Biological father on DNA test

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I would be grateful to hear people's thoughts. I will try to keep it short but it's a bit of a tale. Have NC, I am a regular poster on various topics.

I was brought up by my mum and the man she led me to believe was my father. In fact, I found out as a teenager, by coming across some papers by chance, that he was not my father, but my stepfather, who had adopted me when I was a toddler. I never told her that I knew, my family are the archetypal "brush everything under the carpet" family, and my mother deals incredibly badly with any stress or conflict. It didn’t seem to really matter and I loved my parents and had a happy life so I left it. I have told both my husbands about this but no-one else ever.

Fast forward to having a baby 12 years ago, and then turning 50 a few years after that and I decided to try and find my biological father, just out of interest at this stage of my life. I was able to get the name from the Local Authority who handled the adoption, I found out his address easily on the internet, and wrote him a letter, basically saying that I believed I was his daughter (obv giving my date of birth and my mother’s name) and that if he wanted to contact me I would be interested in chatting to him. I ended by saying that I am a successful and happy person with a good family (I am a senior professional) and I am not looking for money or anything like that, and also that if he did not contact me I would not seek to contact him again, but wished him well.

This was nearly a decade ago and he did not contact me (I still to this day have the same phone number and email address that I gave on the letter). I was disappointed tbh but I just got on with life. I know he is alive (well, he was a couple of years ago anyway, as there was a media article about a person related to him and this showed he was present at a function that was held).

A few weeks ago I did a DNA test. This showed many relatives on my biological father’s side, including his sister (so my aunt) and hundreds of more distant relatives. I can’t contact any of them, can I, having given him the reassurance years ago that I would not contact him? (Public DNA testing was not something available at the time I wrote him the letter, or at least I did not know about it, so it would not have factored into my thinking).

OP it seems I am the same age as you and similar circumstances in that my birth mother (who put me up for adoption) told my birth father she might be pregnant and then never contacted him again so he never knew for sure apparently. I found him a couple of years ago and wrote twice, initially he seemed interested but then I've heard no more. I don't understand why it has hurt me so much because 30 years ago I traced my birth mother and she had a similar attitude. That's rankled, but the thing with my father has really knocked me for six. He's 81 now. Just seems sad; I would have loved to have sat down with that man for an hour.

BTW I've got a book "Birth Fathers and their Adoption Experiences" - quite old now - little or no research is done into birth fathers from the 50s, 60s, 70s etc. - but that says that fathers who never knew they had a child were the least likely to engage in any suggested contact, but in those fathers who did know about the child, they often grieved for it, worried about it and hoped to be contacted. You and I seem to fall in the former category.

Don’t understand the thinking here at all

You owe him nothing. Absolutely nothing

If you want to contact your family then do it.

He isn’t in charge of them and their relationships. If he wants to turn his back on you then that’s his problem but all those people signed up to that dna thing because they wanted to reach out to family… like you did

So why exactly do you feel any sense of obligation for this man who did less than nothing for you?

And if it drops him in the shit then he should not have been a pathetic lying shit bag. Consequences of his own actions.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide yourself

Victim blaming bullshit

@SomePosters a pathetic lying shitbag? That is very rude, maybe remember you are actually talking about my father, who may well have had no idea I existed.

A friend of mine’s father contacted his estranged father and had no reply but my friend (so the granddaughter) persisted and now they’re very much in touch. No harm in trying to contact him again, maybe say you don’t know if he got your letter before etc.
I would say though that the difficult part of this is not what he wants but your mum. If he does respond, how are you going to keep that secret from her? You need to be honest with her now because he could well be respecting her wishes.

I am not ever going to be saying anything to my mum. She lives on another continent, she is old and not in the best of health, and I have kept it secret from her that I know about this for over 45 years.

I promised him when I wrote to him that I would not contact him again, so I won't. Saying I "don't owe him anything" is not the point. We all owe each other the courtesy of not unnecessarily causing harm.

I like the cut of your jib OP.

I think your attitude towards your undertaking not tomcintact him or his family is admirable.

It is however a nearly a decade since you wrote, and I for one wouldn't fault you if you wrote once more, stating that you wrote a decade ago, that your email and phone numbers remain the same, and will,do in case he ever changes his mind.

He will know from the decade of silence that you are unlikely to bring difficulty to his door. If he was prevented from answering rather than choosing not to (letter missed, was lost/damaged, opened by someone else, his reply was lost in the post - all the unlikely but possible things) then this gives him a second go. If he still doesn't answer, you havent lost anything

I am notified by email of new anchestry matches.
I think I would attempt contact via the site. But I think you probably need to just say the circs and invite contact.

