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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re his girlfriends

55 replies

LetTheRaisinBeLove · 28/11/2021 14:01

DP has a few (5 or 6) girlfriends who he likes to meet up with individually, for a walk in the park, shopping, coffee, lunch, sometimes dinner/theatre.
He has known them for 2-3 years and we have been together since just before lockdown 1.
We have lived together for 5 months.
The thing is, I'm struggling with feeling quite jealous about this. He says I'm being ridiculous and everyone has friends of both sexes these days, and that I am being very old fashioned, but I still hate that he dedicates this time to them. He says he wouldn't mind if I met up with male friends on a platonic level, but my male friends (mainly from uni) would definitely see me asking them out for dinner on a one to one basis as a "come on". Blush
I would never ask him to stop seeing his friends but I do wonder whether I am unusual in feeling jealous.
In case cultural differences are a factor, I am white British, he is Asian. We are both mid 20s with no DC.

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 28/11/2021 15:30

Usually when two people become a couple, the individual's friends start to be also friends with the other half of the couple. Would you be ok with your male friends meeting up with you and your partner for example? Would he be ok with his female friends meeting up with both of you - I think that could be telling. And if he's not happy for that then why not?

I admit this was years ago buy my DP of 20+ years now had a couple of female friends from uni - but they also became my friends.

Flowers500 · 28/11/2021 15:35

So it seems I’m in the minority 🤷‍♀️ But I wouldn’t make cutting off your friends a condition of dating me…

I have lots of male friends that I meet up with individually, some don’t have partners and some do. I don’t think it’s ever been an issue before, especially when you’re young it’s quite common to not socialise as a couple. The best way for you to hang out with them would be in a little group, not as an awkward threesome where you’re there butting in on conversations between people who know each other better. It also makes you come across as territorial which is always the best way to bring out claws in them!

GoodVibesHere · 28/11/2021 15:39

Nope I would hate it.

To me it almost seems that he's keeping his options open.

Flowers500 · 28/11/2021 15:39

The obvious thing to do here is try to get them to know each other, so they’re a “friend group” rather than friends he sees individually. Host a dinner party, invite them all plus a group of your friends. Try to cement them together a bit more so you can hang out together and not feel weird?

beastlyslumber · 28/11/2021 15:42

I feel like there are a couple of red flags here. You've not been seeing him very long, but you've moved cities to be with him. You don't have many friends there, but he goes off frequently with friends of the opposite sex. The friends he spends time with are apparently single women who aren't interesting in befriending you. You've told him you feel jealous, and his response is to tell you that you're being ridiculous.

You've only been together a few months - way too soon to be moving cities for someone. Still at a point where you would expect to be in the "honeymoon period" and wanting to spend most of your time together, not going to dinner with single friends. Whether or not you have "grounds" for jealousy, you don't feel secure or comfortable in your relationship.

I'd say you should throw this one back, OP. It's too soon to be tying yourself down to someone you're not 100% about, and don't trust is 100% about you.

Original poster
LetTheRaisinBeLove · 28/11/2021 16:16

I know I've rushed things but I got the offer of a great job in his city and it just made sense to find somewhere together rather than both pay out for somewhere separately.
I will try to see if they are willing to get to know one another, maybe see if they would be interested in a Christmas night out together?

OP posts:
Nearlytheretrees · 28/11/2021 16:23

Does he have male friends he does these things with too? Are they also asian and maybe have something culturally in common? Just wondering what he gets from the relationship with them that he doesn't get from yours

LittleMG · 28/11/2021 16:24

I wouldn’t bother op. They don’t sound especially polite friends. Don’t think it will help u to have a night out with someone whose being cold with u flirting with your boyfriend.

StillPerplexed · 28/11/2021 16:37

I think it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex (and indeed for lesbians to have female friends etc.), and the expectation some people express that you should get all your social needs met by your partner is unhealthy.

I had a friend whose wife made him delete all his old female friends off facebook and would get insanely jealous if he ever went for coffee with a female colleague. What a horrible and untrusting way to live!

Typically some of my partner's friends become our joint friends while some of them don't, it depends on the person, right? I think the real issue here is OP living in a new place and feeling more isolated. It would be better if she could do more joint social things with her partner.

Flowers500 · 28/11/2021 16:41

@LetTheRaisinBeLove

I know I've rushed things but I got the offer of a great job in his city and it just made sense to find somewhere together rather than both pay out for somewhere separately. I will try to see if they are willing to get to know one another, maybe see if they would be interested in a Christmas night out together?
I feel like if you host something it’s easier to get together disparate people. Your problem here is that his friends don’t know each other, they’re unlikely to be keen on a randomers night out. Drinks at yours is quite a different setting, where you would feel more natural meeting people you don’t know (as a guest). It doesn’t need to be all of them at once either, maybe if you had 3 of them, plus 3 of your friends who don’t know each other well?
Alltheblue · 28/11/2021 16:41

15:35Flowers500

Would you be willing to welcome a partner into the friendship?
Would you be cold and rude to a friend's partner if they tagged along?
Would you flirt at any time with a friend who had a partner?

