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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum said I put too much worry on her

57 replies

oranges5556 · 18/11/2021 21:31

When I was 18 or 19, I did admittedly used to share a lot of relationship drama with my mum. One day she had a word and said I needed to stop putting so much emotional baggage onto her and it was too much for her. It really affected me and I’ve felt I can’t share any problems with her ever since. My mum is a strong, calm, resilient person, much more so than I am. AIBU or was my mum?

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 18/11/2021 21:36

Your Mum is strong, calm and resilient because she has firm boundaries, sets limits, picks her battles. Being resilient doesn't mean she's able to soak up all the drama you want to share with her.

Do you have other people you can talk about that kind of stuff with? Can you be more selective about what you share?

ANameChangeAgain · 18/11/2021 21:42

If you are just using her as a sounding board then i think its unfair. I have close family from whom I have heard the same moans and dramas time and time again. Its draining. I offer advice on how to cope, change things or a way out, but there is always an excuse/ reason why it can't be acted on, and so I have to listen to the same moans the following visit. If I try to change the subject its always pulled back around to them and their dramas, so it feels like a one sided relationship.

SoniaFouler · 18/11/2021 21:42

How old are you now? It makes a difference if this was 6 months ago or 6 years ago.

FortunesFave · 18/11/2021 21:43

Just because she's your Mother doesn't mean she's a garbage disposal for all of your issues in life. Harsh but true. She's her own person with rights and needs.

legalseagull · 18/11/2021 21:44

I think what she's said was strong and fair by the sounds of it. I'm sure if you went to her with an 'actual' problem it would be different to teenage drama.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 18/11/2021 21:48

I think at 18/19 your mum was unfair and I will be happy if my dc of that age can talk to me. At that age they are still very young and parents’ role is still very much a parenting one. A young adult should be able to rely on their parents for emotional support.

Original poster

oranges5556 · 18/11/2021 21:52

Thanks for the comments - good to have a reality check. I’m now 40...! And have never shared any problems with her since that time. However, I’m currently struggling with some major life issues and was wondering whether to confide in her again.

OP posts:

Tee20x · 18/11/2021 21:54

I think she probably didn't want to be roped into teenage relationship drama. You say you used to share a lot with her - what does that mean. Daily discussions about the relationship? Too much detail? Random things that she didn't really need to know about?

I'm sure if you had an actual problem like PP had said she would be happy to help.

Original poster

oranges5556 · 18/11/2021 21:55

Thinking about it her comment did make me grow up a bit at the time. But on the other hand, I feel like I need to constantly pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t always.

OP posts:

honkytonkheroe · 18/11/2021 21:55

I really couldn’t imagine ever saying that to my children. It’s odd to not want to be sure your kids are ok and do anything you can to support them.

Fomofo · 18/11/2021 21:56

I think your mum was a bit rude actually, just listen, I would never say that to any of my kids

Original poster

oranges5556 · 18/11/2021 21:56

Daily discussions about the relationship? Too much detail? Random things that she didn't really need to know about?

Yes, regular (daily or every other day) phone calls whilst I was at uni.

OP posts:

TheresACrackInEverything · 18/11/2021 22:03

Maybe she was having an off day? Or had her own worries? She may regret it now. She wasn't necessarily saying 'never ask for my help again'. Time to heal the rift?

claymodels · 18/11/2021 22:06

That's a long time not to have had a chat about it. Maybe she was having a bad day and just didn't want to hear it, or maybe she was uninterested, although it could be that she had her own stuff going on and didn't have room for your emotional baggage too. Whatever it was, why in earth have you not discussed it over the last 20 years?

BruiserWoods · 18/11/2021 22:09

My dd 18 does this about everything and i do find it overwhelming. I try to give her advice that will help her get perspective, detach a little, tell her sometimes things are challenging etc

My own mother is repulsed by perceived weakness in me even if its not weakness, even if its just being able to identify and articulate the difficult emotion in feeling, she wants me to shut up, talk about the weather, the garden.

Trying to connect with my mother makes her ANGRY.

