Fat comment by MIL

[Anoart1]

Really down at the moment. Mixture of things but most recent: MIL commented that as I’m so fat now (I’m size 12) I should give her my really nice dresses as I will never fit into them again. She wants to give few of them to my SIL (SIL is older and has more than enough money to buy herself a few dresses). I politely told MIL I will lose the weight it’s just I haven’t really tried. Her response was “no you won’t, DC is nearly 2 years old now and you still fat”. I was really upset and spoke to DH whose response was well she’s right and no point keeping clothes you can’t wear anymore. Not to drip feed and give all the facts she gifted some of these to me on my wedding day as per tradition so it’s a done thing not her being “nice” it’s tradition. But I have never heard of a MIL asking back for them! My sisters think it’s hilarious of her asking and DH is not supportive. They are my clothes after all and I feel weird giving them away as MIL has decided I will never fit into them.

I wouldn't want them any more but would be getting rid so that she couldn't have them.

@Mybalconyiscracking

Why not try “I will decide what I do with my own clothes thank you and I would appreciate it if you did not make personal remarks” You have this woman in your life for years, absolutely stand up for yourself.

This. they are your clothes now don't even think of giving them back.

Size 12 is not fat. You are not fat.
Your MIL and husband are a pair of twats

Give them all back to her then use your DH’s credit card to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes. In a size 12.

Does anyone really believe this is about OP’s weight? Rather than contempt? I think you have the age old DH problem - he should be telling his mother she is not welcome in the house until she apologises and changes her attitude.

@PingedPotato

Can you divorce your husband and be done with both of them?

Best suggestion so far imo.

I’m not sure I’d want dresses that seem to come with so many invisible strings attached. I’d be tempted to give them to the nearest Oxfam shop and tell MIL she can buy them back if she’s so keen - and contribute to a good cause at the same time.

It is odd though that she's so attached to them. Are they family heirlooms or did she sew all the sequins on them by hand?

And never mind lock the wardrobe door. Change the locks on the front door and never let her in the house again.

My first night out with my husband a few weeks after our second child was born.

My mil (babysitting): you might as well get rid of all those dresses now, you'll never get back into them.

Kicked my eating disorder right back into the centre of my life. Six months later I was back to a bmi of 17 and have spent the last 8 years struggling with anorexia and bulimia

She knew my history.

Fucking thanks, you spiteful, nasty bitch. She can't resist eating all of her husband's chips and all of my kids' puddings, so likes to take it out on me instead.

Sorry you have a similar one.

Gosh I could not live like that. Either your husband needs to start supporting you and stop shaming you or you need to get rid.

Your mother in law would simply not be a part of my or my child's life. If she cannot show any respect for the child's parents then she should not be allowed access to the child. Think of the damage she can do drip feeding to a child that mummy is fat etc.

Oh and lock the clothes and anything else away. I'd say take away her keys but I guess your husband won't stop that. No way would I put up with anyone going through my house and taking what they want.

@MrsJBaptiste eh? Life is what you make it. Allowing trash people in your life obviously makes it harder. Ffs, it’s not a difficult concept.

I'd go differently.
I'd put on my most concerned voice "oh my gosh mil, I've been thinking about what you were saying. I didn't realise what you were trying to tell me at first. I had no idea sil was struggling for money! Of course she can have my old dresses. I'm so sorry for not getting the hint! I'll have a look to see if there's any other bits I can give her. Thanks for letting me know. I'll give her a call and see if there's any way I can help, family absolutely must support each other when times are hard, oh, someone's at the door, got to go, again thank you so much, I'll drop the dresses to sil and have a chat with her, byeeee"

Oh my god ignore them all and do what is best for you and f* them. If you do want to lose weight try intermittent fasting - loads of helpful Facebook groups on it xx

I wish I was a size 12.
But I am sorry my husband would not let his mother speak to me like that.

You need to stand up for yourself Op. Stop letting your MIL control you.

Can you sell them on eBay and build up your running away fund?

Bag everything up and take it to a friend's until after her visit. Tell everyone that they've gone to the charity shop.

Size 12 is not fat in a million years. I’m guessing this is partly a cultural issue as I have friends who are expected to bow down to their MILs (metaphorically speaking) and had to basically act as the live in help for many years until they could establish their own household away from MIL.