I don't think you owe it to him to honour what you said in a letter ten years ago!

But, I would wonder if the reason your mother BURIED it might be because he took advantage of her as they used to say and perhaps his inability to respond was guilt, shame, fear..........

on a different subject, my daughter is apparently 26% scottish but it didn't tell her what clan! is that information available? we are Irish so was surprised by the 26% scottish.

You shouldn’t read too much in to the ethnicity. I think all the clan stuff is popular with the Americans, but there’s not much science behind it.

Hi OP. I have been in a similar situation. There is no right answer - as an adoptee, I feel that it is your right to have answers about your past. My adoption agency also had my birth father's name but when we connected he claimed he didn't know anything about it. I am a similar vintage to you, in terms of age (Baby Scoop era).

However, I very much agree with a previous poster that shows like Long Lost Family really don't provide a good representation of all the possible "nuance" around reunions that can go on. I guess they can't in the hour but it does create a picture of things always going well. (I think it would be more responsible to show stories, at least from time to time, that haven't gone well.) I am in a lot of NPE/Adoptee/DNA groups online and the results are pretty mixed.

If you've had your own children - the closest thing I'd compare it to is a Birth Plan. At least with mine, they went out the window after the first contraction. A similar 'plan' to interact with birth family could result in an immediate change of course after the first call/email etc. Be ready for your feelings to shift entirely and continue to shift during the interaction.

Lots of people in these groups online will advise you to think only of your needs and rights here and reach out to anyone and everyone in the birth family (effectively until you get the answer you want.) This hasn't been my approach, I don't feel it is a good basis for a long term relationship.

My interaction with my birth father showed me that what I wanted was answers about my past in order to gain closure/feel in control about my personal history as opposed to mysterious others being in that position. I wasn't really looking for an ongoing relationship, certainly not one that replaced my parents and my whole 'lived experience' of life in my family. I did assume that I'd encounter someone happy to give me medical information, for example, and not much more. When there was an interest in 'more' it was very stressful to manage.

I'd advise some counselling before you get too deeply into it, with someone who has some expertise in this area. I wish I had done that.

Good luck!

With respect, he’s your father in blood only; there’s no emotional or social connection between you. Same for the rest of his family. They might be your blood relatives but they are still just strangers. You need to be realistic with your expectations and what you hope to gain from this. If it’s just to learn a bit of history, great, but I hope you’re not expecting some grand family reunion because it probably won’t happen. And if it is just for the history, is it worth potentially upsetting a lot of people over? Your letter probably did reach its intended recipient (what are the chances of it getting lost in the post, really?) who decided not to do anything about it.

Your dad is the man who adopted you and brought you up as his own. Now you’re calling him your ‘stepfather’ and pining after a man you’ve never met and whose absence speaks volumes. I hope your parents don’t suffer any fallout from this after they’ve taken so much care to ensure you didn’t find out because it may be very hurtful to them, and you may well discover that there was a very good reason for all the secrecy.

@CaptainCabinets, has that been your experience in a similar situation of upbringing and discovering mis-attributed parentage? It hasn’t been mine and it may not be the OP’s.

@Ubiquery

You shouldn’t read too much in to the ethnicity. I think all the clan stuff is popular with the Americans, but there’s not much science behind it.

Actually, never mind the DNA, my Dad's mother's surname was McKenzie before she got married so............

Just wanted to say that I hope you received a reply from the message you sent OP.
My father also did not know who his biological father was. My grandmother was a teenager and when fell pregnant the man apparently moved away quickly as he was married and never contacted her again. I don't know any other circumstances but I he was a much older man.

But about 5 years ago my father was contacted by someone who thought they may be related. Their grandfather (my dads father) had at some point in his old age before he died been talking about this other baby and they were able to get enough information from him and then subsequent people who knew him, details of my grandmother and ultimately my father.

It turns out they ARE related and the person who contacted was the child of my dads half sibling, so a nephew, and only about 10 years younger than my dad which also ties in with his dad being alot older and already having a family with older children.
Long story short, the nephew was delighted to find my dad and our family and they met up soon after. They live the other side of the world though! My mum and dad, travelled there and met all of the extended family, and said they all so warm and welcoming and have formed wonderful relationships with alot of them. They write to each other often, and some phone calls. I can't recall how many family members there are, but alot! And the whole biological dad scandal was not an issue, there was no bad blood or awkwardness from anyone, as it was done many years ago and none were directly involved with it. Everyone was just so pleased to find each other as family.

The nephews father, had also passed away, so I think that was why it was alot easier, as I think the nephew only started seriously searching after his father passed.

