SIL wedding gift comment

[babyshark71]

Visited my DB recently. He and his fiancée are having a destination wedding and it's going to cost us a small fortune to go. We were only going to get them a card, as we feel that us spending the money on flights, accommodation, and spending money is essentially our gift to them.

The conversation came up at dinner about going to their wedding, and my brother mentioned that they won't be asking people for gifts because of the fact that it will cost people so much to get there, his fiancée then chirped up and said "well I f*cking am!"

I was a little stunned and didn't say anything. Not sure how to bring up the topic with them about us not really being able to afford a gift, as I feel that we sort of have to get them a proper gift after her comment 😫

What does everyone think?

[babyshark71]

@DawnAnn

It sounds like they both have VERY different attitudes to their wedding.. Not a good sign for their future together, especially with her being so grabby and selfish. Do you think the marriage is likely to last? If not, then I wouldn't bother with all of the hassle and expense of attending.

Yea I think it will last, they seem so happy together, and they've already been together for a long time. I do like her a lot tbh, I'm just concerned about the comment because I'm so worried that she's expecting a gift that I can't afford.

[Returnoftheowl]

@NewbieAlert

I don’t really think attendance counts as a gift to the B&G…
…if you don’t want to give a gift that’s your choice.

I’d maybe try and do something small or homemade as a gesture.

I think attendance does count if you're spending thousands and using up your annual leave allowance.

I think questioning whether it's your presence or presents that are requested would clear it up.

[Lady1576]

If it wasn’t a joke, then I think that’s pretty graceless of her, but then, fishing for an opt-out from giving a gift isn’t super classy either. If the wedding is too expensive to attend, I would not go, and send a thoughtful gift instead. But if I did decide to go, giving something on the cheaper side but still thoughtful, shouldn’t make a huge difference. They’ll still presumably be organising and hosting you at an enjoyable event. If it is a huge drag to you, again I wouldn’t go. I’m sure there are other people they’d like to add to their guest list.

[Aquamarine1029]

I think you're crazy for spending so much money to go to a wedding, even if it is your brother's. It's a ridiculous waste of money.

[Lady1576]

Ah sorry op, I misread your post and thought your partner had been asking if they really expect gifts. I agree, it’s not nice to think someone is putting a lot of value on you buying something expensive as well as forking out for a destination wedding.

[HollowTalk]

Would she spend thousands of pounds going to somebody else's wedding? And if she did do this, did she buy them a gift?

[DontBeCatty]

I’d get a gift. An inexpensive one is ok but not getting one at all is a bit mean. You can get amazing bargains if you shop around. Are you or your husband able to make anything?

[MsDidoTwite]

Destination weddings are sooo 2000s. Didn’t they get the memo? Seriously, anyone who expects you to fork out £££ for their dream wedding is an entitled twit.

[SexyNeckbeard]

I had a destination wedding - about 15% of my guests bought us a gift when we had also specified no gifts. You will not be the only person not buying presents so don't give it any more head space. You're spending enough to attend

[DingDongDenny]

I would message your brother and say something along the lines of 'I'm relieved you aren't expecting gifts from our side of the family because tbh we are broke with all the extra costs of the wedding'

[traka]

She sounds delightful

[colette1970]

Go aldi buy a gift card and stick £5 on it .

[Kite22]

She does sound special, doesn't she ?

However, you don't need to bring it up.
You just choose what you think is the right thing to do.

I personally don't think anyone's presence at a wedding is a "gift" to the couple, but equally, if you don't want to give a gift, then there is no obligation - it isn't like selling tickets.

[ChargingBuck]

as I feel that we sort of have to get them a proper gift after her comment

Why would you feel that, when your own brother doesn't?

[Hawkins001]

@babyshark71

Thanks everyone! To everyone saying that it sounded like a joke, I'm 99% sure it wasn't. I can't explain it over text, but the tone of how it was said told me that she was serious, hence the OP.

Certainly seems unusual, how much £ does most of the people they know, earn ?

[ThousandsOfTulips]

I wouldn't attend a wedding without giving some money (or a gift instead if there was a gift list). Even a friend's wedding, let alone a family one. It's part of the cost of going to a wedding, and if you can't afford to go then don't go. You don't take the bride and groom's hospitality and give no gift!

On the flip side, at my wedding we paid for all of the hotel costs for every guest to stay, all the food, all of the drinks. It's just about good manners, both ways.

Yes guests have to pay to get to the wedding venue (some people have no choice but to have what is considered a "destination wedding" for half of the couple's family and friends if the couple are not from the same country so I find that term silly, and even if it's somewhere unrelated, it's usually somewhere beautiful and often somewhere you've not been to before that you cqn extend into a longer holiday). And obviously pay for their own clothes etc!

But a wedding is basically a free party to celebrate your friends or family being happy. I really don't understand the vitriol on here about it, it's great fun and makes me happy to see people I love in love!

[RedRobin100]

Sounds like a joke that misfired

[Bogeyes]

A friend of mine told me to save my pennies as she was getting married in the Dominicans and was inviting me to attend. I remember thinking how bloody selfish expecting people to spend money they can't afford just to please them. As it was it didn't happen as they split up. I still think it is selfish!

[ClaudiaJ1]

@babyshark71 I'm just concerned about the comment because I'm so worried that she's expecting a gift that I can't afford.

I think you should have a quiet and gentle word to your DB, and explain you can barely afford to attend the wedding let alone a gift. If she normally decent (as you said you like her a lot) then he may be able to have quiet and reasonable word with her and explain how much it is costing people just to attend, and if she's reasonable she will be come around to seeing it differently.

[Monty27]

@Bluntness100 the OP is already spending a lot of money to attend her DBs wedding and a present on top isn't expected by db.
OP is not traveling for her own enjoyment.

[Marvellousmadness]

At a local wedding presence isnt a present
But at a destination wedding it sure as hell should be. How greedy

[Namenic]

We have a destination wedding issue - relative on my side of family, location not somewhere we would choose to go as a family, child-free (and I will have a breastfeeding baby at that time). So logistically it is causing some issues - especially as DH does not want to go there as he doesn’t like beach places and would be a considerable expense. I would like to go to support the couple - who are nice people. I do feel my presence is a gift as we’d definitely be doing things we wouldn’t choose to do or spend our money on to be there. That said, I’d probably get a small gift for them.

[MimiDaisy11]

I don’t get some of these comments. I don’t see how a wedding abroad is more of a treat for the guests. They didn’t choose the destination or when they go. They don’t get to do what they want. The bride and groom haven’t done them a favour. The guests are quite capable of going on holiday if they can and want to. So the money spent is on the bride and groom and should be considered as the gift.

[sjxoxo]

I hate destination weddings where guests have to pay for the whole thing themselves. I think it’s really selfish. We did one but we paid for all accommodation and all food for the trip. Guests paid for getting there and back. Some people bought gifts or donated to a charity, others no. Don’t buy a gift if you don’t want to. You’re not obligated Xo

[MrsLargeEmbodied]

i am sure you can afford something op, however small