I’ve missed out on so much-men wise

[Pissingitdown]

Met dh at 17, had lots of flirty fun before that and slept with only one person, then Dh. Over the years until around 26, we were off and on sometimes and had a difficult, quite intense relationship. I slept with 3 more men in that time (when we weren’t together) not really one night stands, but also not properly relationships.
I’m now early 40’s and wonder how much I’ve really missed out on in life, having not been in more than one relationship all my life.
I also wonder about other men and how good sex may have been and how I might not really have experienced anything.

Aibu to feel that I may have missed out? Or is there not really that much to have missed out on…if that makes sense?

Does anyone feel the same as me at this age?

I feel all my hot body years and previous fairly good looks have gone. All those beautiful guys I missed out on 🤷🏻‍♀️

I suffered quite a lot of angst and disappointment as a singleton in my twenties, and made a fool of myself more than once. I wish I’d met my lovely current partner at 20-22. Playing the field is not fun, particularly. Regrettably, I “settled for” my ex husband because I didn’t want to be alone. This was horribly unfair on him.

Lots of the senior women at my workplace (London law firm) at the time were married to their university boyfriends. I envied that.

Dh is my second marriage and I've kissed a few frogs and escaped a few serious arseholes to get here.

Playing the field is not fun, particularly

Agree. I see my friends and colleagues do it. If I split up with dh, I'd stay on my own, or enter a Boston Marriage as discussed on another thread 🤣

That’s very average surely?

You’re definitely not missing out on much in terms of one night stands, they’re usually shite.

@Pissingitdown

17 was very young to settle down

Thinking of my Dd, I wouldn’t want that for her, I’d want her to live a little first, ideally 30 plus before settling

Have you seen all the threads on here from people wanting to settle down, start a family and all the good men are taken? A person leaving it until later because they've not met the right partner is one thing, but encouraging DD to not settle down until later because you're afraid she'll miss out could work out really badly for your relationship with her if she struggles to find someone suitable/struggles to conceive in her 30s. You sound like a typical mid life crisis. You'll be buying a sports car next!

@Pissingitdown

I mean, if you were single and settled down later, how was that? Do you have a really exciting life to look back on, full of stories, in that respect? Or is it really nothing like that?

I met now-DH at 26, and had 3 serious relationships as well as a lot of no-strings sex before him.

Are there exciting stories? Yeah, definitely, and some amazing memories.

But honestly, I think the only reason I wouldn't trade it all to have met DH 5 years earlier is that I know what I want from a relationship better because of that experience. Which I'm grateful for, but otherwise it wasn't always all that.

Because for all the excellent sexual encounters, there were far more awful ones. Plenty of time dating people who didn't give a shit about my enjoyment or feelings. A few broken condoms and panicked missions to get morning after pills. A lot of the 'real' one night stands, not the ones you see in films - two people who don't know each other or the other's body or likes, trying to figure it out pissed after a date, and not doing so well. Years of time feeling lonely because my pursuit of FUN EXCITING STORIES because "settling down was for boring people" meant I was dead against commitment to anyone, so the nice people I met I rejected for being too interested in something real, and going for the people who would treat me badly - because there was no risk of settling down.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time some of the time (and god knows 26 isn't old to have met your future spouse - there could have been plenty more of my Chaos Years)! But I would take knowing someone inside out, the solid, fierce kind of love I have for DH that comes from years together and weathering all kinds of storms any day of the week, over the stomach flipping feeling of finding a gorgeous stranger in a bar.

And the sex with someone who knows exactly what you want AND you love so much it feels like coming home? Nothing better.

All that to say - if someone said to me now I could go back and meet DH at I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I don't regret (most) of the wild years either.

@Dearblossom

My best sex came in my 40's with men in their 40's, you haven't missed out. They aren't in a rush ha ha and have skills. There's always more to explore sexually but you can do that with your DH. Shake it up.

Ooh yeah, the 40s surge is definitely a thing. I certainly felt it; unfortunately I was married to someone who didn't fancy me, so that hot bod honed by running 10km a day went to waste! Sexually, at least.

OP, lots of women would call you lucky for having met your DH early in life and sparing yourself the heartbreak of crushing on people who despised you, risking disease and feeling despair that your fertility and sexual market value were about to run out. You gained something huge versus, possibly, some brief experiences that taught you nothing and created unnecessary drama.

Having been where you are, can I suggest you look calmly at what other non-sex things you really need right now? It might be travel, sport, dancing or a new group of friends who light up your weekends. We can't always have the sex we want, but we can have other things that are just as exciting.

I'm 44 and this kind of thing is a classic mid-life thought to have. I don't have this particular one as I had quite a lot of (mostly awful) lovers. But I have other ones (can't think what offhand- oh one was to start getting occasionally broody, someone had a thread about that recently.) Maybe try something new with your husband if you feel like it? I don't think you've missed much except heartbreak and assholes.

I do have many stories to replay in my head- most annoying, some nightmarish.

I'm 100% having the best sex of my life now with DH of over 20 years and I would say I had about 8 years of being single (was in relationships for about 4 years in total) before meeting him at 27. I had a lot of 'experiences', most of them pretty shit and some bad enough to leave trauma, some of it felt like fun at the time but it all seems a bit sad and pathetic looking back tbh. I have a lot more respect for myself now that's for sure and I'll take proper intimacy with someone I love (and still fortunately fancy the pants off) over the sort of encounters I had in my 20's every time. It's ironic that I'm physically the most flabby, saggy and out of condition I've ever been and yet I've never felt sexier.

@Pissingitdown

I’m not unhappy, but I’m wondering if I did miss out on a few more flings or actually relationships and if that would have enriched my life. Nearly all my friends have a much higher number, back mainly from being number and 5 seems so small in comparison

I guess I wonder about all the different lives I could have lived, if that makes sense?

