Mum said I put too much worry on her

[oranges5556]

When I was 18 or 19, I did admittedly used to share a lot of relationship drama with my mum. One day she had a word and said I needed to stop putting so much emotional baggage onto her and it was too much for her. It really affected me and I’ve felt I can’t share any problems with her ever since. My mum is a strong, calm, resilient person, much more so than I am. AIBU or was my mum?

So you were away at uni phoning home everyday to offload and moan? Think most parents would have said then same to you at that age

Thanks for the replies - it’s helped a lot to get some outside perspective on this!

So you recognise that her character is one that calls a spade a spade but have been hurt by her not wanting to listen to your daily relationship issues to the extent that you haven't felt able to approach her with other issues for 20 years?

You say that otherwise she's been a good mum and is kind and caring so I'm just wondering why you've let this affect you to such an extent?

Surely you can understand that someone complaining about something and being dramatic on a daily basis can get tiring and is totally different from serious life problems...

My mum said the same to me when I was 23. I was having a horrible time at work and called her crying every night until one day she answered the phone, heard me cry and said “I can’t take much more of this”.

We’re still close, but from that moment I did feel my “rock” of a strong mum had gone. I had to start thinking about whether or not my problems upset her in a way I never had done before. Maybe that’s all just a part of growing up into an adult?

Anyway from then on I cottoned onto the fact that my mum is a massive worrier, and if I’m not happy neither is she. So I don’t share any worries with her or go to her for comfort any more. It’s quite lonely sometimes. But I suppose it’s what we do for people we love

I would be honoured if my children shared their troubles with me and would expect more drama when they were younger
I would love to be a source of strength and comfort

Thanks @nohouseyet, I can relate to a lot of your post.

You say that otherwise she's been a good mum and is kind and caring so I'm just wondering why you've let this affect you to such an extent?

Good question - I think it has affected me because I felt very upset about it at the time. And every time I’ve wanted to share a problem with mum since, that conversation has come to mind. So even though it happened a long time ago, it’s still fresh in a way.

Honestly OP, nicely, you need to get past it.

My mum is similar to yours from what you say - she has had a tough life in many ways, cracks on, doesn't moan. Also v honest, sometimes blunt. Sometimes she will be quite direct - when I had what I now suspect was PND, she said sthg like "for goodness sake, don't be silly" about some fear I had. So, I don't always share.

But that's fine. It's not the way she does support. She does help with childcare, lend me her tools, give me a hand with projects, advise me when I ask, go for a walk with me, and so on.

She's just not big on talking about feelings. Some.people aren't. My mum, and I suspect yours, would still help in a heartbeat if I was really distressed.

Even your reaction shows how much of a drama lover you are.

You were a teenager at uni and you called your mum every day to offload about relationship drama? I'd have told you to quit it as well. Who had relationship drama to talk about every day unless they love creating drama?

And now look. She said something 21 years ago because you were being draining and it was too much, and now you wont tell her anything. Do you know what that is? That's drama.

It's like, "well fine then. I'll just never say anything again." That's what children say.

I'm sure you must be able to admit that your behaviour as a teenager was over the top if you had drama to discuss every day, and to make someone sit and listen to that every day would have been exhausting. It is entirely different from chatting with your mum about real issues and real problems. But she asked for a bit if space and consideration so you threw your toys out the pram and 21 years later, you're still holding a grudge.

It is time to grow up. If you have something you need help with then talk to her.

@Thelnebriati

Your Mum is strong, calm and resilient because she has firm boundaries, sets limits, picks her battles. Being resilient doesn't mean she's able to soak up all the drama you want to share with her.

Do you have other people you can talk about that kind of stuff with? Can you be more selective about what you share?

I find this quite a strange response in the context of a mother/teen daughter relationship. It sounds like you're describing the OP's relationship with a boss!

I can understand why that sting and why it changed your behaviour towards your mum @oranges5556.

Sometimes we pick up on things that deeply affect us and I wonder if the reason why some comments cut deeper than others is because they represent a broader feeling you had about your relationship with her?

