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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School Victim Blaming

64 replies

Teensbeingteens · 22/11/2021 14:35

Long time user – NC for this one.

I have a DD17 (18 in 2 weeks). She’s very sensible and hardworking currently doing A Levels. She went to a party on Friday at a friends house. There was alcohol involved, she had a few drinks but wasn’t very drunk – she was home by 12 and didn’t seem overly intoxicated to me.

It transpires that a year 12 boy who was sober and at the party sexually assaulted her (and a couple of other girls from what I gather).

DD reported to the school today, and was told by Head of 6th Form that as she drunk and didn’t fight him off (she froze as was scared) – it’s her fault. Subsequently the school aren’t going to do anything and if she feels it necessary she should report to the police.

However, the boy in question was then told of these allegations and was then seen shaking the hand of the Head of 6th Form.

I’m very cross at the school for victim blaming firstly, and secondly for speaking with the boy in question if they weren’t going to do anything as he now knows she has reported him. Apparently they are calling me later to advise me she was drinking underage…….AIBU to feel this way?!

OP posts:
HarrietsChariot · 22/11/2021 15:43

As others have said the big mistake was to not go to the police straight away with the allegation. The school can't do anything themselves and the Ho6F was probably correct in discussing the matter with the other party to get their side of things and to give them advice on how to avoid putting themselves in a position where they can be accused of SA. Generally, a person has the right to know if an allegation is made against them so that they are able to prepare a defence for themselves if it gets taken further. Obviously, if he then threatens or tries to intimidate the daughter, that's a further offence in the eyes of the law.

PigeonLittle · 22/11/2021 15:44

I'd raise merry hellfire.

And then go even bigger.

Absolutely fucking dreadful. Police if your daughter can, governers. Ofsted. And whoever else will listen.

Rosebel · 22/11/2021 16:12

@HarrietsChariot

As others have said the big mistake was to not go to the police straight away with the allegation. The school can't do anything themselves and the Ho6F was probably correct in discussing the matter with the other party to get their side of things and to give them advice on how to avoid putting themselves in a position where they can be accused of SA. Generally, a person has the right to know if an allegation is made against them so that they are able to prepare a defence for themselves if it gets taken further. Obviously, if he then threatens or tries to intimidate the daughter, that's a further offence in the eyes of the law.
So it's okay for him to blame OPs daughter but then go and give the lad advice and shake his hand? Really?
ittakes2 · 22/11/2021 16:31

If an adult was present it is not illegal for a 17 year old to drink at a friend's house - its illegal for them to drink in public.
www.gov.uk/alcohol-young-people-law

ancientgran · 22/11/2021 18:22

Are the other girls reporting it?

ancientgran · 22/11/2021 18:26

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Yes, the police won't want the school getting involved.

Given it seems to have been the victims choice they wouldn't have much of a say in it!

And they would have every expectation of a professsional response.

In my experience they would refer it to the police when told about it. It is a police matter.
FiremanSid · 22/11/2021 18:45

I work with a similar age group. Although schools are usually very good with dealing with the safeguarding implications of sexual assault (although apparently not this time!) I find the best place for pastoral support to be Rape Crisis. They are experts in this area and have always been incredibly helpful to everyone I've referred to them. Maybe give your DD their number so she has someone supportive to talk to outside the home who can be guaranteed to give good advice? I've been to their local walk in centre with an 18 year old who needed some support and it was really welcoming and a nice environment. They support with dealing with the police if wanted as well. rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

MuscariMuguet · 23/11/2021 16:21

Yanbu

Dixiechickonhols · 23/11/2021 22:34

School response sounds appalling. If I was your daughter I’d contact police. The drink thing is irrelevant but she was drinking legally in a private home assuming in England. School should be aware. I’d be tempted to complain to governors.

twelly · 23/11/2021 22:48

This is not a school matter, the school are impartial, they don't know what happened and only have one version of events. I feel they are placed in an impossible situation

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/11/2021 23:06

OK, first of all, the Governors should be aware already, especially the link governor for safeguarding and the Chair of the Board of Governors (the terminology may vary due to whether or not this is an academy, a single academy, a multiple academy trust, local authority maintained or church school - you'll be able to find out on the website about the Governing Body structure). However, this cannot be guaranteed, so the best way is to a) notify the Head that you are making a formal complaint about the staff member's conduct and b) you wish this to go to the Governing Body. If you are unconvinced whether this will actually get there, the contact details for the clerk to the governors is public information that should be listed on the school website (along with the complaints policy) and you can contact them directly - even if it needs to be referred back to the school at first, once it's been received, it can't be hidden.

When you look at the policy, it should give a timescale for when a meeting is arranged (eg, 15 days from receipt of your complaint) and whom it should be with - the resolution manager is the official title, and could include the Head as the RM for a Stage 1/2 complaint as an ex officio member of the Governing Body, but might not - it really does depend upon the complaints policy. There should then be a panel/meeting convened as soon as possible, which will be fully minuted by the Clerk, who is very well aware of the importance of accurate recording and impartiality - if you confirm your availability for a face to face meeting at the outset (3 dates/general times), it'll make it easier for the clerk to get sufficient governors together. Don't agree to meetings without somebody minuting them.

In addition to this, there is also Ofsted and the Local Authority, as this could trigger a zero notice Safeguarding Inspection. As it's likely that the DSL has literally only just filed the safeguarding audit with the LA in the last month and it might not have even been advised to Governors yet if they haven't yet had their full governing body meeting, that in itself will trigger some very pointed questions, both from the LA and, if they're a decent board, from governors.

They may be reluctant to say or do much at first because it should be the subject of a disciplinary at the same time as the criminal investigation, but don't let that stop you, any more than an open 'that's appalling and I will act right now' shouldn't. This isn't going to go away.

The DSL should be dealing with the offence/safety side of this. That is separate to the complaint about the twat teacher. You need to be absolutely clear that they are two separate things which can be complained about separately - it's normal in some circumstances to have two complaints running concurrently regarding complex matters.

The main thing is to not let this fizzle out with any 'he misunderstood/she misunderstood what he meant, he was just concerned for her safety drinking' or 'he's really, really sorry and will be having further training' responses.

RedCarpetRebellion · 23/11/2021 23:42

@stripetop

Well I mean clearly that's not been handled very well. But, why would an incident that occurred out of school be a school matter anyway? Surely the first step should have been the police straight away and they would then have taken matters from there. You could then have updated school as to police process.
The DfE guidance says that schools can discipline children for behaviour outside of school in certain circumstances.

The education act section 90 & 91 legislative for this.

School also need to risk assess in school based on this to safeguard her.

Op- see DfE document working together to safeguard children. It has sections about how school should react to sexual abuse that takes place outside of school. Print it off, highlight the relevant sections and stick it under their noses. If they ignore it then report to ofsted as a safeguarding failure.

Yes to police, doctors, victims support agencies, but you can’t make her access these and school must safeguard her.

The ofsted peer on peer abuse report shows 9/10 perpetrators are boys and 8/10 victims are girls. It would be sex discrimination for school to ignore that she was assaulted because she’s a girl.

I’m so sorry for your dd op. You need to take action to make school safeguard her. Use the complaints procedure. Take action.

Marvellousmadness · 24/11/2021 00:48

Bad reaction from school. Good that your reported it. But do teach your dd to fight and teach her what to do with unwanted attention and bad behaviour from guys as this might be the first time but it won't be the last.

Shasha17 · 24/11/2021 04:51

It was very odd to report to school before police. It's very much a police matter and not for the school to handle without police handling it too.

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