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Original poster

Friend doesn't see what he's doing wrong

61 replies

RedBalloonCrescent · 19/11/2021 22:09

Best friend has no children by choice. I have two. We are in a social group made up of mostly couples. One couple recently broke up, I am close to the woman as we had our DC's at the same time. She is genuinely a lovely, fun and kind person.
Her dp just moved out, six months after the birth of their first child. He was constantly drinking and not taking part in family life. She wanted to make it work, he didn't.
My best friend see's nothing wrong with his behaviour, when I asked her if she had seen him and whether he was going to try again, she just said 'oh he's not been happy for ages' and that they would both be happier apart. I pointed out that it might be slightly easier for him to be happier, back in his mums house, down the pub every evening compared to my friend who is now raising two kids on her own and on mat leave.
We agreed to disagree and I thought it wouldn't come up again but tonight she sent me a pic, completely out the blue, of him and her (and others) drinking in a bar with the caption 'out with this hero' I feel so angry that she doesn't get why I'm not his biggest fan and why I'm not 'celebrating' this man being free of his responsibilities?
My best friend and I both have shit dads who continually chose booze over family life whilst our mums raised us, working full time stressful jobs and it's made me see her differently that she's on his side.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2021 23:37

I don't believe anyone has to stay in a relationship if they are truly unhappy. Not even for the sake of the children. So if he truly wasn't happy, the right thing to do was to leave before things got really ugly between him and his wife and/or he decided it was ok to cheat.

However, he does have responsibilities to his child(ren). That includes regular maintenance payments and sharing parenting responsibilities (ie access visits). And treating their mother with courtesy and in a spirit of parental cooperation. If he's doing all that, then he is being a 'decent man'.

He's not a 'hero' unless he's recently pulled someone out of a burning building or rescued trapped kittens or puppies from a storm drain.

amusedbush · 19/11/2021 23:37

@BurntO

She’s a pick me girl. Let her carry on.
100% - it's giving serious pick me energy. Cringey!
NewlyGranny · 19/11/2021 23:40

I don't think hero means what this friend thinks it means, somehow. Unless he's served his country with distinction or nursed or driven an ambulance through Covid or similar and you haven't told us. 🤷🏼‍♀️

CiaoEB · 19/11/2021 23:44

Yeah I agree. She must be calling him a hero for some specific reason, what’s that about?

RockNRollMartian · 19/11/2021 23:48

Agree with PP that you don't really have to have had children to understand that he's taking the easy way out. Of course he can split from someone if the relationship isn't working, but it sounds like the main reason it wasn't working was that he wanted to continue to behave as though he had not parental obligations or responsibilities. Not admirable, definitely not heroic. He sounds like a useless excuse for a man, and I wouldn't respect a friend who couldn't see that. (Regardless of why she can't see it and whether or not she's attracted to him.)

HousethatChunkbuilt · 19/11/2021 23:48

@AcrossthePond55 I agree to a certain extent. But to decide you're not happy six months after your baby was born, eight months after proposing? That's not long to talk things through, make compromises, see if things improve. Especially when things are so up in the air and you're adapting to being parents together. I wonder how many women leave their partners when they have newborns? It seems to be so one sided.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/11/2021 00:10

@HousethatChunkbuilt

I see what you're saying, but we don't know what preceded the proposal and the marriage. I think the problem is that we only have one side of the story. Just saying we don't know his side, he really could have been unhappy much longer than just the new parenthood time. Or maybe he's just a real shit. I'm not saying that the wife is 'less than she should be' or anything. We really don't know her side, either. And no matter what the story, she's ending up with the majority of the 'burden' of family life, I'm sure.

My 'view' comes from my cousin's marriage breakup. Her ex cheated on her and left her with 2 small children after 5 years of marriage and two rounds of marriage counseling. He finally told her he'd cheated because he'd been unhappy pretty much from 'day one' and that he'd never really wanted to marry her but felt 'cornered' into it. She acknowledged that after dating for 2 years and feeling ready for marriage she told him basically 'shit or get off the pot'. His fault was that he was too much of a coward to just tell her he wasn't ready to marry and let the chips fall where they may. I'm not saying the cheating was 'justified', absolutely not! But if he'd have been a real man he never would have married her in the first place.

Either way it's tacky in the extreme for anyone to be posting 'happy drunk' pictures of him where the wife or someone close to her might see them. Really tacky.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2021 00:51

My friends first born is going to be devastated, and likely will have lasting damage due to the suddenness of the departure

But that makes no sense, the first born is six months old, you specifically said their first child, so if the first born is six months they won’t know any different, so why’s she raising two kids, are you saying he’s abandoned his own kid with her too.

This makes no sense at all.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2021 00:53

[quote HousethatChunkbuilt]@AcrossthePond55 I agree to a certain extent. But to decide you're not happy six months after your baby was born, eight months after proposing? That's not long to talk things through, make compromises, see if things improve. Especially when things are so up in the air and you're adapting to being parents together. I wonder how many women leave their partners when they have newborns? It seems to be so one sided.[/quote]
Where does it say he proposed? The whole thing makes no sense.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/11/2021 00:55

I think men (I should say parents, but it is nearly always men) who walk away in the when they have a young baby are fucking pathetic, selfish losers who are prioritising their own immediate comfort over their responsibility to their dc.

