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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not quite understand this dig at me

79 replies

Zaplollies · 18/11/2021 22:16

It might not even have been a dig but,

My partner had a new female colleague at work who he got on with, he thought I would get on well with her too as we share a hobby and he suggested the 3 of us meet up outside of work, which I said I would be happy to do.

She got promoted and moved to another dept so he doesn’t work with her anymore but kept in touch a bit via text.

It never seemed to happen as apparently she would take days to reply, but he mentioned I would be coming and she asked when was best for me etc.

Anyway still didn’t seem to get planned. He went out with different colleagues to a restaurant and bumped into her and her friends, apparently she seemed drunk.

He said that he said to her “We should get that meet-up sorted soon”, and apparently she replied, “Oh and that will be alright with Zap will it?” In a sort of sneery way, and smirked.

I felt a bit hurt when he told me that, it seemed like a dig at me but I’ve never met the girl apart from saying hello once. It’s great that he wanted to invite me, he often invites me to stuff like that, I told him that he didn’t have to but I do appreciate it.

I’m probably overthinking

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 18/11/2021 23:48

This all just sounds like hard work. Friendships just aren’t meant to be that complicated. Just forget about her and move on.

Dancingonmoonlight · 18/11/2021 23:53

Tbh it sounds as if she thinks he is into her. Is he?

They don't work together and he keeps suggesting meeting up. She keeps suggesting you go too. She keeps talking about another male colleague.

He needs to leave her alone.

FortunesFave · 18/11/2021 23:56

Maybe she thinks your DH fancies her and is sick of him trying to arrange a meet up. I'd be a bit weirded out too.

midsomermurderess · 18/11/2021 23:58

@MasterBeth

How anyone knows what the fuck she was thinking through a third hand report on Mumsnet, I’ll never know.

Absolutely. This is all quite odd, asking strangers on the internet 'what does this mean?' No lack of takers though.

QuinceTamarillo · 19/11/2021 00:06

It's impossible to interpret because there are too many variables. He's told you his view of a short, unexpected public interaction with this woman. He doesn't even know what it meant, so how could you and how could anyone on MN?

Based just on his reporting of her actual words (tone is subjective, and it sounds like he doesn't know her well, and she was possibly drunk, and she may have been performing for other people present) I'd think she thought YOU had been avoiding the proposed meet-up of the three of you. Based on everything else you've said here, I'd think she was friendly with him and thus potentially with you when the two of them worked closely together, but now that she's moved departments she's less interested in socialising with him outside of work and probably more focused on her current friends/close colleagues. I'd let it go - both the comment/interaction and also probably the meet-up. No real harm done.

Courtier · 19/11/2021 00:07

She just means a married man having a drink with a female colleague. Oh your wife will be ok with that will she?

As in some wives would be unhappy about it. I wouldn't take it seriously, it was meant to be a joke probably and she was drunk.

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2021 00:15

@Zaplollies

I’m ashamed to say but I’ve read the texts on Facebook and it does seem like she wasn’t keen, first time didn’t reply as at a wedding that weekend, second time couldn’t meet as she was ill, then they almost got somewhere and she just didn’t reply, although she sent a text out of the blue saying she was sad they didn’t work together anymore. To be fair each time she did ask if I was free too and what was best for me so maybe I did misunderstand

It does sound a bit like he's pestering her and she's being as polite as possible tbh.

I'd be very surprised if it wasn't her who suggested you come along in the first place, rather than him.

It's the sort of thing I'd do if I wasn't 100% sure whether a colleague was hitting on me. I'd invite his wife to indicate to him in no uncertain terms that I was not interested at all.

Werehamster · 19/11/2021 13:54

I think he should be careful. If he is just trying to be friendly then fair enough, but texts can be easily misinterpreted. He needs to consider that this is a workplace and she may feel hassled by him.

If I were him, I'd remove her from social media and keep texts as work only.

Lavender24 · 19/11/2021 14:01

I think your partner should stop pushing the issue when she doesn't seem keen and you should just forget about it.

Lavender24 · 19/11/2021 14:02

Also don't take it too personally because I think if a colleague wanted me to meet up with them and their partner out of work and hang out just the three of us I'd probably feel a bit awkward about it.

