Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The first poster is the angriest or nastiest

59 replies

wobblywinelover · 25/11/2021 01:32

I know i've given the answer to the question already, but does anyone else find that on any mumsnet thread in response to a question however innocent it is there tends to be someone jumping in with a nasty judgemental unhelpful response.. like they were dying to see a thread they could be nasty on next kind of thing? It always seems to be on the first couple of responses. It's a pattern on here i've noticed. Then it tends to be a few neutral posters, then someone finally with a bit of empathy, a bit of to and fro which is normal. . There often seems to be a massive debate or argument about seemingly innocent things. Has anyone else noticed this? I'm expecting so many responses now saying i'm insecure, this is mumsnet etc, what did you expect, you are massively overthinking etc, the usual responses. Really weird I think

OP posts:
Hoesbeforebroes · 25/11/2021 01:37

I've noticed it too, and often they're so quick to stick the boot in they completely misinterpret the OP or miss some glaringly obvious information in the post, and just end up making themselves look really stupid.

Anordinarymum · 25/11/2021 01:41

I always think the posters who are judgemental and unkind must be either doing it on purpose for the laugh or they are in some kind of unhappy situation for them to be so narrow minded and thoughtless.

I would never respond to the negative posts as it won't end well.

Original poster
wobblywinelover · 25/11/2021 01:47

Agree with you both so far and relieved it hasn't happened so far, maybe there's a lot of trolls?

OP posts:
MarbleQueen · 25/11/2021 01:51

I think some people are so eager to be horrible they don’t even bother reading things properly.

Original poster
wobblywinelover · 25/11/2021 01:57

@MarbleQueen

I think some people are so eager to be horrible they don’t even bother reading things properly.
This is my feeling too
OP posts:
SilverDragonfly1 · 25/11/2021 07:10

@MarbleQueen

I think some people are so eager to be horrible they don’t even bother reading things properly.
Yes, this.

It doesn't seem to make a difference how open and shut the first post is - you could post 'AIBU to think the police should not have teargassed me and beaten me to the ground for crossing the road without using the zebra crossing?' and the first poster would say 'You were obviously asking for it, maybe try not swearing and kicking police officers and carrying a gun? Hope SS come for your kids quickly!'

BrightYellowDaffodil · 25/11/2021 07:12

Replies are like making pancakes: the first one doesn’t count!

freelions · 25/11/2021 07:13

Yes, I've noticed this too. In any AIBU or post asking for advice there is invariably a response within the first 6 replies which gives terrible advice and/or tears a strip off the OP

FreeBritnee · 25/11/2021 07:13

Someone wrote once Thant the first poster sets the tone for all other replies. I thought that was very well observed.

Meatshake · 25/11/2021 07:16

Or they'll latch on to something irrelevant and do a deconstruction of the poster's grammar and idioms and colloquialisms and end up with a comment like...

"Umm you said KIDS instead of children. Who does that? That's so weird. Is it a working class thing? I bet you're working class OP. Amirite, guys? I bet she doesn't even shop at Waitrose!"

SusannaQueen · 25/11/2021 07:16

I tend to think there's almost a consensus that follows after the first reply. If the first reply is negative others then pile on and stick the boot in. But the same query could be posted another day and if the first post is helpful, others will be too, then the occasional spiteful reply gets buried.
Sometimes people almost seem to make up what they've read in the original post, I'm sure there are people who do this deliberately.

ineedsun · 25/11/2021 07:23

Aww, am I the only person who expected to open this thread and see the first response being totally OTT angry and nasty as a joke?

TroysMammy · 25/11/2021 07:24

Yes, usually the first reply is "you don't seem to like them much". Probably making the OP feel bad because they dared to use an anonymous online forum to get their head around someone's disagreeable behaviours and not necessarily the person.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 25/11/2021 07:25

I was really hoping the first reply on this thread would be 'No, they fucking aren't. What a fucking stupid thing to say!' or similar Grin.

I don't think it's always the first poster but I agree that on any popular thread, sooner or later a goady or angry type pops up.

dontwannasaymyjob · 25/11/2021 07:32

Hehe!
I don't think it's the first person as that's about timing when the thread shows up to who sees it. Some first replies are really supportive. It comes in waves as someone else may post and turn the tide.

It does set the tone, but you're right- there's always someone mean who can't wait to nitpick misinterpret and be vicious to OP. I wonder if it is an outlet for them, what they can't say to the people they're really angry with (for different reasons) in real life? Or they're just horrid personalities with a nasty side.

It's sad as it puts people off posting or chases OP away from their own thread. When most of MN are lovely and supportive and offer so much help and peer support.

