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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Victim Blaming

64 replies

Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 14:35

Long time user – NC for this one.

I have a DD17 (18 in 2 weeks). She’s very sensible and hardworking currently doing A Levels. She went to a party on Friday at a friends house. There was alcohol involved, she had a few drinks but wasn’t very drunk – she was home by 12 and didn’t seem overly intoxicated to me.

It transpires that a year 12 boy who was sober and at the party sexually assaulted her (and a couple of other girls from what I gather).

DD reported to the school today, and was told by Head of 6th Form that as she drunk and didn’t fight him off (she froze as was scared) – it’s her fault. Subsequently the school aren’t going to do anything and if she feels it necessary she should report to the police.

However, the boy in question was then told of these allegations and was then seen shaking the hand of the Head of 6th Form.

I’m very cross at the school for victim blaming firstly, and secondly for speaking with the boy in question if they weren’t going to do anything as he now knows she has reported him. Apparently they are calling me later to advise me she was drinking underage…….AIBU to feel this way?!

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 15:10

[quote stripetop]@HoardingSamphireSaurus yes absolutely. But if it happened Friday, police Saturday, police speak to school this morning. I just think something this serious happens out with school, police first step, no? [/quote]
I may have suggested that already! But it would have been DDs choice, not that of OP!

And, as OP posted, it was DD herself who went to see the pastoral team today!

@Teensbeingteens you need to address that too. If the first thing the pastoral team did was to tell the Head of Dept then they too have probably broken all safeguarding principles. Nothing you have written about the school's response sounds right!

Bloodypunkrockers · 22/11/2021 15:10

[quote stripetop]@HoardingSamphireSaurus yes absolutely. But if it happened Friday, police Saturday, police speak to school this morning. I just think something this serious happens out with school, police first step, no? [/quote]
Agreed

Sexual assault should be reported to the police. Just because they go to the same school doesn't mean it's the school who should be first port of call

thing47 · 22/11/2021 15:11

Not only would I be reporting the incident to the police, but I'd also be reporting the Head of Sixth Form for his response.

The police will understand your DD's reaction at the assault, it's not uncommon to freeze in these circumstances.

Hope your DD is OK Flowers

stripetop · 22/11/2021 15:14

@HoardingSamphireSaurus got you now, missed you other post sorry.

Original poster
Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 15:15

HoardingSamphireSaurus Thank you. I've reported everything that was said to the school. Within 5 minutes the Head teacher called me. He is also outraged at the comments and urged DD to contact the police this evening. He is also opening an investigation within the school regarding the comments and safeguarding concerns.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 22/11/2021 15:16

Report to police and also hope the others will report too then shame the school by reporting to governors and demand action or training dismissal expulsion anything and everything
It’s a zero tolerance situation for me

2bazookas · 22/11/2021 15:17

??? At her age she is not allowed to buy alcohol from licensed premises or drink it in a public place.. But she was in a private home, so unless she BOUGHT the alcohol she hasn't broken any law.

The school has no responsibility for crimes committed by pupils outside the school's premises/ school activities. So why you think they should be disciplining the male pupil escapes me. Anyone at the party who was sexually assaulted should report it to police.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 15:18

@Teensbeingteens

HoardingSamphireSaurus Thank you. I've reported everything that was said to the school. Within 5 minutes the Head teacher called me. He is also outraged at the comments and urged DD to contact the police this evening. He is also opening an investigation within the school regarding the comments and safeguarding concerns.
Good job too! You may never hear anything about it but at least you have reason to believe something is being done. Should you doubt it you can always make your own report/complaint.
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 15:18

[quote stripetop]@HoardingSamphireSaurus got you now, missed you other post sorry.

[/quote]
Don't apologise. I don't always look at the names of posters and follow them through a thread - don't see why anyone else should either Smile

lanthanum · 22/11/2021 15:20

In terms of action being taken regarding the individual, then it needed to be reported to the police and not the school - a private party is not really anything to do with the school.

However, I think the school does need to know for two reasons:

  1. they may need to be aware of tensions between the students and the reason for them;
  2. they should be considering beefing up what they do in the way of sex education, particularly as regards consent and assault.

The head of sixth form clearly doesn't have a clue, and needs to be educated about consent himself. I'd try and speak to the safeguarding lead and/or PSHE coordinator, and ask what they're doing to address this issue.

It's not actually illegal for a 17 year old to drink alcohol at a private house. It doesn't sound like the alcohol affected the course of events in this case anyway.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 22/11/2021 15:21

Obvs go the police . But I would also approach the board of governors, this is appalling behaviour on behalf of the school and warrants some teacher training. What was that cartoon on Tea and Consent ? Send him the link. Surely they teach about this stuff at school?

