Biological father on DNA test

[mediumsize]

I would be grateful to hear people's thoughts. I will try to keep it short but it's a bit of a tale. Have NC, I am a regular poster on various topics.

I was brought up by my mum and the man she led me to believe was my father. In fact, I found out as a teenager, by coming across some papers by chance, that he was not my father, but my stepfather, who had adopted me when I was a toddler. I never told her that I knew, my family are the archetypal "brush everything under the carpet" family, and my mother deals incredibly badly with any stress or conflict. It didn’t seem to really matter and I loved my parents and had a happy life so I left it. I have told both my husbands about this but no-one else ever.

Fast forward to having a baby 12 years ago, and then turning 50 a few years after that and I decided to try and find my biological father, just out of interest at this stage of my life. I was able to get the name from the Local Authority who handled the adoption, I found out his address easily on the internet, and wrote him a letter, basically saying that I believed I was his daughter (obv giving my date of birth and my mother’s name) and that if he wanted to contact me I would be interested in chatting to him. I ended by saying that I am a successful and happy person with a good family (I am a senior professional) and I am not looking for money or anything like that, and also that if he did not contact me I would not seek to contact him again, but wished him well.

This was nearly a decade ago and he did not contact me (I still to this day have the same phone number and email address that I gave on the letter). I was disappointed tbh but I just got on with life. I know he is alive (well, he was a couple of years ago anyway, as there was a media article about a person related to him and this showed he was present at a function that was held).

A few weeks ago I did a DNA test. This showed many relatives on my biological father’s side, including his sister (so my aunt) and hundreds of more distant relatives. I can’t contact any of them, can I, having given him the reassurance years ago that I would not contact him? (Public DNA testing was not something available at the time I wrote him the letter, or at least I did not know about it, so it would not have factored into my thinking).

If someone contacted me to tell me another family member of mine had a child they had given up for adoption I probably wouldn’t thank them for it.

.... and I'd be suspicious of their intentions in doing so ?.

@CPL593H

I'm in a similarish situation to you and born early 60s. I was however always told about my birth father. He knew my mother was pregnant (got one of his minions to sack her, apparently) and she said she sent pictures when I was born. I met him once, many years ago. He completely denied everything and I ended up more upset than I thought I would be after this 20 minute exchange. Should say, my mothers relationship with the truth was not without flaws but on balance I think he is my father (strong physical resemblance and his generally shiftiness when confronted)

I know there are 2 half siblings around my age, names, etc but I long ago made the decision I would never try to take this any further. I've used Ancestry to trace his lines quite successfully, but will not do the DNA test. My thinking is that whatever my feelings about him, I don't want to throw a grenade into the lives of people who do not know I exist (I'm very sure of that) and have done me no harm.

There is an unpleasant part of me that derives grim amusement from the belief he will have spent many decades wondering if or when I will pop up again. He cannot have been thrilled by the coming of DNA tests.

I dare you to send a test through the post. "Surprise!" Just to rattle his cage.

@CPL593H That is interesting. I do wonder if (if he knows about me, either because he always did or because he did get my letter) he has watched the rise of popularity of DNA tests with trepidation! I do also actually worry that my parents may be fearful that I will do a DNA test and find out the truth, and that it comes as a bombshell to me. I don't want them to worry about that at this stage in their life. I could of course decide to tell them that I have always known and it is no problem at all etc, but I know these people so well and I have judged that that would be even more disruptive and upseting for them.

@OVienna tempting!

I very much dont want to rattle anyone's cage. I am not as conflict and confrontaion phobic as my mother (she takes it to extremes) but I am still very much that way inclined! (Interestingly, my son is also pretty bad at dealing with any conflict, maybe it is genetic!).

I put my family tree up years ago to find a brother of mine
My dad told me he had a son who he'd never met ...
we found each other, unfortunately they never met and my dad was being a total dick about it .

But I'm glad I did meet him.

So maybe the aunt did something similar? Who knows!

My dad also had another 2 daughters after I was born too
I'd love to find them... I wouldn't mind at all if they contacted me.

My dad was clearly a player. Even though I'm the only child he actually has contact with I really wouldn't mind if they contacted me. I love confronting him with this stuff

[quote CPL593H]@OVienna tempting![/quote]
I have very little sympathy for men who have done what your father did, walk away from your mum in a difficult situation.

There are other stories where the birth father was in his teens and the birth mother never told him and it comes as a genuine shock - these are much murkier for me. Should someone who was effectively a kid at the time and deliberately kept in the dark about the situation have their lives blown up now (if they are married, with families etc.) ?

That said, I think many men do say they 'never knew' but honestly I think the question is more: 'Did you ever have unprotected sex?' Surely they'd remember that.

