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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you'd do re funeral.

53 replies

KeeG8181 · 22/11/2021 00:05

Tomorrow is my beloved grans funeral. We are traveling over an hour and a half by train to go as she lived quite far. I have DS who is almost 2.

I'm so stressed with what to do. The journey that was once a fun exciting journey is now gonna be masked with pain, yet everything about the journey is the same. Just not the most important bit. Usually it was happy hellos but now it's the final goodbye.

Also, with the travelling and service means DS will have been in his trolley for quite a while and he gets bored in his pram if he isnt moving and seeing the world go by, I also don't fancy the idea of him running round a crematorium. I'm standing right at the back near the door just incase of any toddler antics but that's breaking my heart to think I'd miss it because I'm walking DS round to calm him.

My gran was my 2nd mum and at this point I'm wondering shall I just not go.

OP posts:
careerchangeperhaps · 22/11/2021 00:07

Do you have a friend who could look after DS or is DS' father around?

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 22/11/2021 00:08

No I don't really have friends who could watch DS and his dad isn't around at all. Pain in the arse I know

OP posts:
2319inprogress · 22/11/2021 00:13

Isn't there anyone at the funeral who you would trust with your DS to play kick about or similar outside?

The other thing I would do is try to get there early enough to run DS for a good hour before expecting him to sit nicely (& have a pile of exciting stickers & snacks ready to go)

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

MoiraNotRuby · 22/11/2021 00:16

I'm so sorry for your loss. I would get there early so DS can have a run around for a while. Fwiw your gran sounds wonderful, I'm sure she would not mind in the slightest if your DS attracted attention during the funeral. I'm hoping that once it is my turn for a funeral I have a large and noisy family to see me off.

Lots of love and luck to you xxx

SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2021 00:17

Get him out of his buggy on the train if its over an hour without changes and Yy to getting there early so you can let him have a run around, do bums etc.

I'd do screen/phone time with headphones personally if you can. Snacks and a drink so he can just quietly munch.

MoiraNotRuby · 22/11/2021 00:18

PS. At my nans funeral I did a reading which was interrupted by my small children coming up to stand with me. She would have loved that tbh.

Driposaurus · 22/11/2021 00:20

Go.

No it won’t be the same, but it’s important for you.,

It’s very rare I deploy the screens in public, but I’d download a few favourite tv episodes onto my phone or tablet and allow DS to use those during the funeral and the journey none - don’t crack too soon though, otherwise the novelty will have worn off.

Finchgold · 22/11/2021 00:27

No one will mind, they will want you there. Tell people you’re worried and they’ll help. My then 18 month old ran up and down the crematorium at my grannny’s funeral and did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction.

careerchangeperhaps · 22/11/2021 00:29

Yes you must go. No one will mind if your toddler is a bit disruptive.

BobbieT1999 · 22/11/2021 00:35

Definitely go. If you don't you'll regret it all your life.

Your son may be perfectly behaved all day. Or you may need to leave the service for a few minutes, but you'll still be there, will see more than you'd do at home and still get to say goodbye.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

23MinutesfromTuIseHill · 22/11/2021 00:40

did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction
I find it hard to believe that your undisciplined/uncontrolled child was a 'welcome distraction '.

OP, line up someone peripheral to wrangle ypir child during the actual service or leave them behind if you can.
Flowers

HeartRainbow87 · 22/11/2021 00:44

@Finchgold

No one will mind, they will want you there. Tell people you’re worried and they’ll help. My then 18 month old ran up and down the crematorium at my grannny’s funeral and did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction.
Your child sounds delightful- Farting at a funeral!!!!

🙄

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/11/2021 00:49

“Usually it was happy hellos but now it's the final goodbye. “

Can’t add any worthwhile advice.
Just wanted to say though, that’s one of the most poignant, lovely sentences I’ve ever read.

So sorry for your loss.