It's highly unlikely. Don't idealise "what might have been". Having other relationships doesn't guarantee that those men would have been great sex partners who would have enriched your life. More likely they'd have been average in the sack and left you disappointed.

I think you're viewing your "imagined past" with rose coloured glasses. Most of us who had multiple former relationships would attest to the fact that previous boyfriends were nothing special .

I had dozens of former relationships / one night stands and most of them are embarrassing to think about . I wouldn't give you sixpence for any of them.

I was too busy studying to be a nurse, then deciding it wasn’t for me and retraining and relocating cities twice to bother much with men. I remember being pursued by a few guys at university and I just found them bloody irritating. I started dating DH at 31 and we have been together 24 years. I couldn’t think of anything worse than multiple boyfriends but that’s because I have hardly ever see a man I would consider partner worthy material at all.

I've had 2 romantic relationships 1 my first love and the second my husband. I had 5years between the two and in that time I had work traveling studying and working I had a few men that I went on dates with but no one serious and actually I never looked for it at all. I think you are definitely looking at it through rose tinted glasses it could have been hell🤣🤣

Honestly you’ve missed nothing and gained a lot. You have a loving solid relationship, shared memories, trust between you. You haven’t had to face the turmoil of break ups, the realisation you’ve been dating someone who isn’t for you.
Carefree sex isn’t all it’s made out to be in movies or magazines!

As a single 32 year old, I’d swap in a heartbeat for the “experience” you feel you’ve missed.

Hope that gives you some reassurance

I wouldn't say you've missed much but have to say I'm glad I had my own crazy year aged 49-51 (ok bit more than a year). I did learn a lot sexually from quite a screwed up start. There were also some very meh or bad experiences. I had some casual sex when I was 20 or so and it was all terrible, genuinely without exception, and probably sent me the wrong way into relationships. I think if you have a decent sexual relationship with your partner now, you're missing nothing. Bear in mind that even in my craziest casual sex periods I will have had far less sex than a very average couple who are together.

If there's something you'd like to try, suggest it to your partner. If it's novelty you're after, well it's out there but it gets old pretty fast.

You’re far more experienced, compared to me OP. I don’t feel I missed out On experiencing more men. I couldn’t sleep with anyone I’m not in a relationship with though so I suppose that narrowed down my ‘pool’

As pps have said, there might be something lacking in your relationship which you can improve.

I do wish I’d travelled more before children or achieved more with my career but I can still do both now.

I was with my first husband for 22 years, from age 17, married at 22, I thought we were happy, but he met someone else. So at 44 I had my teenage 'wild years', at first I had to get past the fact that I had never had sex with any one else, like it was a hurdle I needed to get over. Once that was done it felt thrilling for a short time, but actually after 6 months or so I started to feel jaded and sick of the constant let downs and disappointment, and thought I would give it up and get a dog for company. I met my second husband at that time, he wasn't a disappointment or unreliable, and we we got a dog together. However I still feel that dating and having sex with lots of men is not all it is cracked up to be, I found it dispiriting, even degrading and it didn't make me happy. I was also surprised at just how many men had sexual hang ups and problems.

I met DH at 17. I did have a few sexual relationships before that as i started quite early, but none that lasted very long.
I dont feel like i missed out at all. Im just happy that ive found my person so early in life. Watching my friends date through their 20s trying to find love and even worse now in their 30s gives me some perspective i think.
DH and i have had ups and downs, but im generally very happy in my marriage. I think if youre feeling like youre missing out, then maybe somethings missing in your relationship?

I would say you're unfulfilled if you're feeling like that. I've been with DH since a teenager and not been with anyone else at all, I genuinely feel lucky to have met someone I love so much so young and have been able to grow up and build a life with him. It feels like such a privilege so few experience and I love the simplicity of it without the complications of exes etc. I honestly have no desire to experience anyone/thing else. We've always been hugely supportive of each other and never held each other back, even if it meant us being thousands of miles apart for a time. I don't think our relationship would have the intimacy and closeness it has if it was in a different context, but that's just how life panned out for me, I didn't plan and not saying it's right for everyone!

I don't understand how a relationship "tied you down"? I studied abroad, went to university hours away, DH took jobs abroad (still does), and we've done a lot of travelling together (and apart). We've both strived for our ideal careers. I can't think of a single thing we'd have done differently if we didn't meet so young, he's a life companion, not a ball and chain!

I didn’t meet my partner till my early 30s. I had an amazing twenties but not cos of men. I travelled, went to endless gigs and festivals and enjoyed my friendships and found out who i was ( cheesy but true).

I didnt have loads of relationships and had a couple of flings. But at times I was jealous of you or those like you with long term relationships and husbands. Plus some men are knobs!

Grass isn’t always greener.

OP when I look back at my single years, which included most of my 20s, it’s not the dating and the casual sex that I remember with fondness. It’s other aspects of my life. Travelling and holidays with friends is a big one. Also I really enjoyed my work at that stage, and being single meant I could gladly accept all the overseas projects and even spent a couple of years living in the US. I may have done some of those things if I was in a relationship but it probably would have been harder to make it all work.

You're not missing out on anything.
I had my fair share of cock in my youth.
Probably your fair share and half of MNs fair share and it's really all much of a muchness.

I feel a bit like this

Between 15 and 18 I slept with a handful of boys (all shit sex and all dickhead) I Got with xdh at 18, also a dickhead, split at 26. (Should never have got married)

Got with now DH at 28, I'm 42 now and we are still really happy. So while I wouldn't change getting with him, tbh sometimes think I really missed out on my 20s as spent them settled down with my first H not shagging around and having fun .
But then if I had of done that I may not have met DH or had any of my 3dc (got one with dh1 and 2 with dh2)