To want to know what legal steps I need to take here?

[Welshmaenad]

Sorry, might be long. Posting for traffic and brutal honesty from AIBU vipers.

I am in the process of divorcing, separated nearly 6 years, 2DC, elder doing GCSEs this summer, younger yr7. I am in a relationship with DP, who was a partner from before I married STBH. We have been friends since, I remained very close to his parents, who have always been very supportive of me and my DC. We got back together earlier this year.

We have been discussing options for moving in together at some point. He lives in my home area, I live about 40 minutes away, I moved there to live with STBXH and bought my own house local to him when we split. My job, my remaining family (aDd, DBIL, nieces, aunts uncles cousins etc) and most of my friends are in my home area. I really want to go home. There's much more there for the DC and schools are better. I am also disabled with a chronic illness which is deteriorating and the extra support would be beneficial to all of us.

MIL and FIL have raised the idea that the DC and I move in with them (DP currently lives with them for various reasons). They have a large house that would happily fit us all, and we could split expenses. They have a small mortgage remaining on the house and a few bits of work that ideally need doing over the next few years.

I trust them, and my DP, implicitly. However DP has two older half sisters, one with some contact, one who had not bothered with PIL for years (FILS child but raised by MIL). I have some concerns about particularly the latter trying to challenge for an inheritance when PIL are gone.

I don't know what the hell kind of legal agreement would be needed regarding the house if I am going to be paying half the mortgage/expenses if we move in, and how best to broach this with MIL and FIL without causing offence re their daughters. If anyone has been in this situation with multigenerational living I'd appreciate input. It's all just an idea at present and any move would need to wait for an appropriate time in the children's schooling etc.

Am I asking for trouble or could this work?

Are PIL your husband (about to be ex) parents, or your partner's parents?

@MichelleScarn

Are PIL your husband (about to be ex) parents, or your partner's parents?

Sorry, I wasn't clear there! PIL are DPs parents. If I had to live with STBXHs parents or in a cave, it would be the cave.

I'm aware they're nit technically my "in-laws" but we are very close, they have appointed themselves in logo parentis since my own parents died, and I have called them Mum and Dad for a long time.

Are you paying their mortgage or paying them rent? If it's the latter you won't have any claim on the property when they die so unless their wills cut out their daughters the estate would be shared between their children equally. You wouldn't have a right to anything yourself.

If you want your payments to mean you own part of the house you will need to get them to put you on the deeds. Ideally they would just sell the house to you for whatever the outstanding mortgage is and you take the entire payment on. That way you'd be able to make sure your SIL doesn't get any inheritance.

@HarrietsChariot

Are you paying their mortgage or paying them rent? If it's the latter you won't have any claim on the property when they die so unless their wills cut out their daughters the estate would be shared between their children equally. You wouldn't have a right to anything yourself.

If you want your payments to mean you own part of the house you will need to get them to put you on the deeds. Ideally they would just sell the house to you for whatever the outstanding mortgage is and you take the entire payment on. That way you'd be able to make sure your SIL doesn't get any inheritance.

Yes, it's less the split costs issue, but if it works and I sell my own property I would be investing a lump sum into having work done improving our shared property.

I don't want to come across as grabby, just to know that I wouldn't be turfed out if something happened to them, and to protect any sizeable investments for my DC.

As the mortgage is small, and you’d only be paying half, I’m not sure why you expect the siblings not to claim their inheritance? Are you expecting to inherit the house if PIL die?

In any case, I think you and PIL should separately get legal advice as this sounds like it will be a minefield.

You would mad to consider this so early in your relationship.

Even though you’ve known each other for years, you’ve not been back together long.

Even with a legal agreement you and your children would be very vulnerable if you and he split up.

X post. Do not spend any money improving a house you don’t own. That would be madness.

I trust them, and my DP, implicitly

Madness.

@JustLyra

You would mad to consider this so early in your relationship.

Even though you’ve known each other for years, you’ve not been back together long.

Even with a legal agreement you and your children would be very vulnerable if you and he split up.

If we go ahead (would be next summer at the very earliest) I would not be in a rush to sell my own property. Would potentially rent it out in the short term. I don't have a mortgage so don't have to worry about paying both mortgage and rent.

I can't see why these half-sisters could have any valid concerns about you living there - it's not their house, not their business. If they haven't actually said anything, move in and don't be worried about them. What they inherit is up to the inlaws, if they have concerns they can say something .

@PicsInRed

I trust them, and my DP, implicitly

Madness.

Madness to trust people who have supported and helped me for twenty years, through some really tough times in my life?

If you are mortgage free then you’re in a relatively good position.

Would selling yours not buy you somewhere outright in your home area?

Then you’d have somewhere that is yours and your children’s.

@tallduckandhandsome

X post. Do not spend any money improving a house you don’t own. That would be madness.

This.

You need legal advice. So, so many potential issues. Ringfencing any monies you put into the property. Ensuring you can't be evicted without notice if it all goes belly-up. The sisters and future inheritance issues. Sharing of utility and upkeep costs. And no doubt other things I haven't thought of.

Do NOT do this without talking to a lawyer and ensuring that some form of legal agreement is put in place.

I would keep the house you have rather than buying into their house. Perhaps you could give the rent money (after tax etc) to the PIL so you are not gaining from the arrangement. It sounds far too complicated otherwise and your security would be tied up in their house.

