Another funeral etiquette question

[Pottymouth83]

Is it rude/unkind not to invite non-family members to the wake?

My Grandfather died and a handful of his friends (who we as a family don’t know) are coming to the funeral. My mum has told me just to give them the details of the church and crematorium as the wake is at her house and she wants it to be family only. Is it unusual to do that? Will the friends be offended?

I think it's pretty rude not to invite people to the wake. Funerals can be very emotionally draining and as well as a place to remember the dead, wakes are a way for the living to decompress after the intensity of the funeral. Perhaps it would be better to have a family only funeral. Is there a backstory as to why your family don't want the handful of friends in their home, or are they just not comfortable with non-family members being there?

I agree with most. It would be very unusual to not invite people for a cuppa afterwards - even if that is all it was, in the local community room or Church hall.
It is at that time that people reminisce and share memories. I found that to be enormously comforting and the really important and comforting part of the funeral day, far more so than the actual service itself.
Ultimately it is up to the family, but it would be very unusual when people have taken the time out to attend, to not then have a chat with them over a cuppa.
More so, I think, if people are coming who don't know each other - if a group were coming (say old colleagues or people from a hobby) then thy are more likely to then go off together for a pub meal or something if there is no wake, but it wouldn't be possible for individuals.

In my family a funeral is an open, public event, and everyone is invited. I learned a lot of things about Grandad from his friends at his wake, such as his time in the Army, or his working life. It added to his memory. It might be different in other families/parts of the country.

I think it's terribly rude. I drove 1.5 hours to a country funeral yesterday, stood in the cold for an hour at the church and graveyard - and of course was happy to do so - but by the end of that I was busting for a wee and a cup of tea. I was literally at the wake for 30 mins to do that and hug my friend who was (of course) very tied up with all the other mourners, but I appreciated it hugely before I got back into my car.

If it's only four people just invite them! If your mum is struggling then someone else host the wake or do it in a pub.

You asked op. Majority say it's rude and unusual and sad.

I think, in Covid times, not inviting people to the house is completely reasonable.

So do we think if we said there is no wake, we’re just having a family gathering, that would be better?

Definitely better

I would say if they ask that you mum is really not coping well so you're going to take her home after but you would love to take their numbers and go out for a drink together another time to reminisce. You might get something positive out of it yourself.

I think it would be rude not to invite them , especially as they are likely to be older and may have Traveled a distance.

It's really common, in the current climate, for the wake to be family only at the moment.

I think it is a bit rude: a wake is a chance to share memories and de-stress after the service. If your grandfathers friends are likely to have to go home and be alone or have no one to talk to after the service that might make it harder for them . A wake serves a purpose and you may well find you hear new things that you gain from by meeting those friends of his. Some will decline, some will come for a very short time but I doubt any would stay a very long time as it is in a home. They would probably find a corner to be together and have a warm drink and little bite to eat and then politely head home. Few people can eat before a funeral, a church service followed by a crematorium service at this time of year, may mean the friends are a bit cold, tired and hungry. I would have a chat with your mum as it may upset his friends not to at least get asked to come back to the house for a cup of tea/coffee.

@badg3r

I would say if they ask that you mum is really not coping well so you're going to take her home after but you would love to take their numbers and go out for a drink together another time to reminisce. You might get something positive out of it yourself.

This is a lovely idea. As someone else has said there will be lovely memories and stories that you will take forward with you from talking to your grandfather's friends.

I think it's a bit rude not to provide hospitality.

We did not after my mom's funeral as we were too shattered to organize anything. I know it raised eyebrows and I've felt ashamed lo these 15 years.

My mother would have been mortified to think we didn't provide a lunch at least.

Where I'm from, the wake happens before the funeral and burial, but, yes, people are usually offered a cup of tea/soup/sandwiches after the funeral too. Traditionally, it's a general invitation, and often takes place in a local hotel or pub.
Recently, with Covid, things have been kept smaller, quieter and more private though, so I think people may blame Covid for the lack of an invitation.
If you really feel bad is there any chance you could arrange a cup of tea for all in a local hotel, before family goes on to your mother's house (chances are some, more distant, family wouldn't then make it to your mother's though, if that's an issue).

Yes, it is customary to invite everyone at the funeral back to the wake . I think it would be rude not to ask them. They have come to pay their respects, surely a cup of tea and an egg sandwich isn't too much to offer?

Every funeral I've been to since Covid has been family/specifically invited people only to the wake.

It's not rude in the current climate.

I think saying "crematorium or wake for immediate/close family" makes it clear, without being rude , or giving any ambiguity about whether some friends are invited and some weren't.

At both my parents funerals only immediate family were at the crematorium (there was a church service and a separate bit at the crematorium) but everyone was invited to the wake (in the church hall).
MIL died earlier this year where restrictions meant only 30 at the crematorium and 15 at the wake. They said the funeral was family only but there was a video link for those who wished to attend virtually. Some friends ignored that and came to the service anyway but it was immediate family only at IL house afterwards.

Yes, chances are people, particularly older people,
wouldn't accept the invitation anyway if they're worried about Covid. It would be a waste to organise everything with these 4 friends in mind then. Sometimes it can be easier to leave the catering to a hotel on such a difficult day though , which is another thing to consider.

At a recent family funeral we had a public wake at a hotel which everyone was invited too (drinks, sandwiches cake).

Then the family went back to the house of the deceased for a family supper.

It was lovely to see people we hadn’t seen for ages and reminisce. Then to go back and have a more relaxed intimate family gathering.

Could you have drinks afterwards at a pub/ restaurant? You could keep it low key.

Then family back to your mum’s house afterwards.