(And BTW @mediumsize I have never contacted my birth mother's family, I am very much inclined to leave her in peace. I hope she does feel that way.)

I don't know that he "walked away". That is one possibility but there are several others, as has already been discussed. He may not have known she was pregnant. She may have told him she was pregnant but said that she was having an abortion. She may have told him she was pregnant but it wasn't his baby. She may have just told him to get lost. There may have been family pressures from either family.

I am sure there are millions of men who had unprotected sex when they were a teenager who would still be highly surprised to learn nearly 60 years later that they had a child from it. The "fact" that he "must" remember having had unprotected sex in December 1962 (and he may not in fact remember anyway) does not mean he has gone about his life with an active awareness that he may have an unexpected chid pop up one day.

@mediumsize my comment on the walking away was to @CPL593H.

My comment on the unprotected sex also come from more recent stories of these situations I've read about since I had contact with my birth dad.

Oh OK, sorry if I misunderstood...

What comes over really clearly in stories from this era is how many complications and grey areas there are. I think the children of these situations (us) are put in the position of potentially having to protect the feelings of a lot of other people, some of whom don't know we exist, as well as dealing with our own emotions, which can be very conflicted. It isn't easy and I wish everyone who has shared their experiences here happiness, whatever decisions they make re contact.

I think the children of these situations (us) are put in the position of potentially having to protect the feelings of a lot of other people, some of whom don't know we exist, as well as dealing with our own emotions, which can be very conflicted.

Yes. How much we hold and carry is fascinating.

@CPL593H

What comes over really clearly in stories from this era is how many complications and grey areas there are. I think the children of these situations (us) are put in the position of potentially having to protect the feelings of a lot of other people, some of whom don't know we exist, as well as dealing with our own emotions, which can be very conflicted. It isn't easy and I wish everyone who has shared their experiences here happiness, whatever decisions they make re contact.

This, x1000.

Hi OP, I’ve been thinking about you’re post when I read it yesterday and yes I really think you should contact your paternal relatives. It’s got to be a given that if they are registered on this site then they are likely to at least be open minded to being contacted by other relatives .. and positively so ( It’s got to be a risk to anyone on dna sites that they may find themselves being contacted by people they were unaware of in their family !?) You don’t know the full details of your adoption and it maybe that wider family like your aunt or cousins would be delighted to hear from you and share their family stories and history with you. If not they will tell you and I think from your post you would be able to understand their decision without being too hurt so go for it. You may also find out the answer as to why your birth father never responded, in 10 years a lot will have changed in people’s lives. xxx

I have messaged one cousin on Ancestry, as I mentioned upthread. He and I are both decended from a part of the family with a very large amount of descendants, so he wont be able to pinpoint my position in the family tree. I am waiting to see if he responds.

Good luck OP, it’s your right too to know your own identity xxx

Good luck OP. I’m sure the curiosity is strong.

@mediumsize

I have messaged one cousin on Ancestry, as I mentioned upthread. He and I are both decended from a part of the family with a very large amount of descendants, so he wont be able to pinpoint my position in the family tree. I am waiting to see if he responds.

If that were me and you told me you’d taken my information and photos from my tree I wouldn‘t be responding to you. It’s incredibly rude to take all that information without asking and, for all you know, half of it could be wrong. This is NOT how you ‘do’ family history.

Don’t be surprised if he doesn't respond and if he does, consider yourself extremely lucky.

OP - I do not have an answer to your dilemma. Do you have a right to know who your father was/is then I would say yes.

My Dad died just weeks after we did his DNA and it was really obvious that his ancestry /ethnicity was not what he believed. I would love to be contacted by one of his "real" relatives but realise that is unlikley. Everyone in Scandi / please do your DNA?

If that were me and you told me you’d taken my information and photos from my tree I wouldn‘t be responding to you. It’s incredibly rude to take all that information without asking and, for all you know, half of it could be wrong. This is NOT how you ‘do’ family history.

Like it not (and I've had my difficulties with this) this is what people sign up to when they make their tree public - to share information, records and photos. It IS how Ancestry works.

Adoptee here. I have made a conscious decision not to engage with my birth family. I would be absolutely RAGING if anyone i.e. her subsequent children attempted to contact my children via a DNA site.

Families are about more than blood.

You shouldn't OP.

My situation was not enormously dissimilar. Father left not long after I was born and cut off contact soon after. I knew who he was but there was no contact although I reached out a couple of times having found out where he worked when I was an adult. I eventually tracked down other family and contacted them and although it took a while they welcomed me into the family and we are incredibly close. My father eventually reached out and we are also very close now. Not a very typical experience I know but they have all added enormous richness to my life.