To reply to school all guns blazing!

[Tinkerbellone]

Sorry this is long. Added background details so I don't have to drip feed.

My DD14 is in year 9. She had a terrible year in Y7. Struggled massively with transition and friendships. Began self harm behaviours. This resulted in absences and below 90% attendance for Y7.

Y8 was some absence but more settled. And school was closed a lot due to covid. Received a letter from school at end of Y8 they were monitoring her absence and I could be fined if medical evidence wasn't provided for any further absences.

Now in Y9. DD is under weekly CAMHS for therapy for emotional regulation (she is suspected ADHD).

She has had 3.5 unauthorised days off so far this year due to self harm and one due to very bad period pains.

I have had a a really snotty letter from school. Threatening me with a fine. (She has had 3.5 days off in a six week rolling period) 0.5 was due to being late because her trousers split.

I am a supportive parent of school. I never criticise school. I don't ring in when she can tackle things her self.

DD is very compliant and well behaved, works hard but does lack the emotional resilience of her peers and is often seeking pastoral support

I'm so upset by this letter. Getting her into school is such a battle. I try my absolute best. I'm a working (part time), single parent. She is one of 4, two of which have autism.

I am so angry that I want to write a real strongly worded letter and send photographs of her self harm, which are nasty; (I record it for camh's) along the lines of 'is this the kind of medical evidence you require!!?'

AIBU in expecting them to make allowances because of her needs or just suck it up and pay the fine?
Or am tired at the end of my tether

(They also spelt her name wrong all the way through the letter, which is a smaller niggle).

I've no experience, but you sound like a wonderful mum advocating for your daughter. I'm a little hot headed, so not the best to suggest it, but YANBU to reply and give school a firm reminder that they are being unhelpful. Best wishes to you and your daughter x

Is she known to the SENCO at school?

It might have been an automatic generated thing?
Maybe give them a call- ours are very understanding.
I understand the challenge of getting them to school. And once they are there- the guilt from know they don't want to be there. All the best with it.

I'm an education welfare officer and have been for 18 years. I would suggest you contact the school and be clear about what the issues affecting her attendance have been. Who is supporting her at school? The school can't fine you, only the local authority can.

@Hellocatshome yes she is. As was her elder sibling so School aren't unaware of the SEN surname

No you are not BU but equally neither are the school. They have to do this. Ring the school or Lea and ask to speak to the EWO - educational welfare officer, explain the situation. There's not much more you can do. I can almost guarantee they won't take it further as it should be marked as medical if she is under camhs. Get her school records changed to show this
I'm so sorry you've been subjected to this and wish you and your daughter the best

Oh I had the same. It really fucked me off.
Especially given that I have totally sacrificed my career to stay home with kids when tbh, when I think the schools should have been open anyway. It massively compromised my earning potential(self employed) .
Our school attendance officer was pretty embarrassed to have sent the letter. In fact, she said she was directed by the local authority to send them out and had queried it herself, but was told it had to be done.
So yadnbu. Send a letter. I’ve sent several. But don’t expect a response (still waiting for mine).
If it’s any consolation, many many parents feel this way after receiving the same sort of letter.

So sorry you're going through this, it sounds like a really difficult situation with your DD. Personally, I'd write the letter, to get it out of my system and organise my thoughts, but not send it just yet. then It might be best to request a meeting with the teacher/ year head / head depending on the set up. It sounds as though a conversation is required to allow for 2 way comms between you and the school to work together and come up with a plan that is suitable for your DD. Good luck xx

Agree with @grafittiartist, it’s an automatically-generated letter. Nothing personal.

The school cannot find you, prosecute you, or do anything.
They would have to go via the attendance team from your LEA with a view to take you to court before there was any possibility of a fine being issued.
The judge would consider all the evidence, and make the decision.
Don't let the school bully and intimidate you.
We're going through vaguely similar bullshit with my son's school at the moment, and it was a member of the LEA team who told me the above.
Is the school an academy by any chance?

“(They also spelt her name wrong all the way through the letter, which is a smaller niggle).”

No experience of the other issues you raised so no sensible comments.

The above would seriously piss me off though, it’s just so damned sloppy.

You sound like an amazing Mum, trying to support your daughter through a difficult time in her life. It must be such a worrying time for you.

I would send the letter to the school, they need to know what your daughter is going through & they are genuine reasons for her absences.

I would also mention the incorrect spelling of her name.

I hope she continues to get the help she needs.

I’m sorry for the stress you are both under.
But - sorry, there’s a but. They haven’t fined you, and “threatened” may be how you felt, but warned of the process is a less dramatic interpretation.

