To think my sons love me but don’t respect me?

[OrchidPetalsFalling]

They undoubtedly love me. They are 3 and 8 and are borderline obsessed with me!!

They just have no respect for me. I don’t shout at all but try the lowered voice, angry tone but they just don’t give a shit. When I’m disciplining them I have to resort to the ‘I’m going to tell your Dad’ shit and that makes them listen up.

What am I meant to do????!!!!

At 3 and 8 the concept of respect is mostly meaningless. Just keep working on being loving while showing them reasonable discipline.

If they don’t do what you say, then you need to come up with some real consequences - and stick to them. (“I’ll wake up your Daddy” is not a good one.)

You are undermining your own authority by deferring it to your DH. You need to decide on consequences and take action if they don't listen to you.

As others have said, you can also work on independence for both of them, at a level suitable for their age. So the 8 year old should be dressing himself without the need for supervision. The 3 year old can do some parts himself where he can, and have a try and things that are currently a bit tricky.

@AssassinatedBeauty I agree with every thing you’re saying. I hate the idea of deferring the discipline to a man but it’s me at the end of my tether that uses that lame line. It’s a last resort.

Agree that you are undermining your own authority by threatening to tell your husband. You're basically telling them that you can't deal with the behaviour so need your husband to come and sort it. Presumably they know your DH follows through with his punishments or whatever it is he does which is why they do what is asked.

You need to stop being a "yes" person as you've described and make simple punishments that you can stick to & follow through - even if you don't really mean it.

You have to be consistent otherwise they will just push and push until you give in, because they know that you eventually will.

Mine are adults who apear to love me in different degrees, one a lot, but even he seems to have gone off me now, but they don't respect me. I understand why, it is because I have never loved or respected myself. I have never been a confident mother, but I am quite sure that I have been an over confident wife.

I fight for respect from my other half nearly every day. I think he tries to respect me, but I only have 4 'O' levels and 1 GCSE (showing my age there), he went to university, his previous girlfriends mostly went to university, or had good careers, and I think that he can't help but judge peoples' intelligence on their academic qualifications. I, and my actions, are a running joke in the family, I laugh along with them - outwardly.

My sons and my husband are actually kind people, who would probably be shocked to know how I feel.

OP, please don't let yourself become me. Somehow make changes now, before it is too late. By the way, I was a SAHM, but I don't think you can infer anything from that, I am sure that most SAHM's don't end up like me.

Agree with everyone above, the second you say I will wake your Father you are informing them that he is in charge. It is a bit like when parents say I will tell your teacher x,y,z. It completely undermines you.

As for dressing a 3 year old, make it a game, I wonder if you can get dressed before I return, or set a timer with a generous time on it so he wins.

Set out expectations about what you want and tell them what the consequences will be. You are not at the 8 year olds beck and call to play games all the time and he can play alongside his brother. You have to know what their currency is, ie what matters to them. Is it a tv program, the park after school? They don't get those things if they do not do as they are asked.

You don't even need to threaten the 8 year old, just ask him what would happen in school if a teacher asked him to do something and he didn't? Usually miss a part of play time. He will know the consequence of that, so ask him what the consequence should be at home.

And yes, I have sons, one is 18 the other is 15. They absolutely respect me and do as I ask. I also volunteer in a school in key stage 2 so it isn't like I don't know what 8 year olds are like.

@HeartvsBrain I am sorry you feel that way. Maybe stop laughing along with it now and tell him to stop. I am a SAHM, I did go to university, it just means someone is academic in that particular subject, it doesn't necessarily make someone intelligent. I am sure your husband wouldn't take the piss out of anyone higher up than him at work if they haven't got a degree.

My Mum left school with 2 qualifications to rub together as she used to tell us. She as a grafter though, smart, just constrained by a 1950s education aimed at girls to turn them into wives. My Mum fixed the car in our house.

You are worthy of respect, your husband chose you, it doesn't matter who came before you girlfriend wise.

I have no advice, OP (although the how to talk so kids will listen book is supposedly brilliant).

If it helps, my mum always had to use the "I'll tell your dad" line with me, and I was certainly scared of him - but I didn't respect him as a child, and I definitely don't as an adult (I still struggle with being desperate for his approval, though - but I'm working on it!). But then again, my mum could be a serious "yes woman" and I don't really respect her either. It is a hard balance to find.

Thank you GiveItTillMarch.

You need to have boundaries, consequences, and you need to be consistent and stick to them. Otherwise they won't listen to you as nothing you say has any consequence and/or you say one thing but do another.

[quote OrchidPetalsFalling]@FTEngineerM he works a far more demanding job than me and is always tired in the morning.[/quote]
Nope, that’s not a reason.
Any parenting outside of work/commute is 50:50, having a job, even a ‘demanding one’ like raising children.
Please don’t settle and get him doing his share, I’m assuming you didn’t make the children alone?

Lots of good points.
I am always accused of giving in to them, especially the three year, and there is some truth in that. I give in because they grind me down too easily and I get lazy.

I agree with the pp who said that respect is a meaningless concept - certainly for the 3 yr old, and probably pushing it for the 8 yrs old.

