SIL wedding gift comment

[babyshark71]

Visited my DB recently. He and his fiancée are having a destination wedding and it's going to cost us a small fortune to go. We were only going to get them a card, as we feel that us spending the money on flights, accommodation, and spending money is essentially our gift to them.

The conversation came up at dinner about going to their wedding, and my brother mentioned that they won't be asking people for gifts because of the fact that it will cost people so much to get there, his fiancée then chirped up and said "well I f*cking am!"

I was a little stunned and didn't say anything. Not sure how to bring up the topic with them about us not really being able to afford a gift, as I feel that we sort of have to get them a proper gift after her comment 😫

What does everyone think?

[Allsorts1]

You don’t need to bring it up, just don’t get them a gift. I’m sure they’ll be very distracted by the wedding etc and not really even remember who got what. Your brother has also said he won’t ask for gifts so just go on the assumption that applies to his family.

[babyshark71]

Also, I resent this mentality of "if you can't afford it, don't go". Surely that's not what weddings are about? Only people with money are allowed to go because they can afford a gift?

[babyshark71]

@Bluntness100

Look you clearly dislike her, so why fake it.

Actually, if you read my updates, you would see me saying the opposite :)

[girlmom21]

@ineedsun amazing that you've quoted a post and still missed the entire point.
OP has cited her spending money as a gift to the bride and groom.

If she has spending money, she can put some of that towards a gift. She doesn't need to spend £100 on them but she's not sacrificed her spending money here.

As I said, I don't think there's an obligation to buy a gift. I said that sacrificing spending money was an option if she felt obligated.

I'm not sure why that means I've never struggled for money but ok.

[girlmom21]

another comment my future SIL made was "The people who really love us will be there" (or something to that effect, I can't remember the exact words", but basically, if people didn't go it would mean that they don't deem the B&G as important enough was the jist of the comment.

Why don't you tell your brother to just tell her to stop being a massive twat? Imagine how she's going to be when she has a baby? Jesus.

[SmallPrawnEnergy]

another comment my future SIL made was "The people who really love us will be there" (or something to that effect, I can't remember the exact words", but basically, if people didn't go it would mean that they don't deem the B&G as important enough

Grade A bellend. She basically equates money as love. Your brother is in for a wild ride.


Look you clearly dislike her, so why fake it.
Would you like someone so conceited? Actually don’t answer that, just clocked your username.

[FestiveMayo]

To those saying that I shouldn't go, just FYI, another comment my future SIL made was "The people who really love us will be there oof! What a moo. Don't go.

[Notonthestairs]

Weddings can bring out the worst. There are threads berating people for not attending siblings weddings and now one saying don't go, it's more important to send a gift...

First of all - Talk to your brother. He sounds sensible.

If you really feel the need to send a gift take some nice family photos and stick them in a frame/photo book. It's personal, thoughtful and relatively cheap.

[muddyford]

She's a gold-digger. Ignore.

[sunnyandshare]

I think many people who do destination weddings feel they are doing the guests a massive favour as they are "getting a holiday out of it"
OP definitely text your bro and SIL and say you can't afford to do both, so what would they prefer. You don't want SIL making any PA comments after about people not buying presents.

[ineedsun]

[quote girlmom21]@ineedsun amazing that you've quoted a post and still missed the entire point.
OP has cited her spending money as a gift to the bride and groom.

If she has spending money, she can put some of that towards a gift. She doesn't need to spend £100 on them but she's not sacrificed her spending money here.

As I said, I don't think there's an obligation to buy a gift. I said that sacrificing spending money was an option if she felt obligated.

I'm not sure why that means I've never struggled for money but ok. [/quote]
Actually I think you’re missing the point. You have no idea how much they have and how tight things will be, they may have just enough to not have to sit in a room for the duration of the holiday. You’ve literally accused the OP of lying because they have mentioned spending money. That suggests that you don’t understand how tight things are for some people.

[appleturnovers]

Just go with what your brother said (no gift). Or a really small gift costing a tenner, like a nice photo frame or something.
I would go on the assumption that she was either joking or just making an offhand comment that she doesn't really set that much store by. And if I'm wrong and she does say something, just say: "There's no way we could have afforded it after paying to come to the wedding. It was either buy a gift or come, and there was no way in the world I wanted to miss such an important day".

Some people just have no idea about other people's incomes and have no idea what's affordable and what isn't.

[girlmom21]

@ineedsun you're clearly hard of reading.

I said IF the OP feels to she HAS to give a gift she should use some of her spending money, not that she HAS to give a gift.