Silvercatowner · 25/11/2021 07:38

@FreeBritnee

Someone wrote once Thant the first poster sets the tone for all other replies. I thought that was very well observed.
Yes I've noticed this time and time again. And then another poster will come along commenting "I think you are getting a hard time OP".
JustLyra · 25/11/2021 07:45

@MarbleQueen

I think some people are so eager to be horrible they don’t even bother reading things properly.
This is so true.

There’s one poster in particular (they were downright nasty in a thread I posted a couple of years ago so I tend to notice their posts) who I’ve seen say almost the exact opposite on two very, very similar threads. Both times they were putting the boot into the OP.
I’m pretty sure if someone posted saying “It’s Thursday today” they’d find a way to disagree and have a pop.

Rummikub · 25/11/2021 07:47

@FreeBritnee

Someone wrote once Thant the first poster sets the tone for all other replies. I thought that was very well observed.
Yes I agree with this.

And posters that don’t read the thread..

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 25/11/2021 07:49

What gets me possibly more is the disregard for any basic level of reading comprehension. I feel like I’m trapped in a year 2 class at times, where the children have not developed the ability yet to interpret what they read but magically have the ability to write at length. It’s deliberate, a disregard for the need to focus on any details, as otherwise the posters have perfectly normal literacy skills.

I had a post recently where someone went on and on criticising post after post and then admitted they had misunderstood wildly. Every other poster found it easy to grasp, it was written pretty plainly, yet in their eagerness to criticise and get annoyed they’d just imagined an entirely new situation.

It just really bugs me the reactions when the OP over and over explains the same basic things whilst angry posters make up unrelated posts. Eg ‘my son has never been in trouble at school before’, cue a million posts about how no one can learn around him with his constant behaviour problems and the school is justified in coming down hard on persistent behaviour issues like his.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/11/2021 07:53

@TroysMammy

Yes, usually the first reply is "you don't seem to like them much". Probably making the OP feel bad because they dared to use an anonymous online forum to get their head around someone's disagreeable behaviours and not necessarily the person.
Yes this.

Also "she's not a friend", whenever there's any evidence of any disagreement with a friend.

ie

OP: "my friend hasn't responded to a text message from two days ago and I've got the hump about it."

MN: "She's not your friend. Block, deleted, move on."

It's so melodramatically hardline its ridiculous. All of my friendships would have died a death by now if I had to cancel people because they were late responding to a text message.

cherrytree63 · 25/11/2021 07:53

Yes I've seen it a lot. And also the Chinese whispers evolution, one poster completely misinterprets something from the OP, then the following posters add there bit on, until it goes from OP "my neighbour puts her rubbish in my bin" to "you should let her and stop moaning" to "buy her a spa day" to "I think you should leave your husband so he can be happy".

OhGiveUp · 25/11/2021 07:59

I've noticed that posters who post about struggling with something domestic related tend to get the most of the vitriol.
For example...
My DP is in hospital recovering from having both his legs amputated two days ago.
We have 18 month old twins and I'm 7 months pregnant. I'm really struggling to keep on top of everything. I have no family or friends to help and I don't drive so it's a struggle to visit him on public transport with the kids. AIBU to just visit him twice a week?

The responses vary from
learn to drive,.
why did you have kids with this man?
Why did you have here kids, don't you care about the planet?
So he gets to lay in bed while you do everything, he's a selfish prick! Can't you ask someone to take you / look after the kids?
And of course...LTB.

TulipCat · 25/11/2021 08:03

It's really irritating when people jump in with their criticism without reading the OP. Prime examples are with children's school years, eg "I am preparing my Year 5 son for 11+ exams. He does half an hour a day, is that about right?" and someone immediately jumps in with "He is 5 years old FGS, how dare you pressure such a young child" 🤦‍♀️

PicassoInAtoolbox · 25/11/2021 08:03

I rarely if ever start a thread these days, unless it's on a totally non emotional issue like quilting or something. I started a couple of threads in the past and some of the posters really put the boot in. It was so bizarre, like a sport; they twisted things, misrepresented what I'd said and filled in the gaps with their own made up narrative. Then if you try to put them straight you're "drip feeding". And yes, it was as you observed OP, in the first few replies, then some balance was restored. one poster even claimed someone who posted supporting me was actually me with a name change - more proof of how weird I am. They did eventually apologise to the other poster, but not to me.

AuntieStella · 25/11/2021 08:05

We used to have a 'you're all bitches' troll.

Not saying that OP isna reincarnation, but there was a definite agenda then to stop women being frank. We were meant to be nice and kind all the time.

I think it would be utterly wrong if MN went in that direction. Women absolutely need an escape from the perpetual pressure to be nice.

If you think a poster has gone too far, then take it up on the thread in question. If it's gone far too far, the report it.

But denigrating MN, or rather a few unspecified posts on MN, also goes too far. And we know from history that there is at least one troll who gets off on this sort of thing, and probably many others who enjoy seeing women limit their range of expression