SIL wedding gift comment

[babyshark71]

Visited my DB recently. He and his fiancée are having a destination wedding and it's going to cost us a small fortune to go. We were only going to get them a card, as we feel that us spending the money on flights, accommodation, and spending money is essentially our gift to them.

The conversation came up at dinner about going to their wedding, and my brother mentioned that they won't be asking people for gifts because of the fact that it will cost people so much to get there, his fiancée then chirped up and said "well I f*cking am!"

I was a little stunned and didn't say anything. Not sure how to bring up the topic with them about us not really being able to afford a gift, as I feel that we sort of have to get them a proper gift after her comment 😫

What does everyone think?

[Poppins2016]

@Bluntness100

If you can’t afford a gift then explain that, i also don’t feel your presence is a gift though. Unless there is a back story I’m assuming you get the benefit of a trip over seas you will enjoy, a gift tends not to benefit the giver like that.

I don't see spending time and money on something that other people have dictated as a 'benefit'... holiday choices (especially expensive overseas trips) are very subjective!

[wtfisgoingonhere21]

How about a memory pot op?

Get a terramumdi online and then ask all family members and friends to write a little not to the bride and groom and place them in the pot.

I've done that for friends and they've kept up the tradition each year.

The notes have a date on them and just a nice memory from each family member or friend.

They can choose to open it after the wedding or wait for their first anniversary etc.

It's a great but cheap gift and more personal than anything you can buy

[TarasCrazyTiara]

Ugh, destination weddings are so gross and arrogant (unless they’re giving everyone an all expense payed trip which never happens). Basically they’re saying if you can’t afford to go then your not worth being included as family to us.

“Sorry Granny, I know you struggle to make ends meet and have always put family first but you can’t afford a trip to Ibiza so fuck you” - real nice.

Let me guess the destination wedding was also gift demanding future SIL’s idea? Sounds like a total cow. I wouldn’t blow the budget going to the wedding if it’s not practical let alone get the bitch a gift.

[FestiveMayo]

Nothing, everyone just sat there in silence for a bit and eventually the topic changed. haha how awkward for her! Yeah don't get a gift. Sounds like no one else wants to either.

[Yogaandcocoa]

It sounds like your brother gets it so I'd be content with that.

I don't agree with PPs who say you should give a gift tbh. People having a wedding abroad must realise it could cost guests hundreds to attend and shouldn't expect a gift as well.

[Yogaandcocoa]

I don't see spending time and money on something that other people have dictated as a 'benefit'... holiday choices (especially expensive overseas trips) are very subjective!

I agree. You might enjoy a wedding when you're there but it's money you probably wouldn't have chosen to spend at that specific time and venue if not for the wedding.

[GiltEdges]

I think if your finances are so strained by attending that you couldn't afford even a token gift then you really shouldn't be attending the wedding. And that's not an observation on whether a destination wedding should be considered a gift to the B&G rather than a holiday (which I agree with), but it really doesn't sound like you can afford to go... so personally I wouldn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

[DifferentHair]

Honestly I think getting a token gift is the classy move.

If you show up empty handed it smacks of 'your wedding has cost us big time. making it to this circus is enough for us thank you'. It sorts of gives it away that you feel their wedding is onerous.

Their wedding is onerous for guests, but once you've committed to going you might as well go in good spirits and with a celebratory/generous vibe.

Just get them a cheap frame and put a photo of the family or something in it. A big part of the joy of a gift is that someone was moved to get you something- anything- and put thought into it.

Don't spend a lot of money, but weddings are traditionally a gift giving occasion and you might look a bit petulant just giving a card or nothing.

Disclaimer: I fucking hate destination weddings. I think they're indulgent and selfish and exclude people who can't afford it etc. I hate them.

If you feel even a little bit annoyed about the destination wedding- then all the more reason to give a gift to help hide your (perfectly sensible and natural IMO) feelings about their (selfish IMO) destination wedding.

[pictish]

Well she can expect can’t she? Personally, I’d spend a little on a nice token gift…something tasteful, something they’ll like. Nothing steep.

She’s mad if she thinks she’s going to be getting a haul of presents on top of the cost of attending their bloody destination wedding.
Very naive and selfy.

[pictish]

Or everything differenthair said there.

Agree. I hate destination weddings too. Who do people think they bloody are demanding so much from others for their wedding?

It is not a holiday or an honour to spend ££££ and precious annual leave to watch someone else get married.

[pictish]

P.s Have been invited to two and declined both. If it’s someone else’s wedding versus family holiday (it is), then the wedding doesn’t get a look in.

Bil didn’t speak to us for four years after we didn’t go to his week-long wedding in ARGENTINA.
We really didn’t care. His head’s up his arse.