The only way she can absolutely not afford any kind of token gift is if the only spending money she has is for her meals while she's there. Otherwise it's a case of priorities.

[percythewitch]

So your SIL has arranged a wedding abroad that you can barely afford to go to and is now demanding a gift.

How about you just say no?

Why do you have to do what she says?

Does she have some sort of hold over you?

[Lalliella]

That sounds like a joke to me. I’d buy them something though - small and personal as others suggest.

[ineedsun]

[quote girlmom21]@ineedsun you're clearly hard of reading.

I said IF the OP feels to she HAS to give a gift she should use some of her spending money, not that she HAS to give a gift.

The only way she can absolutely not afford any kind of token gift is if the only spending money she has is for her meals while she's there. Otherwise it's a case of priorities.[/quote]
I really don’t think I am, for some people the money they have for food, is the only spending money they have. Suggesting they prioritise a wedding present of £100 (or however much) might mean they go without food.

From your insistence, it sounds like you’ve never been in that position which is great for you. But why should someone feel pressured into going without food (or anything to be honest) so that they can give someone a present when they’ve already prioritised the happy couple’s destination wedding?

[babyshark71]

@wtfisgoingonhere21

How about a memory pot op?

Get a terramumdi online and then ask all family members and friends to write a little not to the bride and groom and place them in the pot.

I've done that for friends and they've kept up the tradition each year.

The notes have a date on them and just a nice memory from each family member or friend.

They can choose to open it after the wedding or wait for their first anniversary etc.

It's a great but cheap gift and more personal than anything you can buy

This is such a beautiful idea, thank you!! ❤

[babyshark71]

@girlmom21

I don't agree that you should have to give a gift if you're spending lots of money on attending but I do think you should just have £100 less spending money or whatever if you feel like you have to get the one.

Not wanting to get a gift is fine but saying you can't afford one just isn't true.

I can assure you that I'm not lying about not being able to afford it.

I don't feel that having £100 less spending money to give to them is a fair thing to ask when we'll need every penny we can get.

I'm going to make them something thoughtful and give it to them after the wedding. That's what I've decided

[Livpool]

@MsDidoTwite

Destination weddings are sooo 2000s. Didn’t they get the memo? Seriously, anyone who expects you to fork out £££ for their dream wedding is an entitled twit.

Agreed!

My cousin is getting married abroad in a couple of years and is trying to guilt us into going. Latest thing is she wants DS to be a page boy. She sees him about once a year!

[hoomama]

I just wouldn't get anything.

No one is ever going to pull you up on it or ask about it.

Totally agree that if you've spent so much on travel/accommodation etc then no way should she expect a present.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Your brother has stated he doesn't expect a present.

Jon done.

[grapewine]

She sounds like bridezilla with those comments. Destination weddings are the ultimate self indulgence that other people are expected to partake in.

[phoenixrosehere]

Also, I resent this mentality of "if you can't afford it, don't go". Surely that's not what weddings are about? Only people with money are allowed to go because they can afford a gift?

Think it’s more if you can’t afford to go, don’t put yourself in debt or behind in payments to do so.

My DH and I had a destination wedding but that was because we’re from two different countries and the mid point was the middle of an ocean so instead we chose the nearest coast to mid point so everyone had to travel including us that was easy to travel to and the cheapest weekend we could find. My mother mentioned gifts and I told her we didn’t need or want any and said so.

We paid for wedding dinner and drinks. Everyone went around doing their own thing in the meantime and only had to meet for the wedding. We gave gifts to people who made the journey in thanks and sent one back to SIL and family since they couldn’t make it. I didn’t know why they couldn’t make it nor assumed the worse (always got on well) so didn’t worry about it.

[NearlyThereMum]

@Santaischeckinglists

His and hers socks.
In a mahoosive box...

[NearlyThereMum]

@babyshark71

Visited my DB recently. He and his fiancée are having a destination wedding and it's going to cost us a small fortune to go. We were only going to get them a card, as we feel that us spending the money on flights, accommodation, and spending money is essentially our gift to them.

The conversation came up at dinner about going to their wedding, and my brother mentioned that they won't be asking people for gifts because of the fact that it will cost people so much to get there, his fiancée then chirped up and said "well I f*cking am!"

I was a little stunned and didn't say anything. Not sure how to bring up the topic with them about us not really being able to afford a gift, as I feel that we sort of have to get them a proper gift after her comment 😫

What does everyone think?

Stick to your guns, if it's a money issue then I'm assuming it will not be any different by the time the wedding comes so as your circumstances have not changed, neither should your stance? I would now Be even less inclined to give her/them anything after that Comment