IncompleteSenten · 19/11/2021 14:04

I don't think she was sneering at you.
I think she thinks he fancies her and his repeated attempts to socialise with her are because of that. She may even think that he'd arrive on the day/evening with an excuse why you suddenly couldn't make it

yikerspipers · 19/11/2021 14:11

Sorry IP, but I think he fancies her and she knows it and wants him to back off.

gwenneh · 19/11/2021 14:13

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

Option 1: she fancies your partner and was annoyed you'd be at what she hoped would be a private meet up.

Option 2: Your partner wants you to think that option 1 is happening in order to make you jealous.

Option 3 (by far the most likely imo) : there was no sneering or weird digs in the first place, she was a bit drunk and your partner just misread her tone of voice, everything's fine and you are both way over thinking it.

Either way, probably time to just let the idea of meeting up go. It obviously isn't going to happen naturally so no need to turn it into a drama.

Option 4: she doesn't WANT the attention from him and is making a pointed reminder that your DP is not single.

DrSbaitso · 19/11/2021 14:14

Why has he told you, and why do you give a shit?

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/11/2021 14:17

@Zaplollies

Apparently she was really keen to meet up with their other male colleague though, so my partner didn’t understand why she was so keen to meet up with the other colleague but not him

He doesn't need to understand it

. He needs to accept it and leave her alone

Bloody weird to keep chasing her after that.

Sally872 · 19/11/2021 14:17

She was drunk. Tone may have been unintentional.

You weren't there maybe dh has misread situation.

Don't overthink it. She never became a friend and now isn't even a colleague of dh so no loss.

Eastridingclub · 19/11/2021 14:18

Not a friend.

I think she's disappointed that your DH doesn't want to do this alone with her, and would prefer a scenario where you had a problem with their friendship.

You actually should have a problem with it because of her attitude. She's dangerous.

fairydust11 · 19/11/2021 14:29

@Zaplollies

Apparently she was really keen to meet up with their other male colleague though, so my partner didn’t understand why she was so keen to meet up with the other colleague but not him

So it sounds like she might want to get to know another man from work, but your husband is pushing to meet too? Why? They don’t even work together anymore. Are they that close? From everything you’ve said there may be mild flirtation from her with male colleagues & the comment about you was a slight dig wondering why you need to be there? In my opinion & from what you’ve said I don’t think she wants you there. I could be wrong though. I’d be wondering why he is so eager to meet her with you in the first place instead of just as a group of colleagues going for a drink after work.

YouokHun · 19/11/2021 14:59

@HeddaGarbled

Sounds more like she was having a dig at him - pissed off with him persistently trying to arrange out of work meet ups when she’s been trying to avoid it.

Exactly what I was about to say. I think your DH is being a bit of a nuisance possibly when she is maybe ambivalent. I think she’s saying “is your persistence OK with Zap because it’s getting a bit trying/I’m not sure of your motives Mr Zap”.

That’s my take on it based on what you’ve said @Zaplollies

IncompleteSenten · 19/11/2021 16:32

How on earth can people read the ops posts and possibly think this woman is interested in the ops husband?
She couldn't be more clear that she doesn't want to socialise with him if she hired a bloody sky writer and had them scrawl leave me alone into the sky over his house!

Sandinmyknickers · 19/11/2021 18:58

It sounds like you and DH are pestering her...if she keeps not responding to requests to meet up, maybe she was just being polite in the first place and now they no longer work together, stop badgering her to meet up if she doesn't want to!

NeverChange · 19/11/2021 19:01

I'm reading this very differently.

He's suggested several meet ups which she has blown off.

My reading of it is that she isn't interested but thinks his is. I think she is passively aggressively reminding him he has a wife by mentioning you in that manner.

I could be completely wrong.

5128gap · 19/11/2021 19:07

The dig is at your H. She wanted to go with the men on her own (women probably never like her!) and he suggested taking you. She's implying he's under the thumb. Doesn't mean she fancies him just doesn't want a woman around is my best guess.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 19/11/2021 19:36

Why is your DH so persistent in getting all 3 of you to meet? Strange

MauraandLaura · 19/11/2021 19:39

@HeddaGarbled

Sounds more like she was having a dig at him - pissed off with him persistently trying to arrange out of work meet ups when she’s been trying to avoid it.

THIS!!! Bloody hell OP, I think you should both get the picture here...

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