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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re his girlfriends

55 replies

LetTheRaisinBeLove · 28/11/2021 14:01

DP has a few (5 or 6) girlfriends who he likes to meet up with individually, for a walk in the park, shopping, coffee, lunch, sometimes dinner/theatre.
He has known them for 2-3 years and we have been together since just before lockdown 1.
We have lived together for 5 months.
The thing is, I'm struggling with feeling quite jealous about this. He says I'm being ridiculous and everyone has friends of both sexes these days, and that I am being very old fashioned, but I still hate that he dedicates this time to them. He says he wouldn't mind if I met up with male friends on a platonic level, but my male friends (mainly from uni) would definitely see me asking them out for dinner on a one to one basis as a "come on".
I would never ask him to stop seeing his friends but I do wonder whether I am unusual in feeling jealous.
In case cultural differences are a factor, I am white British, he is Asian. We are both mid 20s with no DC.

OP posts:

0palescent · 28/11/2021 14:07

I don't think I'd be bothered by this if they were old friends, but 2-3 years is a bit different. How did he meet them all at that time - a new job, a hobby or dating that didn't go anywhere? It's quite unusual in my experience to have a group of newish friends of about the same duration.

lockdownalli · 28/11/2021 14:22

I would hate it.

I am not sure it's even an age thing or a cultural thing. If you are someone, like me, who knows they are likely to get jealous if their boyfriend has female friends they meet up with for one to one dinners etc then don't get involved with a man who does.

It's not fair on him or on you. Nobody has to be wrong (although I am
sure plenty is posters will tell you that you are wrong) it is just a compatibility issue.

Branleuse · 28/11/2021 14:27

If it bothers you then it bothers you. Zero point being in a relationship with a man that makes you feel insecure and jealous. I mean, 5 people that he likes spending one to one time with and have theatre and lunch dates with? Where do you fit in to this? Doesnt he work? Do you go on dates with him much?

Original poster

LetTheRaisinBeLove · 28/11/2021 14:28

Thank you, they are from when he first came to the UK. People he met on his course and other students.

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 28/11/2021 14:30

It’s fine to be bothered about it, but 5 months into living together?? Why did you not deal with it right at the start of the relationship and decide to move on if it wasn’t something you could deal with? I can see how he’d be a bit exasperated with you for it now to be an issue.

Restart10 · 28/11/2021 14:30

I wouldn't like this at all either. These aren't long term friends, you basically know him just as long. Some people would have no issue, just depends on you.

2021healthissues · 28/11/2021 14:32

as an aside, why are you calling them girlfriends? You didn't refer to your male friends as boyfriends

How old are you both if he’s a recent student?

I think the other posters are right in that if this his friendships are an issue, he isn’t the right guy for you. You don’t have to change, he doesn’t have to change, you’re both just not compatible together. He values friendships differently than you do

starrynight21 · 28/11/2021 14:34

I'd hate it. It's not like they are from his childhood or school days - just 2or 3 years is nothing. And if there are 5 or 6 of them and he makes time for each one separately, that's a lot of time he is spending with them. I couldn't live with a man who spent that much time on other women.

2021healthissues · 28/11/2021 14:34

@DowntonCrabby

Could be due to the pandemic perhaps? As we were in lockdown at the beginning of their relationship, he probably wasn’t socialising to the extent he is now back then

TedMullins · 28/11/2021 14:50

Personally I think it’s fine. So what if he’s only known them 3 years - that’s still long enough that if any of them were going to become a romantic partner they would’ve done. I mostly see my friends one to one (male and female) and if a guy mate thought me suggesting going for dinner was a “come-on”, well, that isn’t the sort of person I’d be friends with because I don’t think what’s in someone’s pants affects the friendship.

If you don’t like it though this relationship is unlikely to work - he shouldn’t have to ditch his friends. If he’s only been in the UK 3 years these are probably his only friendship group!

WhenSepEnds · 28/11/2021 14:59

@LetTheRaisinBeLove

DP has a few (5 or 6) girlfriends who he likes to meet up with individually, for a walk in the park, shopping, coffee, lunch, sometimes dinner/theatre. He has known them for 2-3 years and we have been together since just before lockdown 1. We have lived together for 5 months. The thing is, I'm struggling with feeling quite jealous about this. He says I'm being ridiculous and everyone has friends of both sexes these days, and that I am being very old fashioned, but I still hate that he dedicates this time to them. He says he wouldn't mind if I met up with male friends on a platonic level, but my male friends (mainly from uni) would definitely see me asking them out for dinner on a one to one basis as a "come on".

I would never ask him to stop seeing his friends but I do wonder whether I am unusual in feeling jealous. In case cultural differences are a factor, I am white British, he is Asian. We are both mid 20s with no DC.

