Biological father on DNA test

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I would be grateful to hear people's thoughts. I will try to keep it short but it's a bit of a tale. Have NC, I am a regular poster on various topics.

I was brought up by my mum and the man she led me to believe was my father. In fact, I found out as a teenager, by coming across some papers by chance, that he was not my father, but my stepfather, who had adopted me when I was a toddler. I never told her that I knew, my family are the archetypal "brush everything under the carpet" family, and my mother deals incredibly badly with any stress or conflict. It didn’t seem to really matter and I loved my parents and had a happy life so I left it. I have told both my husbands about this but no-one else ever.

Fast forward to having a baby 12 years ago, and then turning 50 a few years after that and I decided to try and find my biological father, just out of interest at this stage of my life. I was able to get the name from the Local Authority who handled the adoption, I found out his address easily on the internet, and wrote him a letter, basically saying that I believed I was his daughter (obv giving my date of birth and my mother’s name) and that if he wanted to contact me I would be interested in chatting to him. I ended by saying that I am a successful and happy person with a good family (I am a senior professional) and I am not looking for money or anything like that, and also that if he did not contact me I would not seek to contact him again, but wished him well.

This was nearly a decade ago and he did not contact me (I still to this day have the same phone number and email address that I gave on the letter). I was disappointed tbh but I just got on with life. I know he is alive (well, he was a couple of years ago anyway, as there was a media article about a person related to him and this showed he was present at a function that was held).

A few weeks ago I did a DNA test. This showed many relatives on my biological father’s side, including his sister (so my aunt) and hundreds of more distant relatives. I can’t contact any of them, can I, having given him the reassurance years ago that I would not contact him? (Public DNA testing was not something available at the time I wrote him the letter, or at least I did not know about it, so it would not have factored into my thinking).

You cannot know, and my belief is that all of us, including your biological father, have a right to privacy and no contact. I always respect anyone's decision not be in contact at any time.

However, you also have a right to get in touch with these people. Be truthful, "Hello, I'm researching family history, and looking at descendants of Mary Smith (b 1916) and John Brown (b 1917). I love to see a photo or learn a bit about their life".

He will probably want to know who you are and where you fit on his tree. Again, be honest, "Look to be honest, I think my paternity is a secret. It may cause problems for my biological dad and his family. This is certainly not my intention and I do not want to hurt anyone. Therefore I would would ask for you discretion in this matter. I would just love to hear about X, Y and Z"

Your adoption was half a century ago
So many adoptions at that time and unplanned pregnancies.
You probably are not the only one!
Contact the one research ing the family tree

@Ubiquery That actually sounds like a good idea. I would love to know more about these people, they are from a place/ethnicity/culture I never had an inkling I had any connection to and is is fascinating to me that I am related to them! My paternal tree is set to private and my DNA is not connected to it (so can't produce Thrulines), so he would not be able to see exactly who am related to, will he?

My paternal tree is set to private and my DNA is not connected to it (so can't produce Thrulines), so he would not be able to see exactly who am related to, will he?

Ensure that your paternal tree is set to both private and unsearchable. Another thing you may want to consider is having a family history tree (with all sorts of photos and records and branches) and a DNA tree (that just has direct ancestors - grandparents, great grandparents etc.). Having all of these surnames is helpful for identifying clues to how you are related to DNA matches. Just use "father" and "mothers" for your biological parents to provide a bit of cover.

Sorry, I didn't quote your post clearly.

HeartsAndClubs
This child knows we exist - she lived with her mother and my brother for about 3 years. We have all met her and my sister is still in contact with her mum. My brother even proposed to her mother at one point. Its they had an on and off relationship and a one night stand when she had left her husband and then went back to him and when she realised she was pregnant must have pretended the baby was her husband's. By the user name we think the husband checked out her biological family. We are not sure if she knows he is not her dad or not. If she doesn't know she won't come looking for anyone.