If your mum is the type to call a spade a spade then she would probably appreciate direct honesty from you. Tell her what you wrote here: Thinking about it her comment did make me grow up a bit at the time. But on the other hand, I feel like I need to constantly pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t always.

Ask her if she wants you to pretend everything is ok all the time or if she is ok with you telling her when it isn’t.

Maybe (I’m only speculating here) she’s ok with you sharing your problems but not ok with hearing every tiny detail of the problems at great length. She can still be supportive and helpful without having to know every tiny detail.

Even your reaction shows how much of a drama lover you are.

I don’t think I am like that anymore though. I’m too exhausted for one!

Sometimes we pick up on things that deeply affect us and I wonder if the reason why some comments cut deeper than others is because they represent a broader feeling you had about your relationship with her?

That’s an interesting one - I will sleep on it.

I understand what you mean about reflecting back to the comment made when thinking about whether you should share things with her.

But at the same time, are you able to take on board what everyone is saying. Do you recognise that it can be draining for someone to hear about endless problems everyday especially when they're things that in the grand scheme of life may appear insignificant? Perhaps the way she phrased it hurt your feelings but if she never said anything and let you carry on would you ever have stopped?

The reason I ask is because there js a great difference between "mum x said this to me and he's just being really annoying bla bla bla" to something like "mum I'm worried about this lump I've found on my breast" - extreme examples but obviously there is a clear difference between these issues.

Maybe you should have an open discussion with her about it. I have a feeling she may not even remember saying it to you and that she didn't say it maliciously.

@oranges5556

Daily discussions about the relationship? Too much detail? Random things that she didn't really need to know about?

Yes, regular (daily or every other day) phone calls whilst I was at uni.

If you were giving her too much detail, it might have been a way to get you to dial back the drama? Or the gory detail?

I am surprised you still seem to have an issue with this.

My mum always said I could tell her anything but some things aren't appropriate, especially for an 18 year old in a relationship!

Now she's an age that I don't want to worry her about anything really, but if you have something important to tell her, and she's an age and stage she can cope, then I wouldn't let this historical comment hold you back.

Agree with pp, people can be helpful without hearing the minute details.

As someone who has been a family members emotional dumping ground it is hard. It's wearing and you worry all the time and constantly think about them.

You can still talk to your mum just not about every single thing that happens. And remember to ask her about her problems and chat about happier things too.

@oranges5556 Just a thought, do you ask your mum how she is? Do you show an interest in her life and listen to her? It really does need to go both ways.

could it be a case of you telling her of a problem you had that day like a fall out with a couple of other women in your group , your mom as sat worrying about you at home and then the next time you speak and she asks you about the fallout and you say oh it was nothing were ok now
your mom as been worrying about you all night

You admit you were a drama queen, you were ringing her everyday to moan about relationships.

Honestly, I don't think she was wrong. I would talk to her if she remembers it could be that she was having f a bad day or week and couldn't listen to the same thing. Or maybe, something more like your moaning wasn't helping you. Nothing was being resolved, you weren't learning and instead of her saying 'you need to sort yourself out and stop moaning and actually do something' , she went down the route of putting too much on her. Maybe she wanted to snap you out of this cycle.

Maybe she thought if you did this with other people else well you would push them away and was trying to remind you that relationships are reciprocal.

Maybe it's non of the above. But she has been a good mum and just once she to you something you didn't really want to hear and 20 years later its impacting you still.

Do you think that's because deep down you know she was spot on? Often when something is pointed out, that's true, that's not the most flattering trait it really impacts you. I am guessing it's either that, or that that's the moment you realised that your mum wasn't just someone who was there for you she was her own person with needs and its the first time she expressed it

My kids think I'm strong and resilient and compared to many, many people on here I am! However the last 2 years have been hell for various reasons and I'm struggling. I haven't had the patience I normally would and have dropped the ball more than once. I have apologised to the kids but my point is your mum is a human being and probably had her own shit going on. Give the woman a break, everyone is allowed a bad day and for you to still be thinking about it twenty odd years later boggles my mind.

As