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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you'd do re funeral.

53 replies

KeeG8181 · 22/11/2021 00:05

Tomorrow is my beloved grans funeral. We are traveling over an hour and a half by train to go as she lived quite far. I have DS who is almost 2.

I'm so stressed with what to do. The journey that was once a fun exciting journey is now gonna be masked with pain, yet everything about the journey is the same. Just not the most important bit. Usually it was happy hellos but now it's the final goodbye.

Also, with the travelling and service means DS will have been in his trolley for quite a while and he gets bored in his pram if he isnt moving and seeing the world go by, I also don't fancy the idea of him running round a crematorium. I'm standing right at the back near the door just incase of any toddler antics but that's breaking my heart to think I'd miss it because I'm walking DS round to calm him.

My gran was my 2nd mum and at this point I'm wondering shall I just not go.

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 22/11/2021 11:03

Just go, don't stand at the back near the door I'm sure he'll be fine. There must be someone who's going who's not as close as you who would be happy to take DS out if he did start kicking off? I know I would if you explained to me the situation. Dont over think it, he'll be OK.

basketofsoftkittens · 22/11/2021 11:06

Yes, because an 18 month old child will have perfect funeral manners and full control over his bowels to prevent farting. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 some people’s comments are really amusing

3scape · 22/11/2021 11:12

I've not been able to participate in two funerals recently because of my child, one also for my gran (one of the few relatives who stayed in touch with me after I was removed from my parents). It was too far to contemplate a sitter at home (because of the hours involved and the day of the week) and I couldnt trust an unknown, which someone in that town would be.

Will the service be available online at all?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/11/2021 11:24

You are a significant mourner so your needs should be accommodated during the service. Son included.

As to the journey. It’s tough. But just needs to be got through as best you can.

None of what you have said about your an or the journey is good reason not to go to the funeral of someone who meant so much to you. Unless you would rather not go. Which is fine if you acknowledge that and own it for what it is. It’s ok not to want to go. But if you want to go, then your DS should not prevent you.

Hope it goes as well as possible.

Triffid1 · 22/11/2021 11:30

If you're just going for the day, can you not pay for a babysitter for your DS for the day? Or put him in nursery for an extra day?

If that really isn't an option, then yes, I'd go early enough that he can run around before hand then he needs to sit at the end of the pew with headphones and a device. I think few people would have an issue with that. Most importantly, I assume your immediate family would not have an issue with that - ie your DS grandparents/aunts/uncles etc.

TillyTopper · 22/11/2021 11:47

Definitely go! I'm sure your Nan loved your DS so if he disturbs things don't worry too much (even if others comment - this is between you and your Nan, not them). I'd put some things on my phone for DS and take stickers and paper and crayons and perhaps he could sit on a blanket on the floor and play quietly whilst you are there.

ladycarlotta · 22/11/2021 11:52

My 2yo has quite enjoyed train travel, I've been taking her on trains solo since she was small and although it's a military operation it's not as stressful as I'd worried it might be. Have a little backpack of activities and cheap little toys he hasn't seen before, get him out and let him sit by the window, be prepared for screen time.

I think PPs have got everything else covered. Arrive early, get him tired with a runaround, have screen time lined up for the service itself. You can do it.

And I'm so sorry for your loss. I still feel very sad going through my granddad's "stop" on the train, but his funeral is actually a really nice memory for me. Family was together, we reminisced about him, cried loads - it was quite healing. I hope you find the same.

Brainwave89 · 22/11/2021 12:04

Definitely go. I am sorry for your loss OP. Personally always like to see a youngster at a funeral. It lets everyone know that even at this difficult time, life is moving forward to the next generation, which is a comfort.

GreenClock · 22/11/2021 12:14

Please don’t worry OP. Whilst children mustn’t be allowed to run around at a funeral, no one seriously expects silence.

I hope it all goes smoothly.

awmum2b · 22/11/2021 12:28

Sorry for your loss

I attended my grans funeral with my 2 year old (single parent n obviously all my family were in attendance), she's was ok just sat ony lap playing with the order of service and then had a run around and played with toys at the wake. She did occasionally shout but in a way it was nice she was there, a lot of my grandmother's friends were thrilled to see her. It was also a remembrance of the family my grandmother built and that she lives on in all us. We're her family and my little girl is part of that.

There is no easy decision on it but just wanted to share my experience on it. Hope that the day goes okxx

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 22/11/2021 12:34

You won't feel right if you don't go. But perhaps someone there can help with your little one? They may welcome the distraction. Funerals are hard, but also quite healing, and it would be sad if you missed out on that. Sorry for your loss.

