AIBU to wear headphones around the house?

[workwoes123]

I discovered podcasts during the lockdown. I l love listening to them.I don’t have as much time for reading as I used to so podcasts are really great as a substitute as I can carry on doing whatever boring thing I’m doing around the house - cooking, cleaning, ironing, whatever - while listening.

I’m wondering though if this is fair to my family? I’m basically shut off to them. If they want to talk to me I have to stop what I’m doing, pause the podcast, pay attention, answer their questions, turn it back on. I have two kids (11 and 13) and a DH, and I confess I get a bit annoyed by the 10th question and just give up. And DH definitely gets annoyed if he has to come and tap me on the shoulder rather than shouting his question from another room.

I grew up with a mum who was (still is) a total bookworm: I remember her sighs / tuts when I interrupted her to ask a question, which I had to as she pretty much permanently had a book stuck in front of her face. Yet here I am wanting to do the same.

So what do you do? Do you use head phones around the house? Lots of the time or just at specific time? Do you tell your family not to interrupt you?

FYI I don’t actually wear headphones - I wear hearing aids which are Bluetooth linked to my phone, so it’s not obvious I’m listening to something at first glance - but this would be the same if I was using ear buds I guess.

So AIBU to listen to podcasts around the house while doing boring tasks? And not always be instantly available ? I’m interested in hearing from people with partners that do this too: how do you feel about it?

I listen to podcasts while I'm cleaning the bathrooms or cooking as long as DH is in charge of the kids. I need a bit of quiet time! Go for it.

I think it's fair enough, why shouldn't you do this?

If they have something actually urgent to say, they can.

There was nothing wrong with what your mum did either IMHO.

I suppose it depends how much time you then have available to spend with the kids. Certainly not an issue for you to do that most of the time. Do you tut when the children need to speak to you?

I wouldn't be worried about your husband having to get up rather than yell from room to room.

My Dh does this and it’s really annoying. You have to repeat everything you say to him, and he is completely switched off to the kids while say making the dinner rather than multi tasking .

I do this, but, if the kids are wanting to talk to me, and I find myself snapping then I turn it off rather than letting myself get annoyed.

On the other hand, I also hate being bellowed at from another room - if someone wants to talk to me the least they can do is come and talk to me (I will also accept facetime/messaging)

I understand your desire to do it, but it is quite antisocial. It's switching off from
DH & DC & making yourself unavailable, in the same way your mum did.

DC16 wears her ear pods in the car in the 14 mile journey to & from school. I understand, she wants to look at tictok/insta/whatsapp with friends etc. I get it, but it does mean we don't talk as much & anything I say means she has to remove the EarPods & ask what I said, so I don't bother.

It just makes natural communication difficult.

At home if she doesn't want to be sociable she can go to her room, not be anti social in communal areas! 💁🏻‍♀️

My best friend always has her head in a book and when we (used) to go away it that was annoying too, as I felt aware of interrupting her, and wouldn't do it unless it was important, which means you're not passing the time of day together.

Can you not just do it when you're alone or when you're doing certain things, but not 'all the time'?

I could’ve wrote this! Apart from the feeling guilty part.

If the family want my full attention for longer, then they can drop what they’re doing and help me with the mundane tasks. They won’t though, so I’ll continue listening to podcasts with AirPods in and they can continue getting huffy that they have to repeat themselves. It’s never anything that. important anyway.

@Anoisagusaris

I usually am multi tasking - it’s just that none of those tasks involve communicating with other people. Our kids are old enough that they don’t need to be watched or entertained (in fact the 13 yr old usually has his head phones on 😂) but the 11 yrs old is a chatty sort, and he does come looking for me often.

So this morning I

Cleaned the kitchen, tidied up after breakfast
Put away shopping that DH had done
Prepped a meal for tonight
Cooked other food for during the week
Put a wash on
Hung out the wash that had just finished, and then the second one
Folded and put away the dry clothes off the rack

All while listening to a podcast, probably about 1.5 hours. DH kept coming in and out of the kitchen, DS2 came in at least 4 times with various requests / questions. I gave up in the end.

So it’s not that I am not pulling my weight - it’s more that i am incommunicado while doing it.

I do it. Not all day, but when I’m doing chores. I want to be entertained while I’m ironing or whatever. The alternative is to having it playing thru a speaker for all to hear, which they would probably not enjoy.

Shouting from a different room drives me mad anyway. If people want me, they can come and find me with ease. We live in a 4 bed semi, not the Palace of Versailles.

If you can manage with earbud type rather than over the head type, then one compromise is to have just one in. So you can still hear what's going on around you. That's what I do if I want to listen to something when I'm out but also want to be aware of birdsong and my surroundings.

DH definitely gets annoyed if he has to come and tap me on the shoulder rather than shouting his question from another room.

Has he always been so rude ?

All the more reason to wear headphones.

"We live in a 4 bed semi, not the Palace of Versailles."

