Family making no effort with children

[Greenleaves20]

Fallen out with DH over his sister not having visited our 2nd baby who is now just over 6 months old. He thinks it’s fine as things have just got in the way (work etc) and I think you make an effort for people you want to see. Personally I would rather not spend much time with people who don’t want to spend time with us in future, life is too short for that!

Sister in law and her husband are only visiting to attend a funeral of one of their friends dads (to be with the friend rather than actually having known this person very well), otherwise we wouldn’t have seen them until Christmas. At Christmas they are coming on Christmas Day (late) to the in laws and the whole of Christmas (22 people) is being put on hold until the next day so that they can be here for it. Then they leave on the 27th to go to see a friends baby in Ireland.

Prior to this, they hadn’t seen our other DC for 18 months when we went down to see them on our way somewhere (which was a detour but we felt we would do to catch up as it had been a while before that). On that particular visit they made no effort at all except for a cup of tea outside, and I felt we were intruding. DC was only 18 months old and he was basically ignored. I feel that despite covid there have been weekends etc where there have been opportunities to visit.

So AIBU, should I still make an effort to see them in future or keep it to family events mainly?

Don't worry too much.

The road’s the same length both ways 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have a very simple rule. I see people I want to see and I don’t sulk with people who don’t want to see me.

Thanks for some of the responses, some very helpful points! You’re definitely right, other people’s children are no where near as amazing as the parents think they are and I totally get that. Also they don’t have children yet (through choice due to career progression etc according to MIL) so it’s probably very boring seeing other people’s children. We had IVF for both of ours which was a long and difficult process so I suppose that has changed my thought process on things, which is probably unreasonable.

We’ve invited them to ours a few times but mainly just see them at the in-laws. I suppose it’s more making the effort to see a new baby that I thought was the done thing but I’m clearly wrong on that based on some of your responses! @LindaLooky said what I was thinking, it shows you give a shit.

The falling out with DH is that he still thinks we should continue to make effort with them and I’d prefer m to just accept they CBA and just see them when we see them if that makes sense? I don’t want to always be thinking they can be bothered when they can’t. I envisaged the children having an aunt who wanted to spend time with them because that’s what I’d do for my sisters children, but clearly that’s not the usual situation for most people.

This eve for example I’m exhausted as have been up all night with baby and want to go to bed to prepare for another busy night. DH thinks I should go and socialise with them and thinks I should make an effort which I disagree with.

Have you ever made the effort to visit them? Did you visit them before you had children.

We moved away from family and it does get tiresome when some people never make the effort to visit and expect you to do it every single time.

@Lostmyheart101 this is what I thought but lots of people seem to think that’s not right!

It’s difficult to travel for 4 hours with a newborn and a toddler I don’t want to force myself on people who clearly aren’t bothered. They also live in a caravan on a building site while they are building their house (which they do on weekdays only before anyone starts having a go about that) so it’s not really suitable for us to stay there.

So they are with you now and you’ve got the hump? Also a bit mean to cast judgment on them supporting a friend who has been bereaved.

@Wotagain were staying at the in laws and they have come here to stay too. I’ve made effort to cook a nice dinner this while looking after a poorly toddler and baby having been up several times in the night with baby. Meanwhile they sat in another room reading books and being on the laptop. Didn’t even offer to help with lunch or dinner or hold baby while I cooked and cleared up after. So I probably am a bit fed up at the moment, and also exhausted.

If your husband's family are staying why isn't he cooking and clearing up? I'd be more grumpy at him for not helping out!

jsut because you decide to have children, your SIL is not dury bound to pay visits. Maybe she isn't interested?
Your children are the centre of your world, hopefully your partners - but probably not anybody elses.

For many years I thought my brother had five children - when he turned up mob handed to my fathers funeral (after not bothering to see him or get involved with care over several years) it turned out there were only four of them - plus GC by that time. I even know the names of three of them now.

@NerrSnerr yes we did visit them pre children and pre covid, as much as they visited us. We helped them move house and we took a week of annual leave to help them prepare for their wedding 3 years ago. I thought having a new baby in the family would be as important as a wedding but from what a lot of people have said, the baby will only be visited if you’ve made an effort to visit them beforehand.

@2typesofjungle

Match the effort they make and make peace with it.

The first post has it. Although I conceed its easy to say and sometimes hard to do

You’re both at different stages in life. I remember my dsis barely saw mine when they were babies, due to her busy living a child free hectic lifestyle. Things changed when she had DCs herself.

@NerrSnerr he was working today unfortunately

Your SIL isn’t duty bound to make an effort but neither are you. Given that they clearly don’t care about you, I don’t see why you shouldn’t go to bed now if that’s what you want to do.

My niece is 8 months old. I've never met her. Things have got in the way, not intentially but that's life with work and children.

@2typesofjungle and @Totalwasteofpaper I totally agree with this and this was what I was trying to say and what DH disagrees with! I’m happy to match the effort but just not go above and beyond to make an effort. I said to DH if it was a choice between spending time with friends who really want to see us and with SIL I’d chose the friends but he thought that was unfair.

I don’t think YABU but people on here are often weird about stuff like this, like it’s really entitled to expect your family to have anything to do with your kids! In my world it’s normal to visit your siblings/ in laws and play with their kids/ bring gifts. I’m a bit shocked at the coldness of some of the comments. Don’t be a martyr though- go to bed!

Did you have a good relationship with them before you had children?

Did you visit each other and spend time together?

If you don't have much of an established relationship then I don't think you should expect them to suddenly engage because you've had children, especially if they don't have any. They may not want any and may not be particularly interested in babies.

I've seen this happen with a couple of friend dynamics. It's difficult. Of course the baby is everything to it's parents, and if people don't show an interest I'm sure it's hurtful. Not everyone wants to spend time around small children I'm afraid.

Is the problem due to your family making an effort ? As a pp said it's fine to match the effort. Not everyone is interested in kids

Stop being 'nice' and let the other lazy deckers cook dinner whilst you see yo your kids. You are being a doormat and stay home for Xmas.

[quote Greenleaves20]**@2typesofjungle* and @Totalwasteofpaper* I totally agree with this and this was what I was trying to say and what DH disagrees with! I’m happy to match the effort but just not go above and beyond to make an effort. I said to DH if it was a choice between spending time with friends who really want to see us and with SIL I’d chose the friends but he thought that was unfair.[/quote]
Ah okayyyy

In that case I just wouldn't get into it with your DH.
He is stuck because he (rightly/wrongly) has conflicted loyalties

Nod and smile and dont inconvenience yourself.

I do this with my DH.
I do my best "nandor" impression "yes yes..." when he whitters on about x y and z and then I do nothing to make it happen.
He either forgets /is too lazy so nothing happens
OR
he actually arranges something. If he does I ask him what he has planned? what he is cooking? Is the guest room made up?

He ends up flapping wildly and finds it mega stressful so doesn't hurry to it it again.

I feel like I could be your SIL… My DHs sister had her baby nearly four years ago and I’ll be honest & say we’ve made very little effort.. we live abroad so that complicates matters and everyone works full time so big trips are very limited. We are expecting our first baby and honestly I think people’s kids are people’s kids- I’ve got no desire to spend a ton of time with their kid & I wouldn’t ask them to do the same in return.. if we lived close & had time maybe would be different but we just don’t have the time or motivation! I don’t think you can expect any attention for your kids from anyone other than their two parents to be honest. Anything else is a bonus! xo

They are working full time, living on a caravan on a building site and also have responsibilities towards others such as supporting a friend whose dad has died. They sound like they have a lot on their plate. I don't think you are being very understanding of that.

It doesn't sound like either of you put any effort into maintaining a relationship, so not sure what the problem is...