Another funeral etiquette question

[Pottymouth83]

Is it rude/unkind not to invite non-family members to the wake?

My Grandfather died and a handful of his friends (who we as a family don’t know) are coming to the funeral. My mum has told me just to give them the details of the church and crematorium as the wake is at her house and she wants it to be family only. Is it unusual to do that? Will the friends be offended?

It's usual to invite all funeral attendees to the wake.
A lot won't come.

I actually found chatting to my father's friends at a his funeral very comforting

I would not be offended. I have attended several funerals of friends and have felt obliged to go the the reception afterwards for fear of not giving offence. To be told it was for family only would be very helpful.

As above. I once went to the funeral of a young man (just left school) at a church - family only went on to the crematorium while they had provided tea coffee and biscuits for mourners in the church hall.

Yes it is normal to invite everyone to the wake. If she doesn’t want to do that, then it would be better to say there is no wake and then just go home and do whatever.

As an aside the were plenty of people I didn’t know at my dads funeral, his former work colleagues. It was nice to meet them and hear about him from their perspective.

I think that's really rude. The wake is the bit where you can talk about the person, share memories, have a laugh, decompress a bit. I would be very sad if I was banned from a friend's wake by their family. Who knows how important they were in their life: could be like family to them

• at my dads funeral and the wake

Hmm, two different opinions here… my worry is on the day, someone will ask where the wake is and I’ll basically have to say sorry, you’re not invited (but more politely than that). I’m hoping that as they don’t really know us (the family) they will feel like you @TrickyD and prefer not to come anyway.

And for @trickyd, it is never compulsory

Family - please do join us at the wake.

TrickyD - thanks so much for the invite but I'm just going to come to the funeral. So sorry for your loss.

It's the choice of the person organising it. Whatever they feel most comfortable with at a difficult time. If the others are not invited to the wake they can still go to the pub and reminisce. It would only be "wrong" if you were deliberately excluding one or two people to make some kind of point. "Family only" is fine.

Every family needs to do what works for them. Although I think the wake is a great opportunity for family to thank friends colleagues etc. Its likely to be the last time the people important to the deceased will be together. Also if people have travelled it just seems polite to offer some refreshments

I wouldn't say you're not invited. I'd lie and say there isn't one. Because how can you say the former without saying 'we don't consider you important enough to come'. You have no idea how significant your granddad was in their life.

Yeah, I think it’s rude too. At all the funerals I d bern at, the minister or whoever is doing the service, says “The family would like to invite you all to xxx after the service”. I think people would expect that.

I think it would be rude not to provide hospitality to people attending the funeral, especially if they have travelled to the funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I do think it's very poor etiquette to not invite others to the wake. It isn't something I'd consider. I think it's incredibly rude, especially when people may have travelled some distance to the funeral. Besides it's nice to get hear stories about your loved one from their friends.

There's no obligation to invite people back to your house, but it is polite to provide tea etc somewhere after the service.

As above, I found talking to dad's friends a great comfort.

I don’t think it’s rude but I would find that t a bit strange. My DFs wake was lovely I met people who knew him lots of different ways and it gave me a lovely new perspective on him. It was also very healing to see how many people cared enough to come.

Yes I don't think you should tell people there is a wake and they're not invited, that's unusual and bound to offend. I don't think a family-only gathering at your mother's house really is a wake in the traditional sense as the whole point of a wake is that friends, colleagues, anyone who was at the funeral is welcome, so if that eases your conscience I don't think you'd be strictly telling a lie to tell them there's no wake. I do think though that as they're presumably elderly and particularly if they've travelled any distance to attend the ceremony it's a tad rude to send them off without even a tea or coffee and chance to chat and catch up with one another (which they may well think is disrespectful to do in the cemetery itself), could you not arrange for hot drinks and maybe some small snacks at a local venue just for them? Or would that be too wake-like?

I think there’s either a wake and everyone is invited or there’s no wake but very close family go back to the family home.

I’ve been to couple of funerals in recent years where there wasn’t a formal wake. So quite a few of us (anyone was welcome) arranged to go to a nice pub that also did food so we could sit in remembrance whilst eating/drinking. I was lovely.

If your mum doesn't want them to come, just use COVID as an excuse for limiting it to family. It's a shame though, wakes are a celebration of a person's life, the more the merrier where I come from!

It's fine to do the funeral in whichever way best suits you.

With my sister we had a short thing afterwards for everyone then a private and long thing just for invitees.

More than offended I expect they will be sad and a little lonely after their friend’s funeral with nowhere to process the feelings. Could you organise something somewhere however brief and then go to your mother’s afterwards for the family gathering?

I think it depends how close friends they were. Sometimes friends are closer than family.

But either way I doubt they'll be offended. Grief is so personal and family wishes should be respected.

Although personally I'd probably want friends there, they can add more perspective on the person's life.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

If I'd travelled to a funeral I wouldn't find it rude at all if there wasn't a wake or it was family only. I would respect what the people who are most affected by grief would want to do and what would make the day easier for them.

To those who say it’s rude - it’s not intended to be at all - my mother is struggling hugely and she finds it quite difficult to socialise with people she doesn’t know at the best of times. I just don’t think she could cope with the stress of strangers.
For what it’s worth, nobody is travelling more than 10 minutes.

So do we think if we said there is no wake, we’re just having a family gathering, that would be better?