Or is this strange - PIL family photos

[Amelion]

So we’re low contact with PIL for good reasons. Maybe see them once or twice a year.

DH’s other siblings are the same - they all see their parents minimally.

We went to theirs recently and I saw on their mantelpiece, shelves etc lots of pictures of us that they’d got from social media. They’ve gone on to our social media and printed out photos to frame and put up.

If you went to their house you’d think they’d been there for all of those things - holidays, Christmas etc and taken the photos of us. But they haven’t been because they’re so incredibly difficult.

Part of me feels that they do it so any causal observer who comes into the house thinks they’re ‘normal’ nice parents who see their kids and grandkids and spend time with them.

I also felt a bit sad that they haven’t been there for all those things and they’ve missed out on so much.

But am I unreasonable to think it’s strange and a little creepy to print out people’s social media photos and frame them?

My MIL did this. Lives close by but doesn’t bother with the kids - but doesn’t want other people to realise this so I found out she was printing off photos from SM to make it look as if she had a close relationship. I came off SM - she’s welcome to actually visit them and take photos!

Well as you know, when you post a photo online you lose control of that image.
Re your in-laws, unless there are safeguarding issues I wouldn’t call their actions creepy, just sad.

Also, for the PP saying it’s sad for the grandchildren - I can’t speak for OP but can tell you that the reason we are LC with my in laws is because they adore one of our children and completely ignore the other one. They make no attempt to hide their favourite and it’s incredibly damaging for our lovely little boy who has started to notice that granny and grandad don’t like him as much as his sister. Unless you know the reasons OP has for going LC, you shouldn’t judge her for it or feel too sorry for her in laws. I note that the other siblings are also LC so I very much doubt it’s an insignificant issue.

I also think it's bit sad and a sign that they miss you.

How many casual observers does anyone have coming and going in their houses these days, especially over the last 18 months? It's much more likely that they have been feeling isolated and the pictures bring them comfort.

They don't realise they are difficult, they just feel lonely and left out.

I have family members that do this - the ones we see frequently tend to get copies of school photos and take their own, but the ones we see less often (eg: they live abroad etc) take pictures from social media.

We don't write them letters enclosing hard copy prints of anything (like my parents would have done in the same situation in my childhood) because we keep up with news by following each others' social media instead, so if they want a recent photo they don't have many other options!

I think it's odd that you assume people would think they took the photos. My DM has lots of photos of us in different places or at different events - she didn't take any of them and she wasn't there - they were just nice photos.
I agree with PPs that it's sad and seems like they miss you all.

It could be that they love you and want photos of you around.
If they're difficult though, more likely it's because they want to appear 'normal' to other people by having photos of you around?

Of course it is not creepy to have photos of your children on display. I expect they love and miss their children and this is the only way they can get photos. I find it sad not creepy.

Thanks all. Interesting to see the mix of replies which reflect some of my own thoughts - I feel sadness if they feel they have to do this, I would much rather that everyone gets on as has a nice time together. But I also feel there is an element of ‘keeping up appearances’ for their friends/neighbours who come in to their home. Or maybe it’s more that they are in denial and surround themselves with pictures to feel more like part of the family? Maybe they don’t want to admit to themselves that they have a poor relationship with their kids and by having pictures they don’t have to confront that thought so much?

I don’t really want to go into details of why we’re low contact but they are damaging to us/siblings/grandkids - in a nutshell, issues around bullying and controlling behaviour, alcohol abuse, sexism, racism and xenophobia. DH and his brother have both seen therapists because of issues stemming from their parents.

My parents print off pictures I share on Social Media of the kids, but I share them as a way of them getting to see the photos as they don’t see the kids very often due to distance.

Many years ago my parents used to give relatives and my grandparents photographs of me eg school pictures etc and they would put them up in their homes. I don’t think what the OP is describing is any different than the modern equivalent.

It sounds like they want to put on an act for anyone coming into the house and pretend that they are nice people with healthy family relationships.

I know you're LC but do you ever send them photos yourselves via email etc every so often? Maybe if you did that they wouldn't need to print them off social media. It must be disheartening for them to see photos splashed all over SM for others to see but to not have any sent to them directly.

My PILs do this (we are not LC) and my aunt also yoinks photos from social media to print off for my grandmother who. I think it's a generational thing tbh - they feel the photos have been shared with them, so why wouldn't they print them off? I found it a bit weird at first but I think they don't read the signals in the same way I would.

I actually get round this by making a photo book for my grandmother every year and sending out a nicely printed Christmas card with a photo of my daughter to the relatives who like that sort of thing. Not, god forbid, to everyone in my address book! But this way I have some control over what pictures they display.

There's obviously an added dimension in your case, with the strained relationship and low contact, but it may well be just something they think is normal, and which their friends of the same age do too. Would you be willing to send them a photo of your choice, so they're at least not trawling social media?

It's possible to be a difficult, entitled, awkward baggage of a parent and still love your children. Sone people have no i site to thier behaviour or how to change it it but still love their children.

I think it's sad, not disturbing.

I think it's sad too. Maybe they don't think they are "difficult" and maybe they have no idea why you are LC . Nobody ever thinks they are difficult - I'm sure that the inlaws think they are quite normal and that this is a good way to have some nice photos of you and the family.

I think it's so they can pretend to be loving PIL in front of other people. I'm NC with my mother (7 years now) and have her blocked on social media and yet a cousin of mine took it upon herself to go on my FB and download photos of my children to create a fucking photo book for my poor wronged mother!

Depends on why you barely see them.

I think I'd this was done by casual acquaintances, it would be very odd. I don't see how it's in the least bit weird or creepy that grandparents want to have photos of their children and grandchildren. That seems very normal to me, especially if they don't see them in person very often

When my children were young I used to have all my photos printed. As they got older I stopped doing that, but I always used to have a few of the best ones printed so that included send them to my parents and parents in law.

They are allowed to display what they like.

@Bimblybomeyelash

It’s not creepy. They’re printing and displaying photos of their closest family, not random Social media contacts. Yes it’s a bit unusual and yes it’s a bit sad but it’s not creepy or ‘wrong’.

This

As most people consider themselves normal perhaps this what they think other people do?

Perhaps they see friends photos of GC & DC Christmases/birthdays/holidays and assume that these were also taken from social media rather than realising that their friends were at these events?

@Amelion I wouldn't think they are displaying the photos to impress their friends - most older people are still very wary of inviting people into their homes right now so no-one will be staying long enough to inspect photos on the mantlepiece. It may well be that the isolation many old people have felt during the pandemic has made them miss their family and that they really miss you. Has anyone actually sat them down and calmly explained why their attitudes and behaviours have resulted in lack of contact? Some people honestly don't realise that their attitudes are upsetting and alienating!

It’s sad. They obviously have some issues they can’t see/admit that has pushed you all away, but they still love/care for you all. That’s very sad. Not criticising you for LC, just it’s a sad situation for you all.