Northernparent68 · 22/11/2021 15:23

I mean this nicely but are you really sure the teacher said that ? It does sound very likely

Northernparent68 · 22/11/2021 15:25

Sorry op, I had n’t seen your update

Makingnumber2 · 22/11/2021 15:26

This sort of incident is a huge topic in safeguarding in education at the moment and the school haven't handled it at all well or correctly.
If you google KCSIE (Keeping children safe in education) document you can read the peer on peer abuse section and I'm pretty sure some examples deal with incidents that occur outside of school but between peers and how they should be handled. The school should be treading very carefully here because they could be reported for failing to safeguard students. I hope your daughter is ok- she's done absolutely the right thing and I feel this should also be reported to the police if it hasn't already been done so.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 15:27

@Northernparent68

I mean this nicely but are you really sure the teacher said that ? It does sound very likely
The fact that he spoke to DD at all is a problem in itself.

He can't be the safeguarding lead - he wouldn't have said anything that could be misconstrued that badly, he would have far better training. So he shouldn't have been told anything, at least not until the safeguarding team had acted and even then maybe not!

So many things are wrong with what OP says happened today. Her DD went to get some support from the pastoral team and what she got was an open discussion by adults who should have known far, far better.

Makingnumber2 · 22/11/2021 15:27

Sorry only just seen your update OP. I'm sure the Head is mortally embarrassed that someone in a pastoral role (head of 6th) in their school has clearly not done their annual refresher on KCSIE.... Here's the document in case its useful to you: assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1021914/KCSIE_2021_September_guidance.pdf

HelloDulling · 22/11/2021 15:28

I'm glad the Head seems a little more aware of his safeguarding responsibilities.

ancientgran · 22/11/2021 15:28

@Finfintytint

A sex assault should be dealt with by the police. Any investigation has already been muddied by the school talking to the boy.
Yes, the police won't want the school getting involved.
JunoMcDuff · 22/11/2021 15:30

Disgusting attitude by the school.

Definitely speak with the police.

Original poster
Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 15:31

*The fact that he spoke to DD at all is a problem in itself.

He can't be the safeguarding lead - he wouldn't have said anything that could be misconstrued that badly, he would have far better training. So he shouldn't have been told anything, at least not until the safeguarding team had acted and even then maybe not!

So many things are wrong with what OP says happened today. Her DD went to get some support from the pastoral team and what she got was an open discussion by adults who should have known far, far better.*

You're correct. He isn't the safeguarding lead, and was more concerned with underage drinking than with the assault itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 15:32

[quote Makingnumber2]Sorry only just seen your update OP. I'm sure the Head is mortally embarrassed that someone in a pastoral role (head of 6th) in their school has clearly not done their annual refresher on KCSIE.... Here's the document in case its useful to you: assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1021914/KCSIE_2021_September_guidance.pdf[/quote]
Thank you - that's very helpful.

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/11/2021 15:32

Yes, the police won't want the school getting involved.

Given it seems to have been the victims choice they wouldn't have much of a say in it!

And they would have every expectation of a professsional response.

skodadoda · 22/11/2021 15:32

@Allywill

Absolutely appalling of the school. I really thought we had put this attitude firmly to bed. Not the point but school are wrong on the illegal drinking issue any way - it is not illegal for a for child aged five to 17 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises so if it was a house part - totally legal.
This is correct about alcohol. It’s attempting to purchase by or for under 18s that’s illegal.
RB68 · 22/11/2021 15:37

The fact that she had a couple of drinks on a private property doesn't make it illegal depending on what she was drinking.

Further if she had had drinks its irrelevant that she was u/age as it makes her MORE vulnerable and puts the onus on the sober person to ensure consent - if she was too inebriated then it should be even worse for him. Maybe a question should also be asked as to who was supplying the alcohol...ie could the older boy have allowed someone under age to drink or even supplied them with the sole intent to assault etc.

Original poster
Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 15:40

@RB68

The fact that she had a couple of drinks on a private property doesn't make it illegal depending on what she was drinking.

Further if she had had drinks its irrelevant that she was u/age as it makes her MORE vulnerable and puts the onus on the sober person to ensure consent - if she was too inebriated then it should be even worse for him. Maybe a question should also be asked as to who was supplying the alcohol...ie could the older boy have allowed someone under age to drink or even supplied them with the sole intent to assault etc.

From what I gather most of the attendees took their own alcohol as is the norm for these kind of parties. The boy in question is in the year below my DD also but was apparently sober. She says she had 2 x beers (yuk!), and certainly wasn't inebriated when she got home.
OP posts: