Page 3 | Family making no effort with children

watchingrnfire · 29/11/2021 22:41

Some aunts are just self centred. She should've made an effort to visit her brothers new baby. Don't make as much effort with her, she sounds horrible.
My sil, dh sis, is a damn right weirdo, interacts with my children when it suits her otherwise ignores them, she hadn't seen them in a year, she lives with mil, so whenever we went round, she happened to be upstairs and never came down to see us or the kids, despite her daughter being downstairs. She then had the audacity to say to me when she finally saw us that it's been one year that she's not seen the kids, her fault entirely. Honestly people like that have some sort of personality disorder

WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 22:41

@Greenleaves20

Fallen out with DH over his sister not having visited our 2nd baby who is now just over 6 months old. He thinks it’s fine as things have just got in the way (work etc) and I think you make an effort for people you want to see. Personally I would rather not spend much time with people who don’t want to spend time with us in future, life is too short for that!

Sister in law and her husband are only visiting to attend a funeral of one of their friends dads (to be with the friend rather than actually having known this person very well), otherwise we wouldn’t have seen them until Christmas. At Christmas they are coming on Christmas Day (late) to the in laws and the whole of Christmas (22 people) is being put on hold until the next day so that they can be here for it. Then they leave on the 27th to go to see a friends baby in Ireland.

Prior to this, they hadn’t seen our other DC for 18 months when we went down to see them on our way somewhere (which was a detour but we felt we would do to catch up as it had been a while before that). On that particular visit they made no effort at all except for a cup of tea outside, and I felt we were intruding. DC was only 18 months old and he was basically ignored. I feel that despite covid there have been weekends etc where there have been opportunities to visit.

So AIBU, should I still make an effort to see them in future or keep it to family events mainly?

I had this exact issue with my DH family. His dad and brother have seen our 6 month old once despite living 15 and 5 Mins away respectively. My mil was here once a week for the first few weeks until the novelty wore off and now it's approx once every 3 weeks. I used to send them pictures and updates etc a few times a week but have stopped after they stopped getting in touch from their end and stopped replying. I thought maybe it was too much and so pulled back. They don't text to see how any of us are. I just think it's their loss. It was annoying at first but now when I have to see my mil (I go to keep the peace) I just treat it as something that has to be done and make sure so have something nice after it to look forward to

SleeplessWB · 29/11/2021 22:45

My dh's brother and sister are like this. We moved away 8 years ago and they have never been to see us, rarely call and generally make no effort... It really upsets my dh as he tries really hard to keep in touch with them and visit, but they just aren't bothered.

julieca · 29/11/2021 22:55

My DB and SIL would say this about me. The truth is they don't give a shit about us, everything is about being an Aunt, that is all. i.e. its all about their family.

tallduckandhandsome · 29/11/2021 22:59

YANBU. Tell DH he can go by himself. There comes a point when you need to stop being the mug.

BurntO · 29/11/2021 23:05

OP it sounds like they have big responsibilities at home too. You’re at different stages in your life. Regarding visiting just leave it open but to not keep in touch at all seems petty.

julieca · 29/11/2021 23:29

Living on a building site while working full time is tough and hard work.

slashlover · 29/11/2021 23:29

@watchingrnfire

Some aunts are just self centred. She should've made an effort to visit her brothers new baby. Don't make as much effort with her, she sounds horrible. My sil, dh sis, is a damn right weirdo, interacts with my children when it suits her otherwise ignores them, she hadn't seen them in a year, she lives with mil, so whenever we went round, she happened to be upstairs and never came down to see us or the kids, despite her daughter being downstairs. She then had the audacity to say to me when she finally saw us that it's been one year that she's not seen the kids, her fault entirely. Honestly people like that have some sort of personality disorder

You think she has a personality disorder and is a weirdo because she's not interested in your kids? Other people's kids are often boring and annoying. You obviously hate her anyway so I'm not sure why you're bothered.

