What do we do? 12 year old.

[nonamenameno]

My niece has lived in our home since birth raised by my parents and me and my Dsis, shes now 12 and turned into an absolute horror from going places without telling us, staying in a friends dad's flat overnight with no adult, never going to school and even watching men do inappropriate things on Instagram!

This weekend her friends stayed over they have written all over the walls, been setting fire to paper and coke cans (my mum didn't realise until I went round) and shes been screaming at my mum when she doesn't get what she wants.

We have spoken to her nicely, threatened her, taken things away she just does not care

What the hell do we do? She has two younger siblings that are effected by her behaviour also!

Does she have a counsellor? I would interpret it as she's acting out... When you say staying at her dad's flat without an adult do you mean just him and her, or she's alone?

@WellLarDeDar it was a friends dad, he went away for the night and they broke in! She has counselling

Increased parental presence and supervision, alongside the support she is getting. Ask for help from social services.

@Nootkah my mum is scared of her at this point shes 60 years old raising 3 kids alone, social worker was meant to come last week but didn't turn up

Is your sis who also lives there her mother?

@Rinoachicken its just my mum and the 3 kids the rest of us have moved out a few years ago, Shes never lived with my sister (her mum)

Poor kid. Stands no chance.

@SheilaWilcox and what is that supposed to mean? Shes been raised in a loving home with her whole family around her, it all went to shit when she started high school and met their wrong group of friends!

I think little children accept their living situation and don’t think too much of it but as they get older they are more aware and maybe have more issues with it. I foster and have known carers have lots of problems with children 12+ who seemed very well adjusted when they were younger. My 12 year old foster son is very insecure of his place in my family and his place within his birth family. I have to have very strict boundaries otherwise he would definitely be out roaming the streets at all hours.

Has your mum let her get away with all sorts for years as she felt a bit sorry for her? If she hasn’t been strict when she was little then it might be harder to implement rules when she’s older, but she definitely needs to. I would say she needs to have a sit down with your niece to go through the house rules and set out what the consequences are if she breaks them. What will get through to her? Loss of phone? Console? TV? Pocket money?

What is her mum doing??

Shes been raised in a loving home with her whole family around her

You said everyone moved out a few years ago. Does her mother have any involvement?

Whatever issues have led to her mum & dad not being around are maybe coming to the surface now and manifesting in these behavioural problems.

Have you talked to school?

It appears she is not being supervised appropriately.

@nimbuscloud

Shes been raised in a loving home with her whole family around her

You said everyone moved out a few years ago. Does her mother have any involvement?

Yes. Something is missing.

Sounds like crap parenting or residual trauma. Or both.

She is hitting a more difficult age anyway, plus she isnt living with parents. She is, of course, going to act out.

What she really needs is firm boundaries reinforced regularly. Along with strong and consequences.

@SheilaWilcox

Poor kid. Stands no chance.

Of all the Mumsnet posts I've read so far this has to be the most unhelpful. It doesn't make much sense either.

Op, I've got no advice except asking for more support. What does your niece say? Is she still communicating? Could you tell her eg that you ve noticed that seems a bit unhappy these days and is anything bothering her?

Firm boundaries. Consequences for breaking rules. Speak to school and get additional support and advice.

12yo is very young. You need to all look after her now. Or it will get far worse.
Shes just a child and shouldnt be out on her own getting up to all sorts.
Inappropriate things? We know what that means and it is a massive danger sign.
You must protect her as she is a child. Stop leaving a well meaning ? but ineffective 60yo woman to ineffectively fail to care for her.

She needs parental locks on devices. Appropriate friends.
To go to school with a good (or better) attitude. She wants to do this. Please remember that.
Clubs - gymnastics, dance, football, guides.
Activities at home: baking, film nights, gaming
Do not let her out at night apart from to clubs which you take her to, and collect.

If you think the above is impossible, which it isnt with a 14 or 16yo no matter a 12yo who is a baby by teen standards then I do fear for this girl.
She will complain at first "its so unfair...i hate you.." but IGNORE this. She"ll thank you for it or at least youll save her from the depths of where this could go.
12yos are actually quite easily brought in line. They like baking (and attention and love).

Maybe she needs her mum? Being brought up by even the most loving gran whilst mum is elsewhere might be fine when you are younger but does tend to cause issues as you reach puberty and try and work it all out.

[quote nonamenameno]@SheilaWilcox and what is that supposed to mean? Shes been raised in a loving home with her whole family around her, it all went to shit when she started high school and met their wrong group of friends![/quote]
In this case, you need to send her to a different school, pronto.

Jesus there are a lot of unhelpful posts on here. Social services need to be more involved, maybe even if you are not there you can help with that aspect and keep chasing them?

Inappropriate posts with
men on Instagram? I really hope that isn't porn or something.....

Goodness me.

Form and strictness is what needs to happen here with serious consequences op. Wish you all the best

In the short term:

• Speak to school, ask for help.
• Speak to social services, ask for help.
• Don’t let her leave the house without a chaperone.
• Restrict phones and electronics.
• Talk talk talk talk talk. Kindly and curiously and all from a place of love and concern for her and how you can help (no blaming, no guilt tripping, no scaring, warning or threatening, no shaming!) She may rant, shout and scream at you, but if you keep trying to get through and keep showing love and concern (and keep up the restrictions) eventually she will cry: at this point you LISTEN to her.

She sounds troubled and likely has things she needs to share, if you can get her to a place where she can share them.

@crystal1717

12yo is very young. You need to all look after her now. Or it will get far worse. Shes just a child and shouldnt be out on her own getting up to all sorts. Inappropriate things? We know what that means and it is a massive danger sign. You must protect her as she is a child. Stop leaving a well meaning ? but ineffective 60yo woman to ineffectively fail to care for her.

She needs parental locks on devices. Appropriate friends.
To go to school with a good (or better) attitude. She wants to do this. Please remember that.
Clubs - gymnastics, dance, football, guides.
Activities at home: baking, film nights, gaming
Do not let her out at night apart from to clubs which you take her to, and collect.

If you think the above is impossible, which it isnt with a 14 or 16yo no matter a 12yo who is a baby by teen standards then I do fear for this girl.
She will complain at first "its so unfair...i hate you.." but IGNORE this. She"ll thank you for it or at least youll save her from the depths of where this could go.
12yos are actually quite easily brought in line. They like baking (and attention and love).

This is good advice

Your mum might need help. Depending on how old she is, it may be hard for her to raise a troubled 12 year old.

In addition to all good suggestions here, could someone give your mum a couple of nights off per week?