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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family making no effort with children

69 replies

Greenleaves20 · 29/11/2021 21:18

Fallen out with DH over his sister not having visited our 2nd baby who is now just over 6 months old. He thinks it’s fine as things have just got in the way (work etc) and I think you make an effort for people you want to see. Personally I would rather not spend much time with people who don’t want to spend time with us in future, life is too short for that!

Sister in law and her husband are only visiting to attend a funeral of one of their friends dads (to be with the friend rather than actually having known this person very well), otherwise we wouldn’t have seen them until Christmas. At Christmas they are coming on Christmas Day (late) to the in laws and the whole of Christmas (22 people) is being put on hold until the next day so that they can be here for it. Then they leave on the 27th to go to see a friends baby in Ireland.

Prior to this, they hadn’t seen our other DC for 18 months when we went down to see them on our way somewhere (which was a detour but we felt we would do to catch up as it had been a while before that). On that particular visit they made no effort at all except for a cup of tea outside, and I felt we were intruding. DC was only 18 months old and he was basically ignored. I feel that despite covid there have been weekends etc where there have been opportunities to visit.

So AIBU, should I still make an effort to see them in future or keep it to family events mainly?

OP posts:
2typesofjungle · 29/11/2021 21:21

Match the effort they make and make peace with it.

MichelleScarn · 29/11/2021 21:22

How often did you try to go to them?

askingforafriend80 · 29/11/2021 21:23

i missed the part where you make an effort to visit them? Apart from when it was convenient to you so maybe visiting you isn’t convenient to her.
Maybe she doesn’t like kids so sees not need to visit Confused
You sound quite self obsessed

royco · 29/11/2021 21:25

Are they ttc?

idontlikealdi · 29/11/2021 21:26

Did you arrange to see them?

LindaLooky · 29/11/2021 21:27

I agree with you OP, that pretty poor. When your brother has a baby you would usually make a point of visiting. It just shows you give a shit.

Cocomarine · 29/11/2021 21:27

A cup of tea outside?
So was that during Covid restrictions?

If you’re not into babies / toddlers, then they’re really quite dull.

mybroomstick · 29/11/2021 21:27

Do you visit them?

Cocomarine · 29/11/2021 21:28

Hit post too soon!
Wanted to ask: how often did you see each other before you had children? I don’t think it makes sense to expect any more frequent visiting than previously.

peboh · 29/11/2021 21:29

My BIL has spent approximately 20 minutes of time with my DD since she was born, she turns 3 next month.
It really doesn't bother me. He just isn't a close family member to her, despite him and my dh getting on well. I'll never try to force relationships, and I also refuse to get offended when people don't make my child their entire life and priority because whilst she may be my world, she isn't theirs and that's totally cool.

WellLarDeDar · 29/11/2021 21:29

Have you invited them over?

IncompleteSenten · 29/11/2021 21:31

How often do you go to them?

lastqueenofscotland · 29/11/2021 21:32

Do you invite them?
Also 18 months surely was when covid restrictions were high.
Also if you don’t like children babies are boring, toddlers and young children are really irritating and preteens/early teens are often just awful. You notice this much less with your own

MrzClaus · 29/11/2021 21:32

In the last 18 months there's been many restrictions etc, and if you have another young baby you were pregnant for some of it so perhaps they didn't want to pose a risk?

My BU vote would depend on - do you invite them round and make it clear despite having 2 under 2 you'd like them to visit? Do you arrange to do things? Do you also visit them? IMO if you are making lots of effort and they're ignoring, they are BU.

Also your DC are your world - but to others (even family!) they're not always the most interesting / important thing. I find family children way more fun age 5 and up! Prior to that any visit is rather boring, DC don't doo much / we can't do much when we visit etc.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 29/11/2021 21:33

Have you invited them to visit and they've turned you down?
Have you asked to visit them and been snubbed?
If neither of those then you can't really justify being annoyed. If you are actually being turned down then I'd accept the lack of interest and let it go.

TheChip · 29/11/2021 21:34

What kind of effort do you want them to make? What kind of a relationship did you envision them having with your children?

My sister just sees my kids whenever. She doesn't come to see them specifically, nor do I with my niece. My aunts and uncles never went out of their ways to come and see us kids either. They visited our parents and we just happened to be there. It was just the norm for my family to rush to see new babies and then see them whenever after that.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 29/11/2021 21:34

Doesn't seem like either of you make an affort, TBH. Surely she could have written a similar post?

CaddieDawg · 29/11/2021 21:35

I think this largely depends on your relationship pre kids. If you were really close before and visiting loads etc, then yes I'd be upset but maybe more going on i.e. they're having issues to conceive or just don't like kids? If you've never really been that close and visited often, I don't know why you'd expect that to change?

Santaischeckinglists · 29/11/2021 21:36

I would assume all dc under 18 months have pretty much been ignored tbh!!.
Middle of a pandemic incase your TV is broken op...

Lostmyheart101 · 29/11/2021 21:36

Doesn’t matter if babies are boring or they don’t see their nephew/niece as their entire world, as family they should atleast act like they give a shit and come and meet the new baby, which is the newest family member.

I wouldn’t bother with them, it’s not your job to run after them and get them to act like family, I would put in as much effort as they do

Skyll · 29/11/2021 21:37

You don’t appear to have made much of an effort to see them either?

Winifredgoose · 29/11/2021 21:38

I can't understand why the focus is on them coming to see your children. Surely whether you see people or not is about the relationship between the adults? Have you tried to arrange to meet them? Invited them? Arranged to meet half way?

Lostmyheart101 · 29/11/2021 21:40

I don’t get why posters are asking what effort you put in, surly that’s irrelevant!!!

If you had a baby, wouldn’t you expect your mum, dad, brothers and sisters want to come and meet him/her!?

Ozanj · 29/11/2021 21:40

Why are you bothering with them? Just don’t.

Wombat69 · 29/11/2021 21:41

I didn't see my dn much when they were little. Parents were tired and occasionally very demanding. It got a bit demoralising, especially with poor communication but it's probably ok now, when the kids are older.