The first poster is the angriest or nastiest

[wobblywinelover]

I know i've given the answer to the question already, but does anyone else find that on any mumsnet thread in response to a question however innocent it is there tends to be someone jumping in with a nasty judgemental unhelpful response.. like they were dying to see a thread they could be nasty on next kind of thing? It always seems to be on the first couple of responses. It's a pattern on here i've noticed. Then it tends to be a few neutral posters, then someone finally with a bit of empathy, a bit of to and fro which is normal. . There often seems to be a massive debate or argument about seemingly innocent things. Has anyone else noticed this? I'm expecting so many responses now saying i'm insecure, this is mumsnet etc, what did you expect, you are massively overthinking etc, the usual responses. Really weird I think

@OhGiveUp

I've noticed that posters who post about struggling with something domestic related tend to get the most of the vitriol. For example... My DP is in hospital recovering from having both his legs amputated two days ago. We have 18 month old twins and I'm 7 months pregnant. I'm really struggling to keep on top of everything. I have no family or friends to help and I don't drive so it's a struggle to visit him on public transport with the kids. AIBU to just visit him twice a week?

The responses vary from
learn to drive,.
why did you have kids with this man?
Why did you have here kids, don't you care about the planet?
So he gets to lay in bed while you do everything, he's a selfish prick! Can't you ask someone to take you / look after the kids?
And of course...LTB.

I think the LTB thing is quite specific: a lot of women on MN have been through abusive or generally bad relationships and find it frustrating and a bit triggering to hear other women making excuses for and tiptoeing around shit, no mark men because they haven't reached the inevitable conclusion, which is that they just need to be binned.

It's a bit like watching a pantomime and wanting to shout "It's behind you!". We all know its heading towards LTB except the poster, who is still blinded by romance, and we just want to speed things up towards the inevitable conclusion.

Sometimes that is brusque but it comes from a good (and usually correct) place. Nine times out of ten when people say LTB they are right.

Why did you have kids with this man? on the other hand, is really horrible. It's a stealth way of saying "I'm more attractive/smarter than you and I was better at ensnaring a proper, high quality man".

Yes, you're right. It's particularly bad at night time, I don't know if it's because they know MN won't be watching so closely or it's just people feeling bored on night duty or bad-tempered because they can't sleep.

I agree about the tone being set in the first few threads. I sometimes feel like linking another thread with the same question but a completely opposite response.

Also a derail can happen pretty fast into spelling/grammar, an argument between two posters or nitpicking on a word OP used.

Mostly I think it’s pretty harmless, but hate a pile on of someone that is obviously struggling badly (whether or not others would cope with their 2 year old, friend problem or neighbours)

@FreeBritnee

Someone wrote once Thant the first poster sets the tone for all other replies. I thought that was very well observed.

Yes, but you can turn it round. People tend to be like sheep, but if one or two brave souls put their heads above the parapet and disagree, others start to follow them. As they're usually the ones who have managed to read the OP properly and think it through, with any luck they prevail because the hostile types are so illogical.

It wasn't the first poster but i commented on the dh beard thread the other day and told the tale of my df who got her exdh to wear a paper bag during sex as she hated the beard so much.
"That didn't happen" was the reply from a charming poster.Yes it fucking did actually.People are too nasty and suspicious on here sometimes .

People don't read the posts properly either.
An op can clearly state " please don't suggest xy and z "

First response. "Why don't you try zy and z"

Or "please don't suggest I ltb , I cant right now "

First response. " ltb"

@OhGiveUp

I've noticed that posters who post about struggling with something domestic related tend to get the most of the vitriol. For example... My DP is in hospital recovering from having both his legs amputated two days ago. We have 18 month old twins and I'm 7 months pregnant. I'm really struggling to keep on top of everything. I have no family or friends to help and I don't drive so it's a struggle to visit him on public transport with the kids. AIBU to just visit him twice a week?

The responses vary from
learn to drive,.
why did you have kids with this man?
Why did you have here kids, don't you care about the planet?
So he gets to lay in bed while you do everything, he's a selfish prick! Can't you ask someone to take you / look after the kids?
And of course...LTB.

Yes this!

The learn to drive thing especially annoys me, the issue is urgent and current issue but oh yes you can just have an hour lesson and be legal and then on your way. I commented once that this might help OP in a years time and got a snarky response back saying I was nasty

In fact this happens quite a bit, if you call someone out for being nasty it never ends well. I called out a poster for being really vicious once and then she was like dog with a bone, even to the point she’d follow me to another thread and hassled me there too. I ended up changing my name because I felt hounded. It’s no surprise though that rude people seem to generally have a victim mentality and dish it out but then can’t take it. It’s a shame MN don’t do anything about this.

I have noticed there is always a weird comment in the first few responses but I think that’s just due to averages and the amount of different personalities on here.

It might not be nasty but just contrary such as:

OP: I was just mowed down on the pavement by a cyclist.
Weird post: Cars injure more people than cyclists

This is so common on Twitter too. Like, ok yes but that’s not what we are discussing here, cycling on a pavement is illegal first of all you can’t compare it to a car driving legally on a road.

It’s like they’ve got such a bee in their bonnet about X issue (I.e cyclists Vs drivers) that they just trot out weird soundbytes. Anything to derail the discussion.

Like someone might respond, ‘cycling is good for the environment’ yeah ok… never mind some poor woman has got knocked down by an illegal cyclist but thank you for that weird ecological point. Cars weren’t even mentioned. It’s mad.