Ive only been able to put my finger on what the problem is in the last 5 years.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 18/11/2021 22:12

Yes, on one hand you probably needed to grow up a bit. Do you think you were a dramatic sort? Has that changed at all over the years? Do you have other sounding boards? But on the other hand, I cannot imagine a mother I know who would say something like that. If your relationship is generally good, I guess I would not read too much into in, just assume she was having an off day. But if it is constant lack of support, that is more of a reflection on her.

spotcheck · 18/11/2021 22:13

Gosh, at 19, I can't imagine saying that to my child.
Do you think perhaps she was having issues in her own life?

Has she ever encouraged you to share since then? I imagine she really really regrets saying that.

dustofneptune · 18/11/2021 22:15

Personally, I think her wording was harsh, if that's what she said. I think it's pretty damaging when a parent tells their child (of any age) that they are in some way "too much" for them.

It's difficult to judge the whole story without way more context. Is she otherwise loving, kind, supportive? Is she generally cold, distant, detached? Does she make conversations about herself? Or does she take a genuine interest in your life?

Have you ever spoken to her about it? Honestly, I think it's as simple as saying, "Many years ago, you said this to me, and since then, I've held back from telling you anything. Now I'm going through something and I want to share it with you, but I don't know if you want that." And then just let the conversation flow from there.

Ragwort · 18/11/2021 22:16

I think phoning your mum daily when you were at Uni to discuss relationship issues is a bit much ... I was at Uni decades ago, pre mobiles and we had to queue for the pay phone to make our weekly call home ... I now have a dear friend whose 25 year old DD is really very draining and expects her mother to be available whenever she wants to call ...ignoring the fact that my DF has her own life to lead.

There's obviously a balance between being supportive and being taken for granted ....

Original poster

oranges5556 · 18/11/2021 22:29

Thanks @dustofneptune, that sounds like a good approach.

She’s otherwise been a good mum - she calls a spade a spade but is kind and supportive.

I was a bit of a drama llama in my teens!

OP posts:

Blondieg · 18/11/2021 22:30

Perhaps some of your problems should have been discussed with your friends, did you not have any? every other day is a bit too much drama for even a patient person

InTropicalTrumpsLand · 18/11/2021 22:38

Sometimes the opposite happens between my DM and I, you know. She has no filter and will talk AT me (and at my DF, at my DB, etc) for hours if we let her for the most inappropriate thing, such as her latest period and what it looked like. Not to mention the comments "oh, if that happened I would kill myself" and "this makes me want to slash my wrists" wenever her depression is acting up. It's maddening, and she does make me worry too much about her.

I have to say though, large life changes DO lead to asking parents for advice, so I'm puzzled to her answer. Does it lead to the type of action that would induce worry, such as moving away?

blueshoes · 18/11/2021 22:39

At 18/19, you were calling her everyday. If you wanted to unload some issues after more than 20 years, I think she would cut you some slack, so long as you do not call her everyday to rehash old ground.

I do think it is unkind of her to say to the 18/19 year old you that you put too much on her. I would love for my dd to unload and tell me what is on her mind but my dd is probably a completely different kettle of fish.

TheCheesyBakedBeanGetsGlam · 18/11/2021 22:47

21 years ago your mum said something. Maybe she meant it, maybe she was just having a bad day. I doubt she even remembers saying it. It wasn't the best, nicest thing to say. 19 year old drama llamas can be draining though! I'm sure she didn't mean you to never be talk to her about any problems again. Maybe the time now is to move on from the past, and start to have a more open relationship. You are not the same person you were then, and not is she. It was half your life time ago, and a good chunk of hers

SoniaFouler · 18/11/2021 22:50

40!! OP, that isn’t just a world of difference, but a whole universe. I’m not talking about the time between the two ages, I’m talking about the maturity and emotional development between being a teenager with teenage dramas and being an adult with a fully developed brain who has problems. I honestly thought you were going to respond saying you were 22/23. By your own admission you were a drama llama and calling her every single day. I’d have been sick of that and told you to leave me alone too. I would be a lot more tolerant of helping someone if they approached me with a problem that wasn’t constant daily teenage drama. So confide in her, for your own sake. Besides, she’s had a 22 year long break now, I’m sure it won’t tip her into that mindset instantly again.

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