Why don't you meet the friends together, have them round for a meal/ drink etc? My husband works in a workplace where he is the only male which I thought was a bit weird at first (no reason not to trust him but still made me a bit uncomfortable) but since I have met the women, we have become really good friends and it totally put my mind at ease. If he tells them about any doll arguments we have had they often take me side so it has been an unexpected bonus

Original poster

LetTheRaisinBeLove · 28/11/2021 15:01

Thank you, it's really helpful to see other perspectives. I am 24, he is 25.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 28/11/2021 15:04

I'd wonder why you aren't included in dinner/theatre type meet ups. On here there's a denial that men and women are different and while he might want a night out with his male mates, there'd be no change in dynamics if you went along occasionally with his female friends. Unless you aren't interested in the show they were going to see etc and you get all the time that you need together, then it's unusual.

Alonelonelyloner · 28/11/2021 15:06

That's a lot of proper girlfriends for 2 years OP!

YANBU. He is dedicating time to them that he could be spending on you. 1 I would understand but 5/6.Nope.

Original poster

LetTheRaisinBeLove · 28/11/2021 15:07

I have met 2 of them and it just made things (my jealousy)worse. One clearly didn't want me there and was really cold and unfriendly, the second one just flirted openly with him, quite touchy feely. He might not fancy her but she clearly liked him.
After that I have no wish to meet any of the others. I've moved to a new city to be with him so I don't know many people here.
None of his friends know each other but he has told them all about me.

OP posts:

Alltheblue · 28/11/2021 15:07

That sounds like a whole hobby in itself, keeping up with so many women. Where are the men friends?

I would be expecting to be integrated into the friendships.

This will probably come to a natural end when they all get partners who feel the same as you.

SoItWas · 28/11/2021 15:09

Yanbu to feel a bit jealous, but you'd be unreasonable to ask him to stop meeting them.

Alltheblue · 28/11/2021 15:09

I've read your update. So not real friends then.

I would have to be head over heels to find this worthwhile.

Do you think you moved in together too early? It feels like you're the stable always there person and these others are the fun friends.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/11/2021 15:09

I would be happy with a partner who liked women enough to have some as friends.

Chickychoccyegg · 28/11/2021 15:10

Are you ever invited on any of these trips to the cinema/theatre? Or has he offered to introduce you to them?
I wouldn't be comfortable with this either.

Chickychoccyegg · 28/11/2021 15:13

Just seen your update, I would not be happy with this set up at all, sounds like the women, at least the 2 you've met, view these meet ups as dates, and so would most women if they fancied a guy and he invited them to the theatre or dinner, its not a friendship when both people aren't on the same page, if it was a genuine friendship, the women would be happy to meet you.

BaronessBomburst · 28/11/2021 15:15

One close friend he has known for years - okay.
5 or 6 friends that he has known for a relatively short time -not okay.
He's a player. Or at best wants constant female attention and his ego stroking. He'll cheat sooner or later.

Kite22 · 28/11/2021 15:15

Normally, I am a person who says I have friends of both sexes and my dh has friends of both sexes, and I don't understand this assumption that people can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex.
However
I think this is very different.
My dh will sometimes go for a drink after work with a colleague or two. Both of us will occasionally meet up for a coffee in a part work / part social meeting. Both of us (separately) would go to an event the other wasn't at, where it was something to do with the hobby we know the person from, but that is all very different from what your dp is doing.

DP has a few (5 or 6) girlfriends who he likes to meet up with individually, for a walk in the park, shopping, coffee, lunch, sometimes dinner/theatre.

This ^ is not usual, normal, or "right".

As others have said, sometimes you might have a friend from Nursery school that you might meet 1:1 whatever their sex, but 'several' different women being met regularly on a 1:1 basis, is odd and wouldn't sit comfortably with me.

MeMumI · 28/11/2021 15:17

Hmm, I think it depends on the relationship he has with them.

My Dh has mostly female friends. He regularly meets them for drinks and meals out etc... I never go. But nothing untoward is happening at all. He simply is not very blokely, doesn't like football and traditional men's stuff. So he gets on better with women. But one of his best friends is a lesbian and the others are happily married.

Likewise, my best friend is a male (gay) 15 years younger than me. Nothing untoward going on at all.

I have met his friends, although don't socialise as we have little in common. DH works in a mostly female environment.

Only you can tell whether the relationship is above board or not!

MeMumI · 28/11/2021 15:19

He mostly meets them individually too ... as they are various colleagues he has worked with over the years who he has become friends with, They do not all know each other. DH is late 40s, they range from late 30s to late 50s

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