I have two boys and I have never once had to threaten them with daddy: I’m scary enough 😂. It’s such an unfair thing to do to him, apart from anything else, forcing him into the role of disciplinarian. I’d be really pissed off if DH had done that to me any time he couldn’t get the boys to comply with whatever he needed them to do.

To make them listen: talk firmly and remove distractions. So if they are watching tv and you need them to get dressed, give them a warning that the tv is going off in t one minute then they need to come to the bedroom to get dressed. And follow through every single time. We has really strong routines for everything like this.

You're causing some of the issues here.

Stop threatening to tell your husband and follow through/give consequences yourself.

I would not worry about respect as such, but you do need to start parenting differently with firm boundaries and consequences. Kids don't get to decide who is driving them anywhere - I don't understand how this can even come about.
Treat the 8 yo differently to the 3yo - more independence, more responsibility and also greater consequences for not doing what they're meant to be doing. Natural consequences are best, not punishment for the sake of it.
Stop threatening with your DH and follow through the parenting decisions yourself.
The book pp recommended is a great place to start.

Sounds like the kids calls the shots not you! You haveto play, you people please them and say its drafted in when a foot needs to be put down. They don't respect you because you're a lovely doormat. Start thinking things like 'I call the shots' 'no means no' 'since when did you make the rules'... y'know get the voice going in your head, live it each and every time they will realise you mean business. This doesn't mean being nasty, you can love them to the moon and back a still be the one who says what goes.

You need to set rules, boundaries and consequences and be 100% consistent in maintaining these 100% of the time. If you are inconsistent they will be insecure and won't respect what you say. If you have been inconsistent in the past start enforcing the rules and boundaries from today. Tell them 'from now on we are going to do XY and Z in this way at this time' and do it. They will play up and test you. That's when you have to be strong.

@pregnantncnc

I have no advice, OP (although the how to talk so kids will listen book is supposedly brilliant).

If it helps, my mum always had to use the "I'll tell your dad" line with me, and I was certainly scared of him - but I didn't respect him as a child, and I definitely don't as an adult (I still struggle with being desperate for his approval, though - but I'm working on it!). But then again, my mum could be a serious "yes woman" and I don't really respect her either. It is a hard balance to find.

This is such a good point. My mum was super strict and doled out brutal punishments and I was terrified of her (still am and I'm a pensioner). However I didn't respect her (and still don't). However a lot of that was down to her very bad and unpredictable temper. If you stay calm you can be a loving parent with firm rules and boundaries without being a tyrant.

@OrchidPetalsFalling

Lots of good points. I am always accused of giving in to them, especially the three year, and there is some truth in that. I give in because they grind me down too easily and I get lazy.

Every time you 'give in' you are training them how long they need to Badger you to get what they want. Everything that's bothering you is right here in this post. Short term easy is just that, you might get a quiet life for 5 minutes but your kids will think you're a joke when you try to push back against this norm you're creating. You need to turn this around or parenting the teen years will be a nightmare, they'll laugh in your face and you will have taught them that.

I have a dead simple parenting approach which is that the answer is yes unless there is a good reason for a no, my no never becomes yes and if that word ever leaves my lips the kids just drop it because they know its a total waste of time even trying. We have a great laugh, share lots of fun, enjoy oodles of cuddles but the person in the driving seat is me (or dh). If I make a threat of consequences I always see it through. You need to be a rock not a leaf in the wind.

It really is about being consistent OP. Make it clear what the consequences will be for bad behaviour, give one warning, follow through every single time.

Yes unless there is a good reason for a no, my no never becomes a yes

100% agree with this

You don't need to shout or impose stringent punishments. Just decide what you expect and mean what you say. Don't give in and help if you have decided eg that one can dress themselves. Be patient, allow time for it to happen.

Don't respond to requests immediately. Say you'll do it when you've done x. Repeat instructions/ requests calmly until they are complied with. The 'broken record' technique is a useful one.

And do read the book suggested. Or other parenting books. There are lots of useful strategies you can adopt - find what works for you. It's always helpful to have something you can re-read when things get out of hand again.

Oh and don't use DH as a threat - that reduces your power. Use him as backup. That doubles your power.

3 year old will need some help dressing (but should be doing most themselves). 8 year old should not need any assistance bar maybe tying laces if they haven't learned. Next time tell them you'll be leaving at X time regardless of what they are wearing so the might be going to school in their pants if they don't get a move on rather than threatening with dad

@TopCatsTopHat

I have a dead simple parenting approach which is that the answer is yes unless there is a good reason for a no, my no never becomes yes and if that word ever leaves my lips the kids just drop it because they know its a total waste of time even trying. We have a great laugh, share lots of fun, enjoy oodles of cuddles but the person in the driving seat is me (or dh). If I make a threat of consequences I always see it through. You need to be a rock not a leaf in the wind.

I follow the same approach however my kids still badger and nag. Especially the 8 year old will go on and on and on. Grumps and whines. I've never changed my mind or not followed through with a consequence- not once but it's still not sunk in after all this time 🙃. Glad it worked out for you though