Madness to trust people who have supported and helped me for twenty years, through some really tough times in my life?

Yes, it’s still madness. My mother, who would step in front of a bus for me, has left the family home to our brother in her will, leaving out all daughters.

Do not underestimate people’s propensity to leave property to whom ever they wish.

@JustLyra

If you are mortgage free then you’re in a relatively good position.

Would selling yours not buy you somewhere outright in your home area?

Then you’d have somewhere that is yours and your children’s.

Unfortunately not - home area is significant more expensive than where I live now, and selling my place would not leave enough to buy something big enough for the 4 of us. There's an option to joint mortgage, but due to my health issues I am reluctant to take on a large mortgage because if I deteriorate and have to reduce my work hours or give up work, we'd struggle, even with DP's wage.

Living with PILs offers lots of benefits as well as securing their property - it's very dear to me but they are finding the upkeep on such a large, very old, house a lot to manage now they are semi retired.

Madness to trust people who have supported and helped me for twenty years, through some really tough times in my life?

Blood is nearly always, without exception, thicker than water

Buy your own house in the area if you want to live there anyway..

Will it work for dc schools/college? Where are their friends?
How will they see their Father if you move
You seem much more focused on your dp and his parents and their big house....and cutting out his SIL than your DC ..and yourself..if their your parents is he not like your brother??

Seems like you've jumped v quickly on but backwards into your comfort space....

I think it's too soon to lose the security of your own home to move in with your partner's parents. I think they would be mad to gift you an interest in their home. Surely paying a share of a small mortgage would just be in lieu of paying them rent . DO they have financial difficulties? What happens if they need to go into a care home and the house sold to fund that? Why don't you sell up your current home and buy one near them?

Surely the "PILs" house would remain their house, and the most reasonable expectation would be that their house would be split between their own children when they pass away, rather than passed to you. It would be odd to expect them to give it to you over their own children!

You should obviously pay them rent and yours and your children's share of the expenses if you intend to live there. I would imagine this would be far, far cheaper than private rental/mortgage payments and the bills and expenses in running your own home - so you'll be able to save money there, and should be able to build up a nest egg for the future.

When it comes to large lump sums, then obviously I don't really see why you would be handing them over to them - it's not your property, so why would you pay to make improvements to it?

So in a nutshell, their house is theirs not yours, and you living there doesn't change that. So don't spend your money on a house that isn't yours! If you want to live with them and pay rent and bills, that's fine, but you can't expect some kind of ownership to be handed to you!

Think you need legal advice on this. You also need to be realistic that the sisters are entitled to have inheritance and not everything will be left to you. Your pil need a make a will that means anything you pay you’ll get back and make provisions for their other children. Don’t be selfish to think you’ll get it all.

Unfortunately not - home area is significant more expensive than where I live now, and selling my place would not leave enough to buy something big enough for the 4 of us. There's an option to joint mortgage, but due to my health issues I am reluctant to take on a large mortgage because if I deteriorate and have to reduce my work hours or give up work, we'd struggle, even with DP's wage.

If your health is delicate then you’d be even more mad to do this. Health issues are one of the biggest stresses on a relationship. You need to protect yourself and your children.

Living with PILs offers lots of benefits as well as securing their property - it's very dear to me but they are finding the upkeep on such a large, very old, house a lot to manage now they are semi retired.

You have health issues. You will also find upkeep of such a large, very old house difficult going forward.
How will joint you afford to run such a house if you have to give up work?

Have you thought about how you’ll afford to buy your husband’s siblings out when their parents die? If they’re cut out of a share completely and contest it then that will be insanely expensive.

What if his parents need carers or adaptions going forward?

What will happen to you and your children if you split up? To get your invested funds back out the house would have to be sold - where would an elderly couple get that level of money?

Could you not buy a percentage of the house so your joint owners that way your share is protected and yours regardless of what they do inheritance wise. So if they need 200k for improvements you buy 200k percentage of the house and they then have the moment for improvements.

@averythinline

Buy your own house in the area if you want to live there anyway..

Will it work for dc schools/college? Where are their friends?
How will they see their Father if you move
You seem much more focused on your dp and his parents and their big house....and cutting out his SIL than your DC ..and yourself..if their your parents is he not like your brother??

Seems like you've jumped v quickly on but backwards into your comfort space....

They will still spend EOW with their father. He drives, and works near my home area anyway, and I will facilitate transport, failing that there's a train that will take them virtually door to door.

Schools there are better than here. I'm unimpressed with college options for elder DC where we are, they will have many more opportunities if we move. They have friends here of course - who I will facilitate contact with, and again trains, but they also have friends in my home area as they have attended an extra curricular activity there for over 6 years and have made good friends there.

Perhaps it does seem that I'm focused on myself, and I don't want to appear selfish, but I have pushed myself to continue working to support the DCs lifestyle (their dad pays nothing to me or for their expenses) and being closer to work would be so much less exhausting. I have very little local support where I am and the more my illness progresses, the more I worry about that. I need to be nearer my support network for mine AND DCs sake.

If it were me, I would keep my house, rent it out and pay pil a small rent. If they only have a small mortgage, you can’t very well think you can go off with the whole value after they die, and what if they need it for care home costs?