There are some very nasty people on here. However, there are also some really lovely people. I think MN has a diverse mix.

The ones that piss me off the most, are the ones that come back later and post the ingenuous, gaslight-y ‘who do you think has been nasty on the thread, OP?’ when the OP questions it.

It really annoys me more than it should, because although the nasty posts don’t clearly call the OP a dick/pathetic/whatever else in black and white, you can quite clearly sense the tone. Especially when you see the username.

I hate the replies that make out like the OP is impossible to understand or just so so weird and out there when, with just the tiniest bit of reading comprehension/ emotional intelligence it’s clear what is going on. There was one recently where the OP clearly had a very abusive family background (said as much) and indications were her husband was either using it against her to make her feel shit or maybe going the same way - honestly did not take any kind of genius code breaker to work that out - cue post after post of ‘what?!!! Lol that’s so weird I can’t even understand what you’re saying lol lol that’s such a weird post, like I couldn’t even BEGIN to understand it hahahahaha’ - ok so you don’t understand it - so either ask questions to clarify or just move the fuck on rather than making a poster talking about very difficult things feel even worse.

I also hate the obsession with ‘drip feeding’. Like if you don’t give every single detail that could possibly be seen as related to the situation (plus several paragraphs that have nothing to do with it but just in case) in the first post, and have to add or clarify something later, then you’re dripfeeding/ clearly lying. That’s just not how conversations work though! And it leads to lots of unnecessary long and detailed OPs that then get met with ‘too long didn’t read’, ‘I couldn’t possibly get through that massive wall of text OP but you sound obsessed/controlling’

I’ve noticed the same, and I think it’s probably not a coincidence - I think there’s a type of poster who spends a lot of their time constantly refreshing AIBU in order to get gratification from posting their next nasty response (which is why they’re usually first). Then more normal people turn up.

Why did you have kids with this man? on the other hand, is really horrible. It's a stealth way of saying "I'm more attractive/smarter than you and I was better at ensnaring a proper, high quality man".

I hate that response for the same reason. It’s also pure misogyny because a) it blames women for male behaviour and b) ignores that realities that women are under time pressure to have kids and abusive men often don’t show their true colours until after kids arrive.

Plus it’s not a useful comment - it’s not as if the OP can hop in a time machine!

I also hate the obsession with ‘drip feeding’. Like if you don’t give every single detail that could possibly be seen as related to the situation (plus several paragraphs that have nothing to do with it but just in case) in the first post, and have to add or clarify something later, then you’re dripfeeding/ clearly lying. That’s just not how conversations work though!

Oh my gosh yes! Imagine you’re meeting someone for the first time and you didn’t give your life story and then next time you meet up you tell them something else and you’re accused of drip feeding/lying. So weird 🤣

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

I was really hoping the first reply on this thread would be 'No, they fucking aren't. What a fucking stupid thing to say!' or similar .

I don't think it's always the first poster but I agree that on any popular thread, sooner or later a goady or angry type pops up.

Not just me then 😂😂

There are some right tricky people on here who seize upon the most innocuous element in a thread and then beat you to death with it. I honestly don't know what their thinking is. Why bother? You can challenge people without being downright nasty and perverse.

I find people are like sheep, if the first post totally disagrees with the OP and lays into them then there will be lots more following aggressively taking the same view (even if unreasonable). It's like that first post gives everyone else permission to lay into the OP and nobody really cares who's right or wrong as long as they can get their dig in.

@Chasingaftermidnight

I’ve noticed the same, and I think it’s probably not a coincidence - I think there’s a type of poster who spends a lot of their time constantly refreshing AIBU in order to get gratification from posting their next nasty response (which is why they’re usually first). Then more normal people turn up.

This has crossed my mind too, I think you're right

It's really irritating when people jump in with their criticism without reading the OP. Prime examples are with children's school years, eg "I am preparing my Year 5 son for 11+ exams. He does half an hour a day, is that about right?" and someone immediately jumps in with "He is 5 years old FGS, how dare you pressure such a young child" 🤦‍♀️

@TulipCat
I understand why, because the "year 1/2/3/4/5/6 "system is not used in a lot of other countries outside the UK. A lot of countries use terms like "grade" or "group".

So that makes the term "my year 5 kid" sound like a kid that is 5 years old 😅 (to a non UK/aussie person I mean) hence the confusion.

I have literally posted on a thread about ‘dated fashion’ that if I saw someone wearing 70s clothes I’d think they were cool as I like 70s fashion and someone has already responded saying they don’t believe me 🤣🤣🤣 Do I just attract these people?!

It's often quicker to fire off a harsh response. If you've read the OP and they've missed some obviously crucial information, or the solution is clear, or they are being hypocritical, why not jump in and say so?

If the problem is more complex or you are concerned for the OP's state of mind it needs a more carefully considered reply. This takes longer than answering "My neighbour wants me to stop blocking them in on their drive but I only do it when my DH's car is already on our drive so I can't park there. AIBU?"

Also, a lot of "angry" or "nasty" responses are nothing of the sort - they're just a straight answer to the situation. Sometimes posters don't want to hear the truth.

There are a looooooot of trolls on Mumsnet

I reckon actual mums are in the minority

Our local mums Facebook group has a recurring problem with teenage boys joining under fake profilea because they think it’s hilarious to wind up mums. Probably something similar here…

You are so right!

Also, a lot of "angry" or "nasty" responses are nothing of the sort - they're just a straight answer to the situation. Sometimes posters don't want to hear the truth.

Spot on. Then you get people coming on and urging you to "be kind".