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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another funeral etiquette question

69 replies

Pottymouth83 · 26/11/2021 09:18

Is it rude/unkind not to invite non-family members to the wake?

My Grandfather died and a handful of his friends (who we as a family don’t know) are coming to the funeral. My mum has told me just to give them the details of the church and crematorium as the wake is at her house and she wants it to be family only. Is it unusual to do that? Will the friends be offended?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pottymouth83 · 26/11/2021 09:43

Also, oddly, none of the friends knew each other - it’s only about 4 people.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 26/11/2021 09:45

In the situation you have described you are not having a wake in the true sense. Instead some family are going back to your mothers house.

So if anyone asks simply say that there isn't a wake afterwards

50ShadesOfCatholic · 26/11/2021 09:45

It isn't rude. You are not there to please other people. Funerals are for the living and your mother's wishes are very important, she is grieving.

DriftingBlue · 26/11/2021 09:46

I’ve been to some invite only wakes. They tended to be very small or they were formal seated meals.

JurgensCakeBaby · 26/11/2021 09:47

You might even get away with Covid as an excuse, we're not doing a wake because the numbers are increasing etc. I went to a colleague's funeral a few years ago and they had the church hall next door for cups of tea and biscuits after, then the family went on to a wake at one of their homes. It was a well attended funeral my colleague was only 38 and had a 13 year old daughter who was clearly overwhelmed. It meant hospitality was provided and people shared a few memories but her daughter was taken straight back to the house. It seemed like a good compromise.

ISaidDontLickTheBin · 26/11/2021 09:52

So do we think if we said there is no wake, we’re just having a family gathering, that would be better?

Yes that's probably the most straightforward approach

Honeyroar · 26/11/2021 09:52

Generally I’d think it was a bit rude not to invite an elderly person’s elderly friends, but if you tell them that your mum is struggling to cope with doing a wake, perhaps they’ll understand.

One of my neighbours (had been a neighbour for 40 years) went into a home and died a year later. His daughter buried him without telling anyone. The church was instructed to keep it secret. It was very strange. Lots of people would’ve liked to pay their respects.

Ubiquery · 26/11/2021 09:53

So do we think if we said there is no wake, we’re just having a family gathering, that would be better?

Your mum doesn’t have to be there. Could someone stand in as surrogate and just be at X pub or Y place for drinks afterwards?

CarrotVan · 26/11/2021 09:55

Normally the celebrant makes a announcement at the end of the service or it’s printed in the order of service

If you don’t do either of those things then people will assume there is no wake and it will be fine.

You might want to give an email address or postal address in case anyone wants to write to the family afterwards (doesn’t need to be your mum’s)

A colleague of mine died and the funeral was massive - he was very popular with lots of work and personal friends. There was no wake and his wife and immediate family went for a private lunch together

No-one was offended at all. His wife is a very private person and a big wake would have been hell. Various pockets of friends went their separate ways and there were, effectively, several informal mini-wakes

JudgeRindersMinder · 26/11/2021 09:55

It’s a tough one, I understand what you say about your mum struggling with folk she doesn’t know as I can be a bit like that too.

What I would say though is that I lost my dad last year in the first lockdown, and not being able to go through the “normal” stages of grieving, like a wake, made it even tougher for both me and my sister.

Miraloma · 26/11/2021 09:58

It's completely up to you, and in my experience if something is arranged then the celebrant will say so at that end of the service or it's printed on the order of service that 'family would like you to join them XYZ'

M

PurBal · 26/11/2021 09:59

Weird not to have a wake open to all tbh

Jossbow · 26/11/2021 10:05

Its wierd to have a wake and not include everyone.

Either you meet together fter the service to have a cuppa and a reminiss and catch up, or you dont. I'd find it quite upsettin if I knew a wake of sorts was happening and that I was excluded

SageRosemary · 26/11/2021 10:08

If you were asking this question 2 years ago, then it may have seemed rude.