I don't think I could honestly look at someone who had done this, I would be so disgusted with them.

Kanaloa · 20/11/2021 01:00

People are always posting stuff like that. This ‘hero.’ Surely to be a hero you need to save a bunch of kids from a burning building or something, not go to spoons. Although I had a Burger King today so I suppose that makes me a hero.

Kanaloa · 20/11/2021 01:00

But anyway you don’t need to agree with this woman. You can just ignore the picture and ignore her altogether. I agree she sounds like she’s all over him and desperate to excuse him for no reason.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 20/11/2021 01:03

I guess her mindset is that if you aren’t happy, you are entitled to leave. But morally, when you choose to have a baby then that needs to come second for at least a couple of years. Many people find having a baby incredibly difficult. Very few women leave their baby because they decide they preferred life with more sleep and less stress (even though that might be true!). It’s reprehensible to leave the mother of your child shortly after having a baby, bar extreme/criminal behaviour on the women’s part.

2pinkginsplease · 20/11/2021 01:24

I’d text back saying Hero’s don’t leave their wife and their children!

IncyWinceySpiderWillies · 20/11/2021 01:37

Why do you keep calling the child their “firstborn”?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/11/2021 01:47

Your best friend having no children will mean that she has no real understanding of how your abandoned friend will feel having to raise 2 children without the help of a useful partner.

The drunken ex of your abandoned friend is no hero, that's for sure. He's a standard irresponsible waster. I don't understand why your best friend is sticking up for him either, she sounds like she's fallen for any lines he's spun about how his ex (abandoned friend) was so mean and expected so much of him and he turned to drink and now he's moved out because it's better for them all that they don't see him that way - maybe because she DID have a drunken loser father, she thinks that's why he is a hero? Because he's not inflicting his drunken loserness on the kids on a daily basis?

Either that or she's just spectactularly lacking in empathy and just likes having another mate to go drinking with, not giving a shiny shit about him abdicating his domestic responsbilities.

It would make me think twice about her (best friend) as a person, I have to say.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/11/2021 01:52

@Bluntness100

My friends first born is going to be devastated, and likely will have lasting damage due to the suddenness of the departure

But that makes no sense, the first born is six months old, you specifically said their first child, so if the first born is six months they won’t know any different, so why’s she raising two kids, are you saying he’s abandoned his own kid with her too.

This makes no sense at all.

I believe that the abandoned friend has another older child, since the OP said they had their DCs together (and OP has 2). The 6mo would be the ex's first child with abandoned friend - but he then obviously isn't the father of the older child.
me4real · 20/11/2021 02:02

'out with this hero'

@RedBalloonCrescent WTF? Is she one of those women that has to try and be 'one of the lads?'

She’s a pick me girl.

@BurntO Yep, sounds like it.

unname · 20/11/2021 03:15

You friend doesn’t share your values.

She’s also purposely goading your by sending you this picture, knowing how you feel about it.

I would distance myself from her and lower my expectations.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 20/11/2021 03:29

@BurntO

She’s a pick me girl. Let her carry on.
What’s a pick me girl?
cookiemonster2468 · 20/11/2021 04:32

There is no point worrying what someone thinks of someone else, you can't do anything about it.

You can tell her what you think and that you disagree but this is actually all subjective. Getting too invested is just futile.

If you want to be her friend then be her friend. If you don't then don't. But there is no point trying to change the way she thinks about another person.

cookiemonster2468 · 20/11/2021 04:34

My friends first born is going to be devastated, and likely will have lasting damage due to the suddenness of the departure

At six months the child will not really know any different.

There would certainly be lasting damage if an alcoholic father stuck around. Sometimes leaving is actually the right decision for a child.

Aprilx · 20/11/2021 04:37

@RedBalloonCrescent

I'm going to stand up for my friend here and say she is definitely not interested in him, she's very happy in her relationship.

I wonder if this is one of those situations where having children changes your perspective. Without children, if you're unhappy, of course you can split, move out, move on. When it's six months since you made a huge commitment to someone and you know that you leaving will cause them hardship and your children hardship, I feel that's different.
My friends first born is going to be devastated, and likely will have lasting damage due to the suddenness of the departure. It's a sad situation all round, definitely nothing to be celebrating in a pub. Even as a bystander.

I had a feeling when you said in your first post “no kids by choice” that you wanted this to develop into a people with no kids have no empathy conversation. 🙄
CatonMat · 20/11/2021 04:40

I'd find it quite hard to put to the back of my mind and continue to be good friends with her.
Not so much the fact that she is out and about with him, but that she seems to be making some sort of "point" about it.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 20/11/2021 05:21

@Bluntness100

I’m glad someone else confused by this post

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