You say 3.5 in a rolling 6 weeks. For most children, that’s a lot. It more than a full day every fortnight. It might not be a lot in your daughter’s circumstances - but it’s enough on a general process level that it should be flagged.

No-one is asking you to send graphic self harm photos in. I would take a deep breath, forget it tonight, put the blazing guns away, and contact them calmly tomorrow.

I have been you more or less twice, I found reading the head of year the riot act spelling out the ramifications of their lack of pastoral support really put a rocket under them and produced a swift change of attitude. They now bend over backwards to support my child.

Previously when I played nicely with DC1 they undermined a very complex situation which is why I changed tack with DC2

Before people judge both kids are high achiever conformist students but have ASD/adhd etc and we’re not well supported, it led to DC1 needing specialist support because of their lack of care

This sounds really tough OP! Honestly, it'll be a box ticking exercise for the school. They just have to follow the protocols regarding absence regardless of reasons (it's rubbish!) and it'll be automatically generated, and just for them to show in the future if anything was to come of it that they communicated with you about the absence.

I know you're in a tough place and really annoyed, but please don't send any photos in to the school. Your DC won't appreciate it, neither will the school and I'm sure you'd regret it!

Definitely contact the Welfare Officer / SENCO and refer the letter to them, saying you are aware of attendance issues however you are supporting your DC however they need to be supported (including staying at home). They should be able to offer advice / help put something on the system for you!

“they also spelt her name wrong all the way through the letter, which is a smaller niggle”

This is the end of the tether stuff, which I understand. It sounds big to say it was wrong ALL the way through, but it’s only ONE mistake. It would be more odd to switch spellings midway through!

She has had 3.5 unauthorised days off so far this year due to self harm and one due to very bad period pains
Why were they unauthorised
If she under camhs
And we're medical?
Get a letter from camhs for school

Ahh thank you everyone. I've had a bath and read your comments and feel calmer.
I'm going to contact school when I'm calmer and not feeling so stressed.

I went for a drive tonight with the Wifi router in my bag because the kids were being lazy lol ...so I could also be a teensy bit hormonal too!

Understandably annoying when you have enough on your plate but this sounds like a stock letter triggered by an attendance management system that hasn't an understanding about your DD's circumstances.. You shouldn't have to but have you called the attendance team for an informal chat?

Hope your DD gets as well as she can soon and keep up the good work.

Good luck.

First thing to do is challenge why the aren't authorising the absences?

If she's self harming it's medical absence. Ask them directly what proof they want of self harm? (Because they won't ask for pictures which is all the proof you can provide)

Tell school you believe the absences are medical and you are self referring to EWO.

The school won't like this because EWO won't pursue absences through court for a child who is receiving support with outside services and suspected as having send.

My ds school wouldn't authorise absence when he was off to attend a GO appointment after attempting harm to end his life. This was because it was due to his bulky pulling a knife on him after they refused to step up and step in and stop it.

I contacted EWO and also inclusion myself and asked for help and referral as I was concerned.

The result was that school were clearly given a rollocking as 2 hours after I called them I had an email from school telling me the days he couldn't attend due to MH they'd send home work and mark him as educated off site.

Neither you nor school are being unreasonable.

3.5 unauthorised days is roughly one day off a fortnight, which would put her attendance below the 96% that's expected. Most schools have a threshold that triggers a letter.

What's her other attendance like? Has she had any more time off that has been authorised? That would also make a difference and lower her attendance rate. I know some students who have had so much authorised absence coded as illness or medical that part of the attendance plan is all absence becomes unauthorised without medical evidence or appointment confirmations.

Equally, you're not unreasonable for wanting school to be aware of the situation and perhaps for some support in place. Going in all guns blazing is unlikely to get the resolution you want.

The school have to chase up attendance because the government force them to.

If you want this to stop, write to your MP.

Hi op. I recently have had letters from the school regarding DDs attendance too. It sounds like there are some similarities with DDs situation and your post. I was so annoyed when I received my 2nd letter but resolved to stay calm when I called the school. They explained to me that the letters automatically go out to anyone below 90% attendance but I'm to basically ignore it as they are aware of DDs circumstances and this is on record. It may be something similar for your own situation

School aren't choosing to send these letters, they have to. Firstly speak to them to ensure the absence is being recorded properly and you are following the correct procedures for reporting absences. Then address what else can be done to enable her to be in school as much as possible.

You do sound like a great, supportive mother. However, to go in all guns blazing is not the right thing to do, the school has to send out these letters. It's not up to them to decide who gets them and who doesn't. Maybe just send them an email to double check that they are fully aware of the situation, and let them know that you obviously know it's a problem too, but at this particular time you are just trying to keep your head above water. Ask for more support from them if you need it too.