Thanks @Ubiquery

I have sent him the following:

Hi, I am researching family history and looking into the X family, specifically the children of John X and Mary Y. I have got a great deal of information from your wonderful tree, including all the pictures you have put up, and thank you so much for that! If you have any more information about this interesting family I wonder if you would be prepared to share it with me? I will be honest upfront, I do not feel I can tell you exactly how I am related to them (and to you) as my paternity is a secret (possibly even to my biological father, I don't know if he even knows I exist, and even if he does, his family may not). I have no wish to cause any harm or upset to anyone

BTW, "John X and Mary Y" had twelve surviving children, all of whom procreated, so it is not going to be evident which one I am descnded from.

(As an aside, how on earth did women do this in those days! Mary had her first at 17 and her last at 46, imagine the flak she would get on Mumsnet today!).

Maybe he genuinely didn't get your email...
Just a thought.
Some important ones I have been waiting for have ended up in Spam and deleted!!

I think that message is perfect. And well done OP, none of this is easy, is it?

The number of pregnancies that some women had is astounding. I've also got some ancestors with impressive husband scores too.

How active is your contact on Ancestry? Is there a good chance they're still subscribed?

@Ubiquery He is on almost every day, it says, so he is sure to see the message. I think he is a retired guy who spends a lot of time on genealogy! Let's see what happens, thanks so much for the suggestion.

@Santaischeckinglists it was a letter in the post, not an email. I suppose it may have gone astray but that is not that common.

@mediumsize

It would be perfectly in character for my mother to have kept it secret from him that she was pregnant, she has been an inveterate secret-keeper all her life (not just about my paternity, in many things, she just cannot handle one scintilla of conflict or confrontation).

She may have been the one who walked away and maybe with good reason. He might have been someone she didn't want to influence her baby, the whole relationship might have been a bad mistake, coercion or even rape might have been involved.

@CaptainMyCaptain yes, you are right, any of those may have been the case. I have no idea what the relationship was. Just that they were both 18 when she fell pregnant, and she knew his full name (first, middle and surname) so probably more than a one night stand.

His family background is not that similar to hers (different social classes, and racial differences, which would have meant more then, we are talking England in the early 1960s) so that also may have been a factor in families not approving of/allowing the relationship to continue.

Sounds familiar @mediumsize I have been in your mum's position, or similar anyway, and would recommend treading very carefully. I'm sure she had your best interests at heart.

Oh I have always treaded very carefuly with regard to my mother. I found out about my true paternity when I was just 14 and even then I realised I would never tell her that I knew. She had taken such care that I should not know and I never wanted to upset her or my (step)father. If she had wanted me to know she would have told me. I kind of wish she had, but I understand why she didn't. 45 years later she still has no idea that I know. And never will.

I do take quite a bit of comfort from the fact that she did tell the truth to the council about my father's name at least, even if she lied about him having left the country (which as you say, she may have done for good reason).

I do agree that children being given up for adoption 50 years ago was a lot different 50 years ago than it is today.

A lot of young girls were essentially forced to give up their babies, and many had a babies at a time where it was frowned on to be an unmarried parent, and in truth many people from that generation seemed to be very stoic about it compared to how people reveal their feelings now.

And a lot of parents who gave up babies s never went on to tell their subsequent children that they had done so.

I don’t think we can assume that the father here was a bad person or that the OP’s mum was raped etc. They were 18 in a time when falling pregnant as an unmarried teenager was very definitely frowned on by society. She then went on to marry the OP’s stepfather, and it stands to reason that she would have wanted her husband to be the father of the baby she had outside of wedlock.

It’s not uncommon now for people to find out in their 60’s/70’s that they had older siblings who were given up for adoption at birth, sometimes without the ability to know anything about them, and after the death of the parent who would be in a position to have told them the truth their whole lives.

