To think my sons love me but don’t respect me?

[OrchidPetalsFalling]

They undoubtedly love me. They are 3 and 8 and are borderline obsessed with me!!

They just have no respect for me. I don’t shout at all but try the lowered voice, angry tone but they just don’t give a shit. When I’m disciplining them I have to resort to the ‘I’m going to tell your Dad’ shit and that makes them listen up.

What am I meant to do????!!!!

Just walk into another room and let them get on with it

What kind of things do you mean exactly

Funnily enough I've just been tidying up and found an old book of mine called;

'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by Fabre & Mazlish

Philippa Perry is very good at this too and has books and podcasts.

What do you mean by them being obsessed with you?

How do they disrespect you?

@NiellyNoFive I’ll loom that up

They don’t listen or take me seriously.
They see anything but shouting as optional and I don’t like to shout.

By obsessed I mean that from the moment they wake they expect and demand me to play with them. Setting out stuff isn’t enough I have to play it, and that onlyY can dress them, Fred them, drive them to school etc

I feel like my son is just the same. He is only 2 but he seems capable of listening to anyone but me! We spend a LOT of time together (not SAHM but close) and I wonder if it's because of this - I'm just 'there' always whereas dad is more of a novelty and much more respected.

@polar2019 I completely agree. I’m wanted but more of a fixture of everyday life!

Just don’t feed them/dress them/ take the to school, I mean they’re hardly going to go naked. They will let someone else help. And I’m sure you mean help because at 8 I’d want them dressing themselves

Mine are 11 and 13 and I feel same ! I’m a
Single mum so the buck (doesn’t !) stop at me !

Here are some random examples from the book

More

You are showing them you need back up.
You need to simplify the punishments and see them through..
Yabu to use dh as the bad guy imo.

Okay so the8 year olds reseed himself but I have to find and encourage it all the way. I threaten to wake Daddy at that point and he starts to speed up!

More

Yet more

Wait, why is ‘daddy’ not awake doing half of the dressing anyway?

Well do you follow through on punishment? And by that I mean things like time out, removing iPads
Or switching off TVs etc if they are misbehaving?

My 3 year old is a cheeky bugger who pushes boundaries non stop but he understands when I mean business.

I definitely pick my battles but I don’t stand for nasty behaviour like pushing his sibling or throwing food on the floor etc. He goes in time out for things like that.
It happens of course, he’s a toddler after all but I do think it’s average for his age and he definitely knows what it means to be naughty or nice.

Drive them to school? Confused by this one. How else would they get there at 8 and 3? (assuming you don’t want to walk with them!)

@OrchidPetalsFalling

By obsessed I mean that from the moment they wake they expect and demand me to play with them. Setting out stuff isn’t enough I have to play it, and that onlyY can dress them, Fred them, drive them to school etc

It's normal for them to want to play with you though. The driving then to school and feeding them is obviously dictated by your circumstances. Dressing them? If they are capable but want you to dress them I would say it's just another way of trying to get some attention, if they need dressing because they struggle to do it themselves, again that's just circumstance.

@FTEngineerM he works a far more demanding job than me and is always tired in the morning.

@OrchidPetalsFalling

Okay so the8 year olds reseed himself but I have to find and encourage it all the way. I threaten to wake Daddy at that point and he starts to speed up!

Oh right; the issue is a your partner not stepping up, rather then your children being disrespectful.

What does daddy do that makes them "respect" him and listen to him?

By the way, being compliant doesn't always mean respect.

I mean that they have two parents and I’m not the only driving option.

I’m very bad at giving in to them and I know I can be a ‘yes’ person.

They both need some serious finding, supervising and for the 3 yr old dressing each morning. Is that not normal??

@claymodels absolutely not. He does a lot but he works massive hours

Pull back slowly, encourage independence because it will only get worse if they can demand your attention now.
The 3 y.o will demand a lot of attention but at 8 independence is important before they become sarky pre-teens.

Your DH needs to be more supportive, the boys are learning for both of you all the time and will continue to run you raged.
Dad needs to step in.
My OH is hands it but the DC never stop calling me either, I've learn to back away after lockdown they had me bending over backwards and they're okay now.
It is better for all of us.