Goldbar · 29/11/2021 23:33

It's a bit sad. You get out of your nephews and nieces what you put in. Yes, they're probably not interested in kids, who are you to think that they should care about your kids, to everyone else your kids are more boring than watching paint dry, etcetera, etcetera...

But some families do have close relationships. And it's lovely. There's nothing unhealthy or entitled about being a little sad that your DC won't have that with their aunt. It is a bit unhealthy to be deluded like your DH is and to value the relationship more than his sister does. He's setting himself up for disappointment.

In your shoes, I would have my main Christmas on Christmas day with your DH and the children (with gifts opened then) and treat the larger family one as very much an afterthought.

Embracelife · 29/11/2021 23:38

[quote Greenleaves20]@Wotagain were staying at the in laws and they have come here to stay too. I’ve made effort to cook a nice dinner this while looking after a poorly toddler and baby having been up several times in the night with baby. Meanwhile they sat in another room reading books and being on the laptop. Didn’t even offer to help with lunch or dinner or hold baby while I cooked and cleared up after. So I probably am a bit fed up at the moment, and also exhausted.[/quote]
People without dc have no idea, why would they? Why are you cooking
At your in laws
Why didn't your dh say something
Or help you out?

julieca · 29/11/2021 23:57

@Goldbar is OP interested in them? A relationship is a two-way thing.

Goldbar · 30/11/2021 00:06

@julieca. It sounds like the OP's DH at least is if he continues to make an effort (which is one of the OP's gripes - that this effort is not reciprocated).

julieca · 30/11/2021 00:14

@Goldbar but it is also the DH who says it is understandable that they are not coming up more. Maybe the DH understands what is happening in their lives and that the OP is being unrealistic?

Goldbar · 30/11/2021 00:44

Maybe that's true.

There's nothing unreasonable about them not being interested in the OP's kids. But neither would it be unreasonable for the OP to wish that she could swap them for relatives who actually cared. Lots of aunts and uncles do.

julieca · 30/11/2021 00:45

@Goldbar yes maybe. But if you are working full time, living on a building site in a caravan, then maybe you have enough day to day to deal with?

alexdgr8 · 30/11/2021 00:51

i don't think you can expect other people, even relatives, to be as interested in/fascinated by your children as you are.

JockTamsonsBairns · 30/11/2021 01:55

I think a lot depends on the sibling relationship too. I'm extremely close to my sister so, naturally, we have forged close relationships with each other's children. We live 300 miles apart, but have made the effort to see each other as frequently as life allows, and we've shown an interest in our respective nieces and nephews. My sister is an adored aunt to my 3, and I'm still in regular contact with my two nephews who are now mid-20s.

Compare that to one of my brothers, who I'm not close to at all. His dd was born a year after my ds (first children for both of us). Yes, I went to visit my niece when she was a newborn, and a couple of times again in her first year (he lived approx 100 miles away). But, he and I don't naturally seek out each other's company, so the visits tailed off over time. I would see him and his family at DMs maybe once or twice a year - lovely to see my niece, but my brother and I just don't have the closeness that I have with my sister.
My niece is 21 now, she's grown up into a lovely young woman, and we exchange the occasional text.
I would definitely hold my hands up and say I've been a disappointment as an aunt to her over the years, but I'm not sure what could have been done differently really.

LovePoppy · 30/11/2021 19:25

[quote Greenleaves20]@Wotagain were staying at the in laws and they have come here to stay too. I’ve made effort to cook a nice dinner this while looking after a poorly toddler and baby having been up several times in the night with baby. Meanwhile they sat in another room reading books and being on the laptop. Didn’t even offer to help with lunch or dinner or hold baby while I cooked and cleared up after. So I probably am a bit fed up at the moment, and also exhausted.[/quote]
Did you ask for help?

Wombat69 · 01/12/2021 19:56

I've thought about this a lot. I think if you grow up socialising with your sibling, it's a lot easier. We're not close as adults because we have never been actual friends, so organising social events isn't natural. My sibling has a strong group of friends and they have a good dynamic and her DC mix with theirs...