Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend doesn't see what he's doing wrong

61 replies

RedBalloonCrescent · 19/11/2021 22:09

Best friend has no children by choice. I have two. We are in a social group made up of mostly couples. One couple recently broke up, I am close to the woman as we had our DC's at the same time. She is genuinely a lovely, fun and kind person.
Her dp just moved out, six months after the birth of their first child. He was constantly drinking and not taking part in family life. She wanted to make it work, he didn't.
My best friend see's nothing wrong with his behaviour, when I asked her if she had seen him and whether he was going to try again, she just said 'oh he's not been happy for ages' and that they would both be happier apart. I pointed out that it might be slightly easier for him to be happier, back in his mums house, down the pub every evening compared to my friend who is now raising two kids on her own and on mat leave.
We agreed to disagree and I thought it wouldn't come up again but tonight she sent me a pic, completely out the blue, of him and her (and others) drinking in a bar with the caption 'out with this hero' I feel so angry that she doesn't get why I'm not his biggest fan and why I'm not 'celebrating' this man being free of his responsibilities?
My best friend and I both have shit dads who continually chose booze over family life whilst our mums raised us, working full time stressful jobs and it's made me see her differently that she's on his side.

OP posts:
PissyMum · 19/11/2021 22:11

Yeah, that’s pretty shit of her.

TempName01 · 19/11/2021 22:15

Sounds like she is seeing him

Original poster
RedBalloonCrescent · 19/11/2021 22:17

@TempName01 nah she's not.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 22:19

How’s she raising two kids alone if he moved out and it was just after the birth of their first. Where did the second child come from, whose is that?

BackBackBack · 19/11/2021 22:20

My response to her would be. I think he's a fucking selfish dickhead rather than a hero, but you do you.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 22:22

Did she have a child to a previous relationship ? Where is that kids father?

How old are they and how long have your friend and rhe bloke she’s just split with been together?

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 22:22

Also was the baby planned? If he’s not been happy for ages?

LadyCatStark · 19/11/2021 22:23

[quote RedBalloonCrescent]@TempName01 nah she's not.[/quote]
Are you sure?? 🤨 sounds suspicious to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/11/2021 22:24

Did you ask why she thinks he’s a hero?

For binning off family life? Or something else?

She’s a dick. If she’s posting that somewhere his ex can see it she’s not someone who deserves your time.

jushysh · 19/11/2021 22:29

@Bluntness100

How’s she raising two kids alone if he moved out and it was just after the birth of their first. Where did the second child come from, whose is that?
Yeah, that doesn't make any sense OP
RockNRollMartian · 19/11/2021 22:39

You can either ignore her or tell her again that you don't like the way he treated his wife/partner and don't want to see or hear about him again.

Honestly, though, even if he were still with his wife/partner and living up to his responsibilities as a father, what exactly is 'heroic' about having a drink with friends? Confused

Your best friend sounds immature and not very bright. Does she not remember how it was to have an absent father? I'd also suspect that she's interested in this man and is choosing to ignore how crappy he is.

Choice4567 · 19/11/2021 22:43

@Bluntness100 the friend that broke up doesn’t have 2 children. The OP mentions her own 2 children. Friend has 1

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 22:44

She specially says I pointed out that it might be slightly easier for him to be happier, back in his mums house, down the pub every evening compared to my friend who is now raising two kids on her own and on mat leave

Choice4567 · 19/11/2021 22:45

@Bluntness100 nope my mistake. I’ve re-read it. Apparently friend is raising 2. Sorry about that.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 22:46

Yes so there is another kid, that also seems not to have a father involved and that isn’t this guys.

Original poster
RedBalloonCrescent · 19/11/2021 22:46

I'm going to stand up for my friend here and say she is definitely not interested in him, she's very happy in her relationship.

I wonder if this is one of those situations where having children changes your perspective. Without children, if you're unhappy, of course you can split, move out, move on. When it's six months since you made a huge commitment to someone and you know that you leaving will cause them hardship and your children hardship, I feel that's different.
My friends first born is going to be devastated, and likely will have lasting damage due to the suddenness of the departure. It's a sad situation all round, definitely nothing to be celebrating in a pub. Even as a bystander.

OP posts:
elessar · 19/11/2021 22:52

@RedBalloonCrescent

I'm going to stand up for my friend here and say she is definitely not interested in him, she's very happy in her relationship.

I wonder if this is one of those situations where having children changes your perspective. Without children, if you're unhappy, of course you can split, move out, move on. When it's six months since you made a huge commitment to someone and you know that you leaving will cause them hardship and your children hardship, I feel that's different.
My friends first born is going to be devastated, and likely will have lasting damage due to the suddenness of the departure. It's a sad situation all round, definitely nothing to be celebrating in a pub. Even as a bystander.

Or maybe it isn't about having kids or not having kids, she just has a different perspective on it to you?

On the surface of it, and based on how you've described it - yeah it sounds like this guy has done a shitty thing. But perhaps from his point of view there's another side to the story that you don't know or you're not portraying here.

Maybe your other friend knows that and supports him.

Or maybe he's a dick and she's got no moral compass. But I don't think you can just link it to whether or not you have kids!

thefirstmrsrochester · 19/11/2021 22:53

So they have a child together, and he has a child from a previous relationship that he’s walked out on too? Your friend is well rid if that’s the case.

Your BF surely can see that, if not I’d be reconsidering the friendship.

CherryPieface · 19/11/2021 22:55

I don’t have children and have complete empathy with your friend and think she’s been left in a terrible situation. You don’t need to have kids to be a decent person! As for your friend out with ‘the legend’, well she sounds like a dick.

Coyoacan · 19/11/2021 22:57

I don't think anyone benefits by people staying together for the children. If he is not paying maintenance and spending time with the children, that would be thoroughly reprehensible

Howshouldibehave · 19/11/2021 22:59

Where’s the other child come from?

PinkWednesdays · 19/11/2021 23:08

It’s also very possible that his version of events is very different to your friend’s version, hence why she doesn’t see any issue in being friends with him

RobertaFirmino · 19/11/2021 23:22

I need to unravel this a bit. Can I confirm the following:
Your best friend is childfree
Another friend has two children, one is 6 months. She's split with the 6mo father, who is not the father of her oldest child.
6mo father has not been happy 'for ages'
He now lives with his DM and is in the pub every night
We do not know if he sees the 6mo or if he pays maintenance
Your best friend has posted a group photo of herself, the 6mo father and other people on SM
Your other friend is now raising two children alone as opposed to just the one before she got together with this man.

Have I got this all right?

HousethatChunkbuilt · 19/11/2021 23:25

@RobertaFirmino yes that's it.

BurntO · 19/11/2021 23:25

She’s a pick me girl. Let her carry on.