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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this strange - PIL family photos

98 replies

Amelion · 22/11/2021 09:33

So we’re low contact with PIL for good reasons. Maybe see them once or twice a year.

DH’s other siblings are the same - they all see their parents minimally.

We went to theirs recently and I saw on their mantelpiece, shelves etc lots of pictures of us that they’d got from social media. They’ve gone on to our social media and printed out photos to frame and put up.

If you went to their house you’d think they’d been there for all of those things - holidays, Christmas etc and taken the photos of us. But they haven’t been because they’re so incredibly difficult.

Part of me feels that they do it so any causal observer who comes into the house thinks they’re ‘normal’ nice parents who see their kids and grandkids and spend time with them.

I also felt a bit sad that they haven’t been there for all those things and they’ve missed out on so much.

But am I unreasonable to think it’s strange and a little creepy to print out people’s social media photos and frame them?

OP posts:
IamGusFring · 22/11/2021 11:45

@Amelion

Thanks all. Interesting to see the mix of replies which reflect some of my own thoughts - I feel sadness if they feel they have to do this, I would much rather that everyone gets on as has a nice time together. But I also feel there is an element of ‘keeping up appearances’ for their friends/neighbours who come in to their home. Or maybe it’s more that they are in denial and surround themselves with pictures to feel more like part of the family? Maybe they don’t want to admit to themselves that they have a poor relationship with their kids and by having pictures they don’t have to confront that thought so much?

I don’t really want to go into details of why we’re low contact but they are damaging to us/siblings/grandkids - in a nutshell, issues around bullying and controlling behaviour, alcohol abuse, sexism, racism and xenophobia. DH and his brother have both seen therapists because of issues stemming from their parents.

If it as bad as this then I have no idea why you go at all.
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 22/11/2021 12:04

On the flip side of weird - my PIL had no photographs of my DH at all. None. Plenty of the golden child but literally none of him.

People who knew them for years but didn't live locally were genuinely startled to learn there was another child because he wasn't mentioned. Others knew he existed only knew because his father told negative stories about him that usually showcased how fabulous the golden child is.

No back-story. If anything, DH is better qualified and more senior than golden child. No misspent youth.

Just one of those things.

WildfirePonie · 22/11/2021 12:11

Weird and creepy.

Can you not block them?

5128gap · 22/11/2021 12:20

I think its really sad. The family is obviously important to them despite their behaviour having driven them away. I had a friend who was estranged from her mum. When the mum died my friend went to her flat for the first time, and there was a photograph of my friend as a baby and a newspaper cutting of something she'd achieved as an adult, framed on her mums bedside table. It was tragic really as on a level, her mum had clearly cared, but somehow could never act as though she did.

Ourlady · 22/11/2021 12:21

It's all for show. I would stop giving them access to any of your family photos.

Grapewrath · 22/11/2021 12:24

My pil and parent do this too. I find it weird they can’t be arsed with my kids but share pictures of them on social media like they’re involved grandparents. Sad.

Northernparent68 · 22/11/2021 12:26

Maybe they’re trying to guilt trip you

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 22/11/2021 12:32

I don't think it at all odd for parents to do something like this, even if you don't see them often. I'm surprised that the vote has gone the way it has!

My guess is it's either they miss you and want to fill their home with photos of you all, or they are embarrassed at the lack of contact and want to present an image of a great familial relationship. Most likely, it's both of these things.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2021 12:38

Given how awful they are you’d better going completely NC. If they’ve caused their sons so much damage why let vulnerable impressionable young children anywhere near them?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2021 12:43

OK a bit weird. But don't post photos on social media if you're offended by people downloading or printing them.

Rewis · 22/11/2021 12:50

You know them the best. Could be yo keep up appearances. Or could be that they want to be surrounded by family

ElephantOfRisk · 22/11/2021 13:02

Is it both parents or is one under the control of the other more? Just thinking that it might be one doing the photos? Do they know why the family don't want to see them?

WomanStanleyWoman · 22/11/2021 13:11

YABU. You have minimal contact and they want pictures of their family, where else are they supposed to get them?