[Hathertonhariden]

@Bluntness100

If you can’t afford a gift then explain that, i also don’t feel your presence is a gift though. Unless there is a back story I’m assuming you get the benefit of a trip over seas you will enjoy, a gift tends not to benefit the giver like that.

It doesn't benefit the giver if it's not a destination they would have chosen themselves, and if it is somewhere they want to go their free time to enjoy it is curtailed by the wedding activities. If it costs so much that it prevents you having another holiday at a time and place of your own choosing then it's very definitely not a benefit.

[ineedsun]

This thread is surprising and depressing in equal measures. Destination weddings are totally for the benefit of the bride and groom, unless everyone going would choose to go at that time, to that place, with those people. To have such a lack of awareness that guests are spending money and annual leave they might not be able to spare or they have to miss out on something else to be there. They’re doing it because they want to celebrate the bride and groom. It’s totally self obsessed of the B&G to then say they expect a present too (destination wedding or not), when someone has already committed so much to attending, and if the message is ‘the present is part of the package, if you can’t afford it don’t come’ - well, fuck me, I can’t even formulate the words for how twatty that is.

[pictish]

Absolutely. If we could afford to fly to Argentina we’d go somewhere else. I’d delightedly go to Argentina for free. If it’s my money that’s funding it, there are other places I’d far rather spend thousands on taking my family to.

As it is, our family holidays are British cottage holidays and we’re stretched to afford that. Of course we didn’t go to Argentina.

[SunshineCake1]

@RandomMess

I would send them a message would you prefer our presence or presents as we need to know before we book/pay the balance to attend.

I would be Crystal clear it's one option or the other!

This is the best option. No room for ambiguity. If she was joking it will be obvious in her reply. If she was serious maybe she has had a talk with her future husband and he has said his opinion and she's realised how rude and grabby plus thoughtless she sounded.

[StillWalking]

I went to a family member’s destination wedding (long haul flight away) and took with me as a gift a significant family heirloom which I had in my keeping but have now passed on to the next generation. Cost me nothing but was greatly appreciated. Could you do something similar OP?

[girlmom21]

I don't agree that you should have to give a gift if you're spending lots of money on attending but I do think you should just have £100 less spending money or whatever if you feel like you have to get the one.

Not wanting to get a gift is fine but saying you can't afford one just isn't true.

[LoveGoldberg]

it’s a choice and if you’re struggling to afford it and a gift then you probably shouldn’t go

I would be devastated if someone didn’t come to my wedding because they couldn’t afford a gift! I would much rather them attend.

[MingeofDeath]

If you can't afford a gift don't buy one. That aside, tell us more about SIL, what's she like?How is their relationship?

[Eskarina1]

I'm so stunned by the people who wouldn't attend their own brother's wedding if they couldn't afford a gift. My MIL had to travel to our wedding and as she couldn't stay with us, she needed kennels for her dog. The cost of this was a lot to her so we told her her present to us was attending because it was our wedding and we wanted her there. I can't imagine wanting a gift more than my sister sharing the experience.

[ineedsun]

@girlmom21

I don't agree that you should have to give a gift if you're spending lots of money on attending but I do think you should just have £100 less spending money or whatever if you feel like you have to get the one.

Not wanting to get a gift is fine but saying you can't afford one just isn't true.

How do you know? Do you have access to the OPs bank account? How do you know that they’re not already planning how to do the wedding as cheaply as possible so that they can be there?

Have you never been to a social event for someone else’s celebration and had to plan ahead how many drinks you can have spread through the evening, or driven so you don’t have to explain to people why you’re not drinking? But you’ve gone because you want to be there for the person. If not, that’s great, but don’t make the assumption that everyone else has the luxury of spending £100 less on spending money so they can buy a gift for the people they’re already supporting on other ways.

[PurpleDaisies]

The destination wedding I went to had no “spending money”. It was just the food and drinks I ate.

[Bluntness100]

Seems this is a divisive subject, for me and others I don’t see th attendance as a gift and see a gift as part of the cost of a wedding.

I’m guessing op, you’re only going as you feel duty bound and are literally flying in and out and won’t Be spending on other things like meals out drinks etc, so they will know you can’t afford a gift.

[babyshark71]

To those saying that I shouldn't go, just FYI, another comment my future SIL made was "The people who really love us will be there" (or something to that effect, I can't remember the exact words", but basically, if people didn't go it would mean that they don't deem the B&G as important enough was the jist of the comment.

Also a few people have mentioned having destination weddings and paying for accommodation for their guests, we're paying for everything ourselves.

[Bluntness100]

Look you clearly dislike her, so why fake it.