rot?

So this post above is how far in the thread I've read, no time to read more just now.

I can offer some sticking-plaster advice for how to temporarily fix it, until you move.

I've lived on the outskirts of somewhere twice that I suspect could be seen to have this vibe closer to the centre. It's very hard to explain, but you've worded it quite well. It's the vibe of a destroyed town with chronically socially-ill inhabitants, towns where a certain type of government instigated actions have lead to the demise of the industry the town originally sprung up from, causing widespread poverty and pervasive apathy among the inhabitants. I understand that feeling of fearing the general vibe ofghe place and wanting to run away from it before it "gets you".

I realise you maybe don't want to hear this but I wonder if you need some antidepressants to help you tolerate the environment until you can move away. It sounds like it's affecting you greatly, you seem fearful, on-edge, angry and depressed.

Play music constantly at home (unless you're watching TV.) Not to drown out the noise but to give you something else to focus on except the noise. Go out at midday for an hour or two, somewhere relatively quiet like a park or library. Don't listen to music or try to read, leave your phone alone. Just sit, watch the clouds or something, notice the changing seasons, do nothing and just 'be', try to let your mind gradually settle a bit. It will give you a break from the pent up feelings generated by the constant noise pollution at home. Like tipping some water out of an overflowing bucket.

Do you have any friends in the area? Or people out of the area who you regularly phone? Agree not to discuss depressing negative general topics with them eg immigration or covid, so that your social interactions take you away from that negative mindset temporarily. If aquaintences talk negatively to you when you bump into them, try if possible to have your main focus be on steering the conversation when you're talking to others, not who the are or what they think, ignoring the things you don't want to talk about eg their racist views and talk about things that you do want to talk about, positive things. Trying to actively make every interaction as positive as possible. So you're not being constantly sucked into negative conversation by miserable people who want to drag you down.

Be different. Have the courage to be stared at for dressing differently, to be thought of as odd or weird for having different views from the mainstream there or not wanting to discuss certain things. Be the anomaly and don't apologise for it. Wear bright colours to counteract all the black you see around you. At least you'll smile when you look into the mirror.

Is your home nice and welcoming to you (excluding the noise)? If not, repaint it in more cheerful colours. It's not a waste of time because you're moving, if it helps your mental health. Throw out the broken and the tatty, the unloved and unused, the depressing black clothes, the sports logoed status symbols, the things you look at that makes you sigh and feel weary. Go minimalist. Your mind is cluttered, with noise and negativity. At least be able to look around your home and not have to see visual clutter. Even if you're not generally a minimalist person you could have a greater need for space at the moment. It might also be a comfort knowing that packing up and moving is easier.

If you have any spare time, find something to get involved in, whether that's volunteering, a community project, or just create a personal project for yourself, something positive and preferably that gets you out of the house away from the noise. The only point to it is to add some positivity into your life, so it doesn't matter what it is or if you're really into it or not.

Feel free to ignore all this if it's not help to you, but this is what I'd do if it was me in this situation.

Go away @BoredZelda**

Perhaps that’s why you don’t hear people talking about things if that’s how you engage when people challenge ludicrous statements you make.

Essentially OP is stating that she has a visceral loathing of the white working classes

No she isn't - well, not unless you believe that all white, working-class people display the attitudes and behaviour that the OP describes in her first post. I hope you don't believe that, because that would be a very prejudiced point of view.

Oh, I used to live somewhere like that. Small village in central Scotland. Sterotypical junkies with their staffies, broken windows every weekend, couldn't use a door bell but would stand outside and shout till the person they wanted came to the window. The locals and most of the people who live there to this day still think it's the best place along the line of villages and that it's a bloody great place to live and bring up your dead end family. Get out whilst you can. I've never looked back, even though I'm only two villages away.

@BoredZelda I just can’t be bothered arguing with horrible people.