To think my sons love me but don’t respect me?

[OrchidPetalsFalling]

They undoubtedly love me. They are 3 and 8 and are borderline obsessed with me!!

They just have no respect for me. I don’t shout at all but try the lowered voice, angry tone but they just don’t give a shit. When I’m disciplining them I have to resort to the ‘I’m going to tell your Dad’ shit and that makes them listen up.

What am I meant to do????!!!!

Every time you resort to the “daddy line” you outright tell your kids that you are not important at all.

If you only implement one thing - make it stopping thar ridiculous line!

@OrchidPetalsFalling

By obsessed I mean that from the moment they wake they expect and demand me to play with them. Setting out stuff isn’t enough I have to play it, and that onlyY can dress them, Fred them, drive them to school etc

But this is disrespectful too They make you do things for them that they could do themselves, They tell you what to do And then you make it clear by threatening with dad that if they’re not in control, dad is, but definitely it’s never you.

You need to figure out why they want your help/attention/pandering so much, or if actually they like the feeling of being in control or if they feel they need to because otherwise no one is
Why isn’t your husband helping
And why do you think they respect him? Compliance isn’t respect, it could be fear

You can never give in... It's hard but if they know they can get you to give in, psychologically they are wired to try and get their way. It's a facet of human psychology. It's hard but basically if you know you're going to give in, say yes right away instead. And if you say no, it has to always always be no. Doubly so if they're used to you giving in... they will push HARD because they don't believe your no really means no. My mom often gave in to me and we had a very fraught relationship growing up. It's not good for you or them.

You don't have to be brutal to command respect but you do have to expect it. At 8&3 they won't know the concept but they would understand rules and boundaries.
I have always expected respect from my children (and in return they get mine, it's a two way street after all).
I have never, ever 'threatened ' them with their dad/teacher/any other authority figure.....I don't need to because what I say goes and they have known from being tiny that I won't budge!
Without being rude OP are you a push over generally or just with the kids?

Respect? Children that age don’t understand the concept of respect.

Stop treating yourself and your husband as separate units. If you feel the need to ‘threaten’ them with their father say “daddy and I need you to get dressed now”

Quite apart from the many other good points on here this is so unfair on your husband. You get to be fun mummy who lets them have their own way and he is the fun sucker.

Don't demonise daddy, it's really horrible. My DF was away all week working, the thought that he would come home and have to tell us off would have been awful for the whole family, he missed us, he wanted to come home and have us be pleased to see him.

TBH OP your family life with 2 young children sounds pretty normal, your children love you and want to be with you, if you remain firm and calm with your rules and expectations then they will learn and you will earn their respect as they grow older. IME respect from anyone in life has to earnt, you can't command it.

If you threaten them with their dad you are literally telling them that you are less authoritative and he is in charge! Not very feminist

Don't demonise daddy, it's really horrible.

Agreed.

When my dad got home on a Friday after working away, we would avoid him.

DM would have threatened us multiple times throughout the week as DC we knew Dad would roar, we'd beg DM not to tell instead of looking forward to him coming home, she rarely told him.

She should have dealt with it herself, it had an impact on our relationship with our Dad.

I'm the enforcement person in this house.

Threats are never a good idea. Carrots are better than sticks. Upthread someone said something about finding out what motivates them and using this as the carrot for getting things done. You'll need that approach when they are teens and trot out the "you can't make me" line. Then it boils down to money, lifts and internet access. For now it could be a game, snack or visit to the park.

I have two sons and have found the opposite - that it's easier to get their respect because even though dad can be more forceful if needs be, mum is the more unpredictable one so they don't wanna antagonise me. It doesn't require a lot of shouting and such, but I find it helps if at least once, if they push you too far and you go batshit, then it doesn't happen again. By batshit I don't mean aggressive or abusive, but some shouting and a flouncey doorslam and such - something akin to a minor hormonal rage - shocks them into realising that you're not some mild doormat type to be taken for granted, but that your kindness and devotion is by agreement and not to be fucked with, ha ha. Lays the foundation for a little bit of fear and a lot of respect, then you can get on with being loving and fun for the majority of the time and they don't take the piss. I also never use DH as a threat or back-up. That automatically gives him status and takes it away from you.