Covid has put a different spin on things and I can see why your mother might want to stick with a family group only.

Mumdiva99 · 26/11/2021 10:22

I think it depends if they have travelled. If they are local friends and just popped around the corner to come then to have 'no wake' is fine. If they have had more than 30 minute journey I think it would be rude not to offer some hospitality.

whynotwhatknot · 26/11/2021 10:23

Its up to your mum i dont think its weird ,shes not coping-she fdoesnt have to have people in her home she doesnt want

Charmatt · 26/11/2021 10:23

Why does there have to be 'rules'? Why can't it be what is best for your Mum - his daughter?

Some people are so tied up about what things look like to other people - you should care about those most affected and how they feel.

LuaDipa · 26/11/2021 10:26

Just say that there isn’t one. It’s true really, you are just having a small family gathering. They might think it’s poor form but that’s not your problem. Look after your dm.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/11/2021 10:37

Look after your mum and use the 'excuse' of covid.

Don't think it matters not having a public funeral tea if people have only travelled a short distance.

Although I'd hope there would be at least a drink and sandwich if someone had to travel.

For my mums/father in laws, there was a large sit down meal as so many people had travelled. Neither of them would he happy to send people away hungry and thirsty Grin

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 26/11/2021 10:44

Normally it might be considered rude to exclude close friends.

With Covid I think the (unofficial) rules are different and it’s fine.

Ubiquery · 26/11/2021 10:46

Why does there have to be 'rules'?

Why is there such a think as etiquette and convention??

maxelly · 26/11/2021 10:49

@Charmatt

Why does there have to be 'rules'? Why can't it be what is best for your Mum - his daughter?

Some people are so tied up about what things look like to other people - you should care about those most affected and how they feel.

Why are there 'rules' - well it's quite normal and natural for societies to evolve etiquettes and ritualised practices around significant life events such as deaths and grieving, it's not because no-one cares about how the bereaved feel and blindly want to follow 'rules' - quite the reverse, it gives people a framework of how we behave at these times and it gives a lot of people comfort to follow those rituals, such as hosting a wake for family and friends of the deceased.

It doesn't mean we have to blindly follow the rituals and etiquettes if we don't personally find them comforting or helpful, of course not, there's nuance in everything (yes, even on MN). I don't see anyone here suggesting the mother must host a gigantic all bells and whistles party or even a 'wake' at all if she doesn't want to, just because those are the rules, more that since OP specifically asked about the normal etiquette around wakes and whether it could be perceived as rude to exclude people (and on the AIBU board at that), people are honestly answering that yes it could. I doubt anyone would barge into a thread on the beareavement board, or into a conversation IRL and start critiquing other people's funeral plans unasked for, that really would be rude and wrong?!

OP, now you've clarified the friends don't know one another and are all local that changes things, I would simply not mention a wake (use COVID as an excuse if you feel awkward). As they are local they can presumably arrange for their own refreshments/informal gathering afterwards as a PP did in a similar situation if they like. It's not what I would do personally but if that's how your mother prefers it then fair enough...

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 26/11/2021 10:58

When my dad died we considered a wake but I couldn't face it. Mum would have liked me to host something to thank people for coming but I couldn't do it. My mum wouldn't come to the funeral so she stayed with my cousin and our children and we had lunch there afterwards.

After the service we were able to chat outside for quite a while and I was surprised how uplifted I felt and almost wished we had planned a wake. But I think we did the right thing for us. Funerals are for those left behind and the closer you are the more your needs should be considered.

caketiger · 26/11/2021 11:08

I think it's rude to not invite them, the wake is often where the reminiscing happens and people gain Comfort from each other.

Bookworm20 · 26/11/2021 11:11

A wake generally would include everyone who went to the funeral, but it really is upto the family.

In your case you are having close family gather at the house afterwards and I don't think that is rude at all.

To me, this isn't a wake as such and therefore just telling people you have chosen not to have a formal wake, instead close family will be with (your mother) at her house afterwards and thank them for coming.