To reply to school all guns blazing!

[Tinkerbellone]

Sorry this is long. Added background details so I don't have to drip feed.

My DD14 is in year 9. She had a terrible year in Y7. Struggled massively with transition and friendships. Began self harm behaviours. This resulted in absences and below 90% attendance for Y7.

Y8 was some absence but more settled. And school was closed a lot due to covid. Received a letter from school at end of Y8 they were monitoring her absence and I could be fined if medical evidence wasn't provided for any further absences.

Now in Y9. DD is under weekly CAMHS for therapy for emotional regulation (she is suspected ADHD).

She has had 3.5 unauthorised days off so far this year due to self harm and one due to very bad period pains.

I have had a a really snotty letter from school. Threatening me with a fine. (She has had 3.5 days off in a six week rolling period) 0.5 was due to being late because her trousers split.

I am a supportive parent of school. I never criticise school. I don't ring in when she can tackle things her self.

DD is very compliant and well behaved, works hard but does lack the emotional resilience of her peers and is often seeking pastoral support

I'm so upset by this letter. Getting her into school is such a battle. I try my absolute best. I'm a working (part time), single parent. She is one of 4, two of which have autism.

I am so angry that I want to write a real strongly worded letter and send photographs of her self harm, which are nasty; (I record it for camh's) along the lines of 'is this the kind of medical evidence you require!!?'

AIBU in expecting them to make allowances because of her needs or just suck it up and pay the fine?
Or am tired at the end of my tether

(They also spelt her name wrong all the way through the letter, which is a smaller niggle).

@Tinkerbellone please take a breath, these are automatically generated by your local authority and the school have to send them regardless of the reasons. My dd has a chronic condition and has regular time off for appointments. As long as you can prove the medical appointment the pastoral people at school are aware of the self harm etc then you will not be fined. It is a scare tactic basically for those parents who simply don't give a toss.

Please don't worry!

I get them every half term, and have been known to tear it up in front of dd's headteacher because there is genuine reasons for her absence.

I don’t think they should make allowances for her needs but I do think 3 days off in 6 weeks is not enough to receive a complaint (my DD has had more than that and I’m a teacher).

They do have to be hot on attendance unfortunately.

Are you phoning in the morning to report the absence properly?
As they will be more strict on unauthorised absences.

I would speak to the school but not go in all guns blazing. Remember it’s nothing personal, they are just doing their job else they will get in trouble.

Here is a tip from a long in the tooth mum of three kids with various disabilities in mainstream school - the authorities only care about figures, not about distress to the family, kids ailments - I learnt from another mum just take ill kid in twice a day for their attendance mark, then take them home again. I would literally wait in car park and within five minutes the school were asking me to collect sick kid. I was even threatened with court etc when one kid was injured in school and had a broken ankle and on crutches. So I would drive in present at reception for mark and then take him home again. Honestly after doing the mark in twice a day they never bothered me or took me to court!

I suspect it might be a standard letter triggered for unauthorised absences. Unauthorised means she wasn't approved - ie like holiday. But if she was ill - these are usually recorded as absences. So maybe there has been a mistake? I would query a mistake - or ignore because its threatening a fine not giving you a fine.

I don't understand why these are being recorded as unauthorised absences, they wouldn't be in my school. Ask to see a copy of their attendance policy.

The fact there is only 3 makes me question why they are unauthorised. Are there more absences that are authorised?

Sorry to hear about this OP. Supporting children with mental health issues and additional needs is tough at the best times, but especially so if you are on your own. You really need a school to be in your corner with you, not issuing arbitrary threats.

Having had a child hounded out of school because of attendance issues, despite being under the care of CAMHS for a well documented and long standing condition, I would suggest you strike an assertive and positive tone. I'd be tempted to write back suggesting that this is a good prompt for a meeting to discuss how DDs functional capacity is impacted sometimes by her long standing conditions. Ask for their support to help her participate to the fullest extent possible given her condition, including exploring any modifications to attendance expectations that would be reasonable under the Equality Act.

I trusted the school to do the right thing by my daughter, and didn't expect that a previously highly engaged and hard working pupil would be pressured to leave because of a well documented mental health condition. I was wrong. It was brutal and a further source of trauma.

If positive and assertive don't work, talk to the SN lead Governor or Local Authority SSENDIAS Team. Good luck

@Jacaranda75

Agree with *@grafittiartist*, it’s an automatically-generated letter. Nothing personal.

I am not sure why everyone is excusing rude and aggressive letters on the grounds they are auto-generated. They need to be rewritten. And if you know a child has an underlying health condition, why would you send them out anyway? Total lack of common sense.

But it's not the school that fines, anyway. It's the local authority - at least I thought it was?

It'll be a standard letter.

Does she have any authorised absences? It would be unusual to automatically go for unauthorised if you phoned in.

Here is a copy of the letter. I've blanked out bits that make it identifiable.
I feel better knowing that have to send the letters.
Thank you for all the advice. And yes she has other authorised absences : weekly camhs appointment (which is when she missed her morning mark).