@mediumsize was the first cousin once removed your dad's cousin ? I hope he replies. My Dad found a 4th cousin from doing family history. Not from DNA, he just found she had commented on a website someone else had made who is distantly related. We have chatted to her online and she said she would like to meet us some time. People who do family history might be more receptive to a relationship due to her interest. Maybe he can introduce you to other people he thinks might be receptive to chatting! If they keep it a secret from your bio father ect. He might expect to influence his imediate family but I think it would be a lot for him to demand his cousins don't talk to you. If one of my cousins demanded I didn't talk to their child I would ignore them. It would be none of their business: I don't take orders from cousins.

If you wanna contact your aunt, contact your aunt. It’s a completely separate relationship to your biological father, he doesn’t get a veto on whether or not she can know you exist.

I also think that there is a risk, perhaps not high but still a risk, that he didn’t open the letter. Eg a girlfriend or kid could have opened it and thrown it away to avoid drama. (I open all of DH’s mail, he asks me to as he travels a lot and when home never bothers with mail, or loses it 🙄 so I’m basically his secretary.)

Maybe register with family history sites like Ancestry.com and tick that you’re happy to be contacted by relatives / reach out to people you find there.

Maybe register with family history sites like Ancestry.com and tick that you’re happy to be contacted by relatives / reach out to people you find there.

These people are your relatives and i think that you are perfectly entitled to contact them, as long as you can accept the possibility that they might not want to know you. As pp said, when you do a dna test and join a site like that you know it can throw up all sorts of surprises. I recently found long lost relatives of my mum and it meant so much to her, luckily they were thrilled at the contact, so it was all good. Go for it i say!

I agree that you're entitled to contact your paternal relatives and that to do so wouldn't be breaking the promise you made to your biological father in that letter years ago.

Moreover, if he read your letter and decided he doesn't want to know then pp is right - he can't control you & his other relatives from having a relationship. If something kicks off, then that would be on him, not you.

If he didn't read your letter well then, all is for grabs and it may turn out wonderfully.

I really wanted to urge you to speak to your mum and dad in the first instance however. I've since read that peaking to your mum about it is a no-go for you, which I understand. Relationships are complicated. I would still suggest you think about it again though, maybe test the water. She might surprise you, she also might be able to give you the answers you seek.

For the people who have said it is unacceptable/wrong to contact his family, surely there are some more distant ones it would be ok to contact? Like a second third or fourth cousin? Or do the people sayinv don't contact his family mean anyone he shares any DNA with? I enjoy family history would be happy to hear from a second cousin. It would not blow my world apart to find one of my parents cousins had a kid I didn't know about. I don't know all my second cousins anyway, and have met second cousins I didn't know about at funerals.

If they are spread out all over the world it reduces the chances that contacting say a first cousin once removed or a second or third cousin would be dropping a massive bombshell that would cause huge emotional upheaval and upset. It might be different if they all lived in the same small town ! Living all over the globe they may have quite separate lives. If they all lived in one town it might cause issues at the christmas get together or other family events. They are less likely to all meet up regularly if all over the place.

Op I could have pretty much written your post word for word.
My dad adopted me too and I love him dearly but also have this overwhelming urge to know my bio father. I did the same as you, tracked him down around 10 years ago, sent a letter giving my details if he wished to contact me etc and that I wouldn’t contact him again if he didn’t want to and heard nothing. I also did a DNA test but sadly for me it hasnt brought up any close matches.. yet.

I lost my mum last year and despite having my (half) siblings, I feel rather alone in the world which is obviously not true but that’s how I feel. His family live quite local to me and I’m separate to contact them but I’m just too scared.

Anyway, I have no answers but want you to know I know exactly how you feel. If I was braver, I’d contact them but I’m not so I probably won’t xxx

I lost my mum last

[quote mediumsize]@Onebrokentoe I think I may have my notifications set differently! So it is possible then that the aunt may see a notifcaton that she has an unexpected 25% match?

I do not keep my DNA linked to the tree I have made for my father's family (I made a separate tree for my mother's family, which I keep the DNA linked to). So she would see the match but not be able to see the exact relationship.[/quote]

Yes, it's definitely possible she would be notified. My notification email was to the effect 'you have a new 1st/2nd cousin match. Press the link to see the new match'