Lbnc2021 · 22/11/2021 01:08

@Finchgold

No one will mind, they will want you there. Tell people you’re worried and they’ll help. My then 18 month old ran up and down the crematorium at my grannny’s funeral and did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction.
We had my dads funeral 2 months ago and would have been absolutely raging if someone let their little cherub do this. People did mind, they were obviously too polite to say anything to you.
SolasAnla · 22/11/2021 01:29

KeeG8181 if you feel you can cope with the service go.
Your DS is family to his great gran and there are good suggestions on the thread about how to keep him calm during the service.
Go and say your goodbyes, and pop outside if you need to.

Sorry for your loss🌻

TheSandgroper · 22/11/2021 01:32

Yes to catching an earlier train to allow for run around time.

Talk to your child. Walk through the chapel if possible. Explain the process. Don’t hide anything. Take food, a book, a cuddly toy. Sit at the end of the pew so you can leave if necessary.

Sorry for your loss.

Bananarice · 22/11/2021 02:30

Wow, ignore people false claims of finding 18 month old baby farts offensive at funerals. Next, they will try to control who is allowed to cry at a funeral. You are not a robot and neither is your child.

Is there a park close to where the funeral is held? Running around for 1hr before it might do both of you some good. Dose your baby still nap during the day? Can you manipulative his nap time so it falls during important time frame? No-one said anything negative about my dc at my grandmother wake. People understood children wouldn't magically stop being children.

My dc didn't do anything bad, ds2 spilled his drink on himself slightly. And children were kept in their own separate room. The adult rooms was throughly depressing so it was nice having a room were people put on a brave face and focused on the positivity grandma brought. It was a room filled with happy young children, her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren. There was few activities layed out for them. It was held in my aunt house and she organised few babysitters, but parents were ultimately responsible for their own children.

Marvellousmadness · 22/11/2021 02:42

Wozers how rude that some pp mentioned there was an 18mo running around at a funeral. I would have been livid

Anyway back to you of course go!
Let your kid get his energy out on the train and no devices on the train either.
Then when you are at the destination and the service starts put him in front of his favourite show.

Good luck

Poolhater · 22/11/2021 05:40

I would urge you to make the journey. Snacks, downloaded stuff on your phone, drinks, crayons etc.

Get him out on the train. Get him out before the service.

Do not make the decision not to go in - you will always regret it and wonder “what if?”.

Go in and make the best of s toyxh situation in horrible circumstances.

People do no expect silence from a child at a funeral. So don’t put that pressure on yourself.

Yes, a final goodbye isn’t nice but do try and go.

careerchangeperhaps · 22/11/2021 07:24

Hope today goes well for you @KeeG8181 Thanks

FredaFox · 22/11/2021 07:40

@23MinutesfromTuIseHill

did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction I find it hard to believe that your undisciplined/uncontrolled child was a 'welcome distraction '.

OP, line up someone peripheral to wrangle ypir child during the actual service or leave them behind if you can.
Flowers

Have to agree, it's not appropriate for a child to be running around a funeral. The fart couldn't be helped but the running around could. It would not have been a welcome distraction at my dads funeral

You have lots of great advice here OP get your child out on the train, let them run around beforehand

Good luck and sorry for your loss

JSL52 · 22/11/2021 07:40

@Finchgold

No one will mind, they will want you there. Tell people you’re worried and they’ll help. My then 18 month old ran up and down the crematorium at my grannny’s funeral and did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction.
Why did you let them run up and down at the crematorium?
SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2021 09:31

Your child sounds delightful-
Farting at a funeral!!!!
OK I get the annoyance at a toddler running wild around the Chapel but do people honestly expect 18 MONTH OLDS to hold in their farts until an appropriate time??

Op I hope the mainly sane suggestions have gnyoi the confidence to go x

peppersauce1984 · 22/11/2021 10:53

Sorry for your loss.
I would just do whatever I could to make it easier- iPads/ treats etc. Give dc a good run around before the service and then hope for the best. Funeral services are not that long so hopefully it'll be fine.

Wannakisstheteacher · 22/11/2021 10:59

Having a child running up and down during a funeral is just awful. I don’t doubt the people there were too polite to say anything - but seriously, don’t bring a child you can’t control to a funeral FFS.