I've read it again and I guess it's not that bad. I maybe need a good nights sleep. Thank you for everyone taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I feel less on my own with it all xxx

School ate obliged to flag up absence. I had one once after my dd had been very ill for several weeks. I ignored it. School knew why she had been away. They flag it because it is a duty and also because high levels of absence generally means poorer outcomes.

@Hercisback yes, any absence I always ring in and follow up with an email. They require medical evidence now. I assume a letter from Dr or screen shot of an drs appointment text.

You're totally right to be annoyed and to stand up for your daughter but please don't send photos of her self harm to her teachers. That would be mortifying for her and an invasion of her medical privacy.

My oldest daughter had anorexia and associated issues throughout secondary school and her total absence must have added up to well over 2 years. It was a private school so no official issue with absence figures but I did have to do quite a lot of advocating. I wouldn't have shown any distressing evidence though, I just don't think that's ok.

DrJakes gives very good advice. You need to be on the front and not back foot with issues like this (I have also learnt this the hard way with my eldest...). These are standard letters. I take a very dispassionate stance, almost as though I am my child's legal advocate (a tip from another mother with DC with SEN) and make sure everything is in writing. Make sure your DC is getting all the support the school can provide (which is very probably more than they are currently receiving).

You say 3.5 in a rolling 6 weeks. For most children, that’s a lot. It more than a full day every fortnight. It might not be a lot in your daughter’s circumstances - but it’s enough on a general process level that it should be flagged.

Oh come on. That’s a stomach bug or a throat infection level of time off. It’s hardly noteworthy really.

@DrJakes

Sorry to hear about this OP. Supporting children with mental health issues and additional needs is tough at the best times, but especially so if you are on your own. You really need a school to be in your corner with you, not issuing arbitrary threats.

Having had a child hounded out of school because of attendance issues, despite being under the care of CAMHS for a well documented and long standing condition, I would suggest you strike an assertive and positive tone. I'd be tempted to write back suggesting that this is a good prompt for a meeting to discuss how DDs functional capacity is impacted sometimes by her long standing conditions. Ask for their support to help her participate to the fullest extent possible given her condition, including exploring any modifications to attendance expectations that would be reasonable under the Equality Act.

I trusted the school to do the right thing by my daughter, and didn't expect that a previously highly engaged and hard working pupil would be pressured to leave because of a well documented mental health condition. I was wrong. It was brutal and a further source of trauma.

If positive and assertive don't work, talk to the SN lead Governor or Local Authority SSENDIAS Team. Good luck

Happened to my eldest too.

I'd ring the school & get the unauthorised absences changed to authorised. No way should you be getting this letter. I'd also arrange to see the SENCO to discuss how they can support DD in school. Get ready to kick arse.

Is your DD awaiting assessment through CAMHS for ADHD & ASD? You already have DC diagnosed ASD so the likelihood of DD being on the spectrum is high & girls present differently to boys, often mask & slip through the net. I could see similarities between your DD & both my DD who are diagnosed ASD. I'd seek out private assessments for ASD & ADHD if you can, as CAMHS takes years.

I am not sure why everyone is excusing rude and aggressive letters on the grounds they are auto-generated. They need to be rewritten. And if you know a child has an underlying health condition, why would you send them out anyway? Total lack of common sense.

I couldn't agree more. Someone should be checking these letters before they are sent out. Someone capable of applying common sense.

I remember an awful case in our local paper a few years ago. A girl in Y11 had died. Some months later her poor parents received a letter from the school to say that because her attendance was below the required level she would not be allowed to attend the school prom.

The school squirmed and tried to blame the IT system, basically she had not been taken off the system and an automated letter identified her as someone whose attendance fell below the level, hence the letter. But someone must have had to put that letter in an envelope, I can't believe her name wasn't recognised and the letter suppressed.

Tinkerbellone I have had similar letters for lateness and absence for my DD, who has also been under CAMHS for low mood/anxiety/self harm. School are well aware, and until this year, (Y10) the SENCO actually arranged for the letters to be blocked, but we have just received one for the first time. I was told that they had to send the letters out now and to just ignore it, so I am. All DDs absences are recorded as medical, and therefore authorised, no matter what the reason. I just tell them I can't get her in today. If you can, I would make sure that they are recording your DDs absences as illness, rather than just absent as these are then classed as authorised.

5Foot5 that is awful. Poor parents :(

Honestly, that level of absence after the last year and a bit isn’t even bad for a child who wasn’t previously having problems. They need to child the hell out and give credit to a child who is obviously trying.

She had 3.5 days unauthorised absence in 6 weeks. Of these:

2x self harm
1x period pain
0.5 because her trousers split.

I'd shrug at what we all know is an automated letter from the council/academy hq and worry about why a split pair of trousers meant your daughter missed half a day of school.

I don't understand why those days off are unauthorised? They all seem to have perfectly valid medical reasons.

@Becles she didnt miss half a day. She came in about 10am after the morning register so wasn't classed as 'late' therefore it looks like she missed half a day.