JSL52 · 22/11/2021 15:12

@basketofsoftkittens

Yes, because an 18 month old child will have perfect funeral manners and full control over his bowels to prevent farting. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 some people’s comments are really amusing
It wasn't the farting people had the issue with , it was letting the child run up and down.
appleturnovers · 22/11/2021 15:47

I had to go to a funeral of a very close relative recently and one of the other funeralgoer's wives (who didn't know the deceased that well) offered to mind all the children. I barely knew the woman but I was thankful to let her take my toddler. Are you absolutely sure there's no one who could mind your son? Not a neighbour, a distant relative? I agree with what someone else said - let it be known to everyone you talk to that you're really worried about what to do with DS during the ceremony and hopefully someone who doesn't know the DS will offer. to mind him. Even if it just means someone stands outside the church and watches him run around the graveyard or something.

I just think, when you've got a toddler it's hard enough to grieve because you don't get a single second to think, and the funeral service (for me personally) is the one time when you're permitted to really reflect, HOWEVER, obviously if you can't get a babysitter then it's far better for you both to go than for you to miss it. As someone else said, you are one of the key mourners, you have more right to be there than most of the other people so don't worry about your son disturbing anyone else.

appleturnovers · 22/11/2021 15:48

Should have said "someone who wasn't as close to your gran will offer to babysit".

avvemarriia · 22/11/2021 15:52

Absolutely howling at people being horrified at an 18 month old farting at a funeral Grin
Hilarious.

Nobody should allow a child to run riot, but a fart Grin

Anyway, just do your best to distract and keep them busy, it really can't be helped, you can always take them outside if they become too noisy, unless someone less close to your gran would be ok to take over if necessary.

Kite22 · 22/11/2021 16:00

@Finchgold

No one will mind, they will want you there. Tell people you’re worried and they’ll help. My then 18 month old ran up and down the crematorium at my grannny’s funeral and did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction.
That is very much your blinkered perception. Allowing a child to run up and down at a funeral is entirely inappropriate.

You have left it late OP, if the funeral is tomorrow, but it would have made a lot of sense to either ask someone at home to have your little one for the day, or, as pps have suggested, asked if someone local might have been able to entertain them outside the crem for the 25mins you will be in there.
As you haven't, then the suggestion of letting him run around outside for as long as you can first is a good one.

Topseyt · 22/11/2021 16:45

@Finchgold

No one will mind, they will want you there. Tell people you’re worried and they’ll help. My then 18 month old ran up and down the crematorium at my grannny’s funeral and did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction.
Well farts don't bother me in the slightest, especially from a toddler who would know no better in that situation.

However, I would have been very upset and angry if someone had let their small child run around in the crematorium during my Dad's funeral earlier this year. People would almost certainly be too polite to say anything, but it is utterly inappropriate. The child should have been taken out.

OP, do go. Get there an hour or two earlier than needed so that you can let your DS run around and let off steam outside. Take plenty to keep him amused as quietly as possible during the service. Drinks, sweets, biscuits, books, colouring books, something downloaded on a phone or tablet (with headphones).

Sit on the end of a pew near the back so that you can take him out if he does start to kick off.

Get the livestream link if the family are doing this so that if you do have to go out and let him run around you can still keep up with the service by linking in on your phone.

That way you will still be around to speak and socialise with other family members afterwards.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 22/11/2021 17:07

The service was a complete disaster. DS became overtired and screamed hysterically when we even tried to go into the crematorium. I was stood outside watching on the big screen with him. Wasn't pleasant being on my own but it is what it is.
Thank you all for your advice! However DS had other ideas haha

OP posts:
User57327259 · 22/11/2021 17:16

@KeeG8181 I am glad that you managed to get to the funeral even if it did not pan out very well with DS. You were there, you saw the funeral on a screen I am sure most DGM would understand a toddler having a to-do.

Get back home, be cosy and relax in the knowledge that you did all you could. Hugs

Arethechildreninbedyet · 22/11/2021 17:19

If it’s your granny do you have any siblings/cousins going? Could a partner of theirs help with your DS for just the service? Offer them a drink at the wake?

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 22/11/2021 17:21

Oh my gran would've wet herself laughing at DS kicking off and having a tantrum. Especially when I took him out the pram and he ran off!

OP posts:
ColinTheKoala · 22/11/2021 17:28

@Finchgold

No one will mind, they will want you there. Tell people you’re worried and they’ll help. My then 18 month old ran up and down the crematorium at my grannny’s funeral and did a huge fart at a crucial moment in the service! It lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction.
This made me laugh. I don't believe so many posters on here have said they would have found it offensive.
ColinTheKoala · 22/11/2021 17:29

I do agree you don't let them run around though. But you can't hold a fart in (I know there are MNers who beg to differ)

saoirse31 · 22/11/2021 17:33

Still you know probably nicer to have him there than not, I'm sure it's what your gran would have wanted

HaroldSteptoesHorse · 22/11/2021 17:42

My DS was almost 2 when she went to her grandads funeral, I fed her quavers and maltreated throughout the service. Tbh If she’d run around I’d have taken her outside. Don’t stress your DC is tiny too and people can keep their sticky beaks out of it