Don’t know what the answer is, as am assuming you can’t just tell her to f-off. It’s really sad and disappointing that your DH isn’t sticking up for you and is actually agreeing when YOU ARE NOT FAT! So in that sense it seems like you have a DH problem, sorry

@Anoart1

Really down at the moment. Mixture of things but most recent: MIL commented that as I’m so fat now (I’m size 12) I should give her my really nice dresses as I will never fit into them again. She wants to give few of them to my SIL (SIL is older and has more than enough money to buy herself a few dresses). I politely told MIL I will lose the weight it’s just I haven’t really tried. Her response was “no you won’t, DC is nearly 2 years old now and you still fat”. I was really upset and spoke to DH whose response was well she’s right and no point keeping clothes you can’t wear anymore. Not to drip feed and give all the facts she gifted some of these to me on my wedding day as per tradition so it’s a done thing not her being “nice” it’s tradition. But I have never heard of a MIL asking back for them! My sisters think it’s hilarious of her asking and DH is not supportive. They are my clothes after all and I feel weird giving them away as MIL has decided I will never fit into them.

@anoart1❤️ This isn't about your mother in law changing but you deciding what you are no longer available for. What I hear you saying is that you can only react in this relationship, which means your boundaries hold no value with your MIL and family. You can decide to change your habits and set your boundaries starting today.

What will you no longer tolerate? make a list - weight, clothes and other topics. see your current self (really down) and your future self (happy)

Tell her you are not available to discuss your weight or clothing. Tell her that if she crosses your boundaries you will stop it; hang up the phone, walk out the room, not invite her to your home, ask her to leave. (and then of course you have to follow through). . keep conversations light, don't entertain bullying, speak your mind and stand firm.

It will be hard at first because they will react to you behaving differently, but that's their problem not yours. Instead of reacting, acknowledge how you are feeling, and then ask yourself "is this feeling mine'? No, it's their bad energy, not mine. You choose how you want to feel, and that no one can make you feel anything you choose not to. close the conversation down or redirect your energy. In this case it might be "MIL I hear and understand what you're saying but it isn't helping me so I'm going to change the topic."

Start drawing boundaries over and over again. It's a skill. Be on the look out for when they do cross the line and ask yourself how did that happen? and what was going through my mind? Know that you are not responsible for your MIL thoughts or your family getting upset. Don't let them guilt trip you or gaslight you. After a time or two they will start to respect your boundaries. By the way, if there's something more going on that's physical, financial or coercive then check if you're in an abusive relationship with Women's Aid

@Offmyfence

I'd rather fucking bin them than give them back....

Do not allow her to look through your wardrobe

As for your husband, he'd be in the bin with the dresses.

As for your mum, she'd also be with them

Third point all the way.

Both your MIL and your husband are horrible people. There's no way your MIL should be speaking to you like that, and for your husband to agree with her, well that's just as bad. Is this a family that you want to continue to be a part of? I'd wager that this won't be the last time they belittle and insult you, as that seems to be the accepted norm. You're worth more than that.

I’m not sure I’d want dresses that seem to come with so many invisible strings attached. I’d be tempted to give them to the nearest Oxfam shop and tell MIL she can buy them back if she’s so keen - and contribute to a good cause at the same time.

Ah, I like that suggestion. Win-win for everybody except MIL.

It is odd though that she's so attached to them. Are they family heirlooms or did she sew all the sequins on them by hand?

She's not attached to them. It goes back to your comment about the attached strings - that's what she's after. It's not about clothes or weight, not really, it's about keeping the OP in her place by grinding her down.

If you have bit tried to lose the weight I'm assuming your happy as you are in which case you won't fit into the dresses again no point keeping them if you don't want to lose the weight especially if your sil will get some use out of them (seen as keeping them in the family is part of some tradition)
2 years is a long time to have not tried to lose the baby weight yet unless there is an underlying issue?

But she is definitely rude I would give her them all back and tell her to fuck off I bet she's not perfect

Why would you even consider doing what she tells on this or anything?

Is this an Asian/Arab culture where you’re expected to be close to your in laws? The gift of clothes is not traditional in the UK.

My sister went up to a size 12 after 3 babies but she did lose it all again slowly but effectively. She would have been really sad if she’d given nice clothes away.

@Anoart1

Thank you both. Didn’t add but my own mum things MIL is right and it’s no point keeping clothes I will never get into again. The thing is I haven’t even tried dieting. I’m 2 dress sizes from what I was before DC, I don’t know why they keep making me feel like I can never be what I was. It’s actually making me eat more!

You know what they are saying to you is not ok?

I’m a size 18/20. Still keeping clothes from when I was a size 14 in the loft as they are my clothes and I do what the fuck I like with them.

Size 12 is lovely and they all need to fuck off. Please try and stand up for yourself or you will be that poster in 20 years saying the same stuff and being miserable.