All key questions...

WonderfulYou · 28/11/2021 17:16

If it bothers you then it bothers you. Zero point being in a relationship with a man that makes you feel insecure and jealous.

I agree.

It wouldn’t bother me as I have male friends and would do this too but if it bothers you then there’s not a lot you can do.

You can’t tell him to stop spending so much time with his friends as that’s quite controlling and if a man said that to me then I’d end the relationship.

So you either need to accept it or find someone who has less friends/is more introverted.

WonderfulYou · 28/11/2021 17:18

I also think it’s nice to have separate friends. You don’t need to meet all of his friends and he doesn’t need to meet all of yours. Chances are you will one day anyway but there’s no need to do things as a group.

When he’s out with his friends why don’t you go out with your friends?

hellcatspangle · 28/11/2021 17:28

Hard to say without knowing exactly what his relationship is with them - I know my DS who's in his twenties has loads of female friends through uni and P/t jobs, and he often meets up with them for a drink or a meal if he's in the same area. Nothing romantic going on.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 28/11/2021 17:35

Friendships have to start somewhere / be that at school, later at university or via work. The length of time is irrelevant.

I have male friends - who have partners - who I’ve met in the last 25 years. Some 25 years ago. Some in the past year. Not met some of their partners. Been out to dinner with them. Had wine and everything!

Managed to avoid shagging them. Even those I’ve known under 2-3 years. Because they’re, you know, friends.

YABU.

ElectraBlue · 28/11/2021 17:37

I have several male friends. If a partner had problems with this I would ditch the partner, not the friends...you either trust your partner or you don't.

I would get rid of a guy though who wanted female friends for an ego boost/so he could flirt with them. That is not real friendship.

beastlyslumber · 28/11/2021 17:54

You have rushed things, OP, and you don't really know this man very well. Now you've moved in, it all must feel very serious, especially as you've moved cities for him. But it's really all very new and you should still be in that exciting phase of ignoring all your other friends to be together. Have you skipped that part by moving in and making it too serious, too soon?

You could try inviting everyone for xmas drinks at yours - you would get to meet his friends and maybe also invite people from work etc and start building your own friendships, too.

FabriqueBelgique · 28/11/2021 17:58

How does he have the time?!!

Who are these women?

How old are you both, just for context?

Holidaytan · 28/11/2021 18:05

When I was in my 20’s I did this a lot with male friends I hadn’t known long, while I was in a relationship.
I was very much keeping my options open and I enjoyed the flirting/attention/excitement.

Goldandguns · 28/11/2021 18:05

If your partner met them all through the same course wouldn't it make more sense to meet as a group? The regular individual meet ups sounds sus to me.

BurbageBrook · 28/11/2021 18:06

He’s a player OP.

Honeyroar · 28/11/2021 18:06

I’d not be bothered about my husband having female friends at all. One of my long standing male friends ended up very close friends with my husband. But the ignoring you and openly flirting is rude. If one of my male friends had done that to my husband when I first introduced him I’d have been annoyed with them and perhaps step back from the friend a little (literally and metaphorically too). And I’d understand if he’d felt a little upset because they had too.

I actually think you’d be better to keep going occasionally and meeting the rest - show them you’re not going to be pushed away or ignored and they’d better get used to you. And I’d also think of it as a red flag if he didn’t help you to integrate.

FabriqueBelgique · 28/11/2021 18:10

Just read your updates. He’s a player. I’d put money on it.

The women obviously feel like they’re all in with a chance and he’s probably loving it. Even if he isn’t cheating on you, he’s not treating you respectfully.

My advice is to quickly find somewhere else to live and join some groups, maybe get a job, because you’re in a vulnerable position if you only have this man and you live in his home.

CouldThisReallyBe · 28/11/2021 18:14

@BurbageBrook

He’s a player OP.
This is very judgy!

I guess it depends how often he's meeting them and how much time he gives to you.

To give you the other side: I (single female) made a (male) friend online during lockdown. We became firm friends very quickly. We mutually ruled out anything romantic and we've only ever been friends. We have become close and meet up at least once a week (we can because we're both single) and have light hearted banter and 'deep and meaningful' conversations. We both date other people. Recently he was considering rekindling an old relationship and his ex/future girlfriend had an issue with our friendship as it was new-ish. His response was "it's not negotiable, I'm doing nothing wrong and have nothing to hide". We both value the friendship that's growing and we also both acknowledge that new relationships will change the dynamic of our friendship but we'll always be friends.

5128gap · 28/11/2021 18:17

Its certainly unusual for a man to have so many female friends close enough to see on a one to one basis.Does he have male friends too that he sees as regularly? I'm always a bit suspicious of heterosexual men who are serial befrienders of women. Everyone I've ever known has been a player. Every one.