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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Victim Blaming

64 replies

Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 14:35

Long time user – NC for this one.

I have a DD17 (18 in 2 weeks). She’s very sensible and hardworking currently doing A Levels. She went to a party on Friday at a friends house. There was alcohol involved, she had a few drinks but wasn’t very drunk – she was home by 12 and didn’t seem overly intoxicated to me.

It transpires that a year 12 boy who was sober and at the party sexually assaulted her (and a couple of other girls from what I gather).

DD reported to the school today, and was told by Head of 6th Form that as she drunk and didn’t fight him off (she froze as was scared) – it’s her fault. Subsequently the school aren’t going to do anything and if she feels it necessary she should report to the police.

However, the boy in question was then told of these allegations and was then seen shaking the hand of the Head of 6th Form.

I’m very cross at the school for victim blaming firstly, and secondly for speaking with the boy in question if they weren’t going to do anything as he now knows she has reported him. Apparently they are calling me later to advise me she was drinking underage…….AIBU to feel this way?!

OP posts:
avvemarriia · 22/11/2021 14:38

I am appalled.

I would report the college to whoever governs them, and report the boy to the police.

Yes she was drinking underage, but 2 weeks from being a legal drinker, and it's irrelevant anyway, being intoxicated doesn't give anybody the right to assault anybody.

stripetop · 22/11/2021 14:38

Well I mean clearly that's not been handled very well. But, why would an incident that occurred out of school be a school matter anyway? Surely the first step should have been the police straight away and they would then have taken matters from there. You could then have updated school as to police process.

avvemarriia · 22/11/2021 14:40

@stripetop

Well I mean clearly that's not been handled very well. But, why would an incident that occurred out of school be a school matter anyway? Surely the first step should have been the police straight away and they would then have taken matters from there. You could then have updated school as to police process.
They have a duty of care for their students, which in this case should have been primarily for the OP daughter.
Finfintytint · 22/11/2021 14:42

A sex assault should be dealt with by the police. Any investigation has already been muddied by the school talking to the boy.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 14:42

So support her in making a police report right now and, if/when the school calls you you can give them the police report number and tell/demand that they pass on any and all infomration they have to the police!

Underage drinking does not mean you deserve to be assaulted and, frankly, any one in a school who used that line would be reported by me, instantly, to the relevant safeguarding lead. Fuckwitted doesn't cover that!

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 14:43

@stripetop

Well I mean clearly that's not been handled very well. But, why would an incident that occurred out of school be a school matter anyway? Surely the first step should have been the police straight away and they would then have taken matters from there. You could then have updated school as to police process.
Because they both go to the same school and it is a safeguarding issue!
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 14:44

@Finfintytint

A sex assault should be dealt with by the police. Any investigation has already been muddied by the school talking to the boy.
That's down to the individual teachers involved. They should have backed off instantly - again a reason to contact the named safeguarding lead.
Original poster
Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 14:44

@stripetop

Well I mean clearly that's not been handled very well. But, why would an incident that occurred out of school be a school matter anyway? Surely the first step should have been the police straight away and they would then have taken matters from there. You could then have updated school as to police process.
My DD went to the Pastoral Support first thing this morning to talk about what happened.

I completely understand if the school can't do anything, but to blame her for not fighting him off and for having a couple of drinks isn't right. They absolutely shouldn't have then put her at further risk by telling the boy she made these allegations if they weren't going to act on them?

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 22/11/2021 14:45

Contact the police as soon as you can. I'm appalled. I hope she is okay.

Rosebel · 22/11/2021 14:45

Disgusting behaviour by the school. A friend of mine reported a boy for something similar and the head told her it was her fault. That was in the 90s and I'd hoped things would have improved by now.
Ask the school why they are concerned about your daughter drinking but not a boy assaulting girls.

Lanique · 22/11/2021 14:45

This happened at my dds' school but with a younger girl and they took it VERY seriously.

Original poster
Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 14:46

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

So support her in making a police report right now and, if/when the school calls you you can give them the police report number and tell/demand that they pass on any and all infomration they have to the police!

Underage drinking does not mean you deserve to be assaulted and, frankly, any one in a school who used that line would be reported by me, instantly, to the relevant safeguarding lead. Fuckwitted doesn't cover that!

Thank you. I will be doing that this afternoon.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/11/2021 14:48

This is disgusting. Similar happened to my cousin and her friends at university and the university responded incredibly poorly. After protests, the offender is no longer a student at the university, but the girls really had to fight.

They have to put up with being sexually assaulted. It's disgusting.
I hope all of the girls go to the police.

Allywill · 22/11/2021 14:51

Absolutely appalling of the school. I really thought we had put this attitude firmly to bed. Not the point but school are wrong on the illegal drinking issue any way - it is not illegal for a for child aged five to 17 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises so if it was a house part - totally legal.

GodIsAVegan · 22/11/2021 14:52

The Head has handled it very badly. I expect when the police are involved, he will be told that by the school. Attitudes like this are disgusting and I’m angry for your daughter.

I hope she and the other girls involved are ok and all have support.

Glenthebattleostrich · 22/11/2021 14:57

Im sadly not surprised. My 14 year old niece was threatened with expulsion for defending herself against a year 11 boy who had bullied year 8 and 9 girls into sending topless pictures, threatened to drag my niece into the toilets and sexually assault her and had upskirted her and shared the pictures.

The head wasn't going to get the police involved but my sister called them. They were very good by the way and very supportive of the girls involved.

3scape · 22/11/2021 14:58

Obviously sexual assault is never acceptable the teachers may well feel it's not their jurisdiction. But that kind of victim blaming ought to be reported as the school teachers involved clearly have no notion of safeguarding.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 22/11/2021 14:59

How brave of your daughter to report this straight away to the school and how appalling of the school to take that line and also to ‘warn’ him about the allegations.
I would be supporting my daughter in pursuing this and reporting to the police and helping support the other girls that might be too scared to come forward at the moment.

It’s not your daughter’s responsibility to get them to report him but if she lets them know or feels she can let them know that she has started procedures against him they might feel able to speak up.

The fact that he’s done this to multiple girls at one party is setting off huge alarm bells to me.

3scape · 22/11/2021 15:00

No wonder teenagers have to be anonymous ly asked by outside agencies about sexual misconduct in schools. Teachers don't seem to give a hoot

Glenthebattleostrich · 22/11/2021 15:01

Sorry hit post instead of preview.

If your daughter feels able do support her making a report to the police.

In the meantime, I would be asking for the complaints procedure and copying in the chair of governors and the safeguarding lead into a formal complaint.

Original poster
Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 15:01

Thanks all - I didn't think I was BU in thinking this way, but my judgement could have been clouded by the fact she's my DD.
I've made a complaint to the school and as soon as she's home she will be reporting the incident to the police.
I'm hoping the Head of 6th Form (male) calls to advise me of the underage drinking in the meantime as I have plenty to say on this matter!

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 22/11/2021 15:03

Terrible behaviour from the school.

Berthatydfil · 22/11/2021 15:05

Re the underage drinking.
Was this in a licensed premises ? If not then I think that under 18s can consume alcohol in a private home so it’s a non issue in my view

stripetop · 22/11/2021 15:06

@HoardingSamphireSaurus yes absolutely. But if it happened Friday, police Saturday, police speak to school this morning. I just think something this serious happens out with school, police first step, no?

Berthatydfil · 22/11/2021 15:08

Children over 5 can legally drink at home

www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s