So my point is, although you didn't hear from your father directly, there may well be other family members who would be delighted to find out about you.

my Dad's mother's surname was McKenzie before she got married so............

There you go. Wear with pride.

I think some people are misunderstanding my motivations. I am not "pining for" my biological father and I very much consider my (biologically speaking) stepfather to be my father. I love him very dearly. To the extent that I never wanted him to know that I knew he was not my father, in case it hurt him, and I kept this secret my whole life from the age of 14. I also have no particular interest in family reunions or gaining new relatives.

I just have some curiosity about my background, which is pretty normal. When I wrote to my father years ago it was with the intention of learning more about my family and cultural background/ethnicity etc, not trying to force relationships or rock anyone's boat. Well, I didn't get that then, but now with DNA testing I have lots of very interesting information. And one particlar branch of the family especially piqued my interest as their heritage is not something I knew I had within me! My interest is in the genealogy, not in bothering people, or trying to make relationships with people I don't know.

Finding out that my direct line paternal relatives all lived to be very old has also been a nice bonus!

PS re the tartan, I am a Macdonald on both my mother's and father's side, if you go back far enough! I didn't know that before.

You owe him nothing

Quite the reverse in fact.

And if he is the kind of person who either hasn’t or wouldn’t tell his family about you then he deserves to be called to a pathetic lying shit bag

Why are you trying to protect him from the consequences of his own actions?

That’s your family. If you want them in your life reach out.

He doesn’t get to be the gatekeeper of them.

@SomePosters I am thinking you have not read my posts. He may very well never have known my mother was pregnant. She may not have told him. Or maybe she told him that she had an abortion so she could end the relationship for whatever reason, and he would not stay in her life. As I have said, this was England in the 60s and they came from very different social backgounds, even different racial heritage as I now know, who knows what the situation was. I do owe him something, the way I owe every other human being on the planet something, and this is not to harm people unnecessarily.

@mediumsize

I think some people are misunderstanding my motivations. I am not "pining for" my biological father and I very much consider my (biologically speaking) stepfather to be my father. I love him very dearly. To the extent that I never wanted him to know that I knew he was not my father, in case it hurt him, and I kept this secret my whole life from the age of 14. I also have no particular interest in family reunions or gaining new relatives.

I just have some curiosity about my background, which is pretty normal. When I wrote to my father years ago it was with the intention of learning more about my family and cultural background/ethnicity etc, not trying to force relationships or rock anyone's boat. Well, I didn't get that then, but now with DNA testing I have lots of very interesting information. And one particlar branch of the family especially piqued my interest as their heritage is not something I knew I had within me! My interest is in the genealogy, not in bothering people, or trying to make relationships with people I don't know.

Finding out that my direct line paternal relatives all lived to be very old has also been a nice bonus!

PS re the tartan, I am a Macdonald on both my mother's and father's side, if you go back far enough! I didn't know that before.

HI there. I personally didn't think you were pining for him. I wasn't pining for mine either. But I was shocked the whole impact the situation had on me (I thought I was mentally ready) when our expectations were completely different. I sort of slept-walked into it.

I'm in a similarish situation to you and born early 60s. I was however always told about my birth father. He knew my mother was pregnant (got one of his minions to sack her, apparently) and she said she sent pictures when I was born. I met him once, many years ago. He completely denied everything and I ended up more upset than I thought I would be after this 20 minute exchange. Should say, my mothers relationship with the truth was not without flaws but on balance I think he is my father (strong physical resemblance and his generally shiftiness when confronted)

I know there are 2 half siblings around my age, names, etc but I long ago made the decision I would never try to take this any further. I've used Ancestry to trace his lines quite successfully, but will not do the DNA test. My thinking is that whatever my feelings about him, I don't want to throw a grenade into the lives of people who do not know I exist (I'm very sure of that) and have done me no harm.

There is an unpleasant part of me that derives grim amusement from the belief he will have spent many decades wondering if or when I will pop up again. He cannot have been thrilled by the coming of DNA tests.

My adopted nephew had a biological mother who was clear from the start she wanted nothing to do with him. After doing Ancestry found a bunch of relatives and was contacted by them - they did not know she had been pregnant, she was estranged from them and had not told them. He now has a bunch more people in his life and is grateful.
For myself, when my step mother convinced my father to kick me out at age 13, I lost touch with his family. Got in touch with them as an adult and found that they had been furious with him and had not talked to him until that marriage broke down. It was quite healing to hear that they had cared. We got some information on each other, but have not stayed in touch - too much water under the bridge though. I am glad I did it though. I guess i would say go for it, you don't owe him anything.