😂😂😂😂

OP the chores are all the boring stuff of life, I think it's fair to say "please don't interrupt me, then I can get this stuff done faster and enjoy a podcast too". I appreciate it's hard with DS2 but DH can surely manage without interrupting you.

If you're doing something in one room, cant you 'just play on speakers?
Other than that, not unreasonable - while you're doing their washing/cooking/cleaning/ironing (ironing???) - start making those a joint task, then engage with them while you're cooking/whatever,

I do it while doing chores. I can't bluetooth to my hearing aids, so I wear wireless earphones, but it's generally only while doing chores. DC know that even if I'm wearing my hearing aids they need to come to me as I can't hear them shouting from another room.

Which was one of the things I hated about my ex. He'd shout from another room and refused to account for my hearing issues. I could hear his voice but not his words and if I yelled back that I couldn't hear him, he wouldn't bother coming to talk to me but just keep yelling until I had to go and find him. And it would be about something innconsequential. I''m sure it was a control thing, would fit the rest of his behaviour.

Chores are boring, and I listen to music to make them bearable. I'm not going to stop listening to my music just in case someone wants my attention. If they want me they know where I am.

Why do you need to be available to instantly jump to respond to shouted questions from your husband at any time of the day or night?

What kind of urgent questions does he so frequently have to seek your counsel upon?

If it teaches him to be more respectful and capable, seems like a good thing.

@ThinWomansBrain. I’m actually listening on hearing aids / Bluetooth, so speakers are not an option unless everyone in the building wants to hear it 😂

@FinallyHere. I’ve probably misrepresented DH here. It’s not so much that he shouted from another room, it’s not that he will say something in passing, either in the same room or from just outside, then I’ll stop the podcast etc. He’s very used to me not hearing from another room (I’m partially deaf), he’s just making conversation in passing. I like to disappear into something - book, podcast or whatever - at the weekend while he’s looking for conversation / interaction 🙄. His parents live in each other’s pockets. Mine tend to do their own thing.

Oops

It’s not so much that he shouts from another room, it’s more that he will say something in passing…

I do this - folding laundry with a podcast is my self care

@ThinWomansBrain

If you're doing something in one room, cant you 'just play on speakers? Other than that, not unreasonable - while you're doing their washing/cooking/cleaning/ironing (ironing???) - start making those a joint task, then engage with them while you're cooking/whatever,

It's not easy when you wear hearing aids to have a speaker at a good volume and distance. For music, fine, but not for speech. Having the sound directly in your hearing aids is much better.

OP, I'm jealous, I don't have Bluetooth hearing aids! I have to use my Roger Pen. But I do the same, listen to podcasts when I'm doing a cleaning task. My DH just has to understand that I don't want to be disturbed. DS doesn't seem to mind and he can't talk much yet so I can just give him cuddles without listening and he's fine 😆

I think it's absolutely fine for a hour or so if you're doing tasks. Everyone in the house will just have to respect that you're having some quiet time to yourself. It's not like it's all the time or during family meals.

If you were doing it all the time, I think it would be unsociable. But for the length of one podcast, while you crack through the weekend chores (on behalf of your family) I think it's fine.

I HATE that loud mumbleshout from the next room. I will not respond to that.

This drove me mad in the lockdowns. I generally like radios on, but with DH working upstairs and no time away from autistic DS who is easily aggravated by things like squawky singers, I missed MY background noise to get things done. So I tried bluetoothing my bone conductors and my phone... every sod in the house seems to want a piece of me the moment I put them on! My auditory processing is not great and I can often hear the voice, but not the actual words, so that involves, constantly pausing or adjusting what I'm listening to. It invariably wasn't something worthy of the inconvenience and just got very frustrating.

There is a valuing other peoples' time/ efforts issue there, and it's not unreasonable to let someone concentrate on the tasks they're doing.

Yes, I've started listening to podcasts on my wireless headphones whilst cooking and doing chores and it's a game changer as I am so engrossed on the podcast I don't realise how much work I am doing - it feels effortless.

At the moment, when the family are around, I only listen to podcasts whilst cooking (chores I tend to do when on my own or it's a family thing).

When I am not listening to podcasts, I tend to have my nose in a book anyway.

sorry - I misssed that bit of your post

I am conflicted on this.

rather than shouting his question from another room. This was a pet hate of mine with XH and eventually I just told him I would not respond to shouts from another room, which I usually couldn't quite hear and it was just a way of making me come to him.

I do feel a bit sorry for your younger DC though - sorry

I think it depends. DH wears them to listen to pod casts when washing up, putting laundry away and mowing the lawn, which is fine. But he also wears them when we're doing DIY or if he's looking after the kids whilst I do jobs and it really infuriates me as I have to shout, or tap him on the shoulder to get his attention, the kids don't realise (they're 3&6) and so ask him questions he doesn't hear then get frustrated he doesn't respond.

So it depends on context.