They’re NOT supposed to get them. That’s the point.

The OP obviously hasn’t blocked them altogether, or they wouldn’t be able to see the pictures. But if it’s just ‘Awwh, they miss their grandchildren’, why can’t they just look at the pictures online? For whose benefit do they print and frame them?

muddyford · 22/11/2021 13:18

I think it's sad that they don't receive photos directly from their family. My family photos are in frames, which for me is normal, not on social media, which I think is creepy.

MzHz · 22/11/2021 13:21

To support the load of bollocks they’re telling everyone about how close they are to everyone…

Yeah, I’d stop posting images pdq tbh.

FlorenceWintle · 22/11/2021 13:31

I’m surprised there are so many sympathetic responses on here. My immediate thought was that they were doing it for show and to look like they have a normal, happy family.

FamBae · 22/11/2021 13:42

They see that you have shared the pictures so I guess they've taken that literally. You say you're not totally nc and see them a couple of times a year and you've obviously seen the photos displayed so they are not hiding anything. I can't really see the harm and no it wouldn't weird me out as they are family. I admire you both for keeping in contact it can't be easy.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/11/2021 13:53

My PILs had framed photos up when we visited. I later discovered that she had a set of photos related to each sibling and they were put up if you were visited and then put away, and replaced by photos of others.
Maybe its that.

MizzFizz · 22/11/2021 14:00

My grandmother does this and I think it's so cute! I think it's partially an age / not getting social meda thing. Probably if it was a family member you had a really good relationship with you would find it less odd and more of a display that they love you and want to have pictures of you around.

CoastalWave · 22/11/2021 14:02

We are completely non contact with our PILS.

Social services were involved due to a cousin - they told us that they loved our children, had pictures up everywhere around their house. They haven't even met our son.

Bloody weirdos. I made husband lock down his FB after this.

MizzFizz · 22/11/2021 14:03

@WomanStanleyWoman if the photos are up in their home, presumably as the people who live there, they will enjoy looking at the photos for their own benefit? I decorate my home for my own enjoyment, not for others....

Almostmenopausal · 22/11/2021 14:05

I would start adding a large watermark across the centre of all pics you share onto social media! (You can get apps that do this)

But then I'm petty.

Drybird2020 · 22/11/2021 14:05

Part of me feels that they do it so any causal observer who comes into the house thinks they’re ‘normal’ nice parents who see their kids and grandkids and spend time with them.

I think this is the correct explanation. I have a similar situation with my parents and its incredibly important to them to be seen to be good grandparents. It's all about appearances and status. In reality they are not interested in the reality of relationships with the children. It's a kind of fantasy they live in.

MRex · 22/11/2021 14:12

issues around bullying and controlling behaviour, alcohol abuse, sexism, racism and xenophobia
This is all your issues with them, not their issues with you.

It sounds most likely that they miss everyone and print the photos to feel more connected. You're all doing what's best for you by being low contact, but it doesn't mean everything they do has to be for base motives like showing off to strangers.

SaturdaySummer · 22/11/2021 15:08

@Amelion

So we’re low contact with PIL for good reasons. Maybe see them once or twice a year.

DH’s other siblings are the same - they all see their parents minimally.

We went to theirs recently and I saw on their mantelpiece, shelves etc lots of pictures of us that they’d got from social media. They’ve gone on to our social media and printed out photos to frame and put up.

If you went to their house you’d think they’d been there for all of those things - holidays, Christmas etc and taken the photos of us. But they haven’t been because they’re so incredibly difficult.

Part of me feels that they do it so any causal observer who comes into the house thinks they’re ‘normal’ nice parents who see their kids and grandkids and spend time with them.

I also felt a bit sad that they haven’t been there for all those things and they’ve missed out on so much.

But am I unreasonable to think it’s strange and a little creepy to print out people’s social media photos and frame them?

I have something similar with my mil- she can go weeks without even asking how any of us are but will go into every Single post on my Instagram and comment. Like yourself, I believe it's purely to keep up appearances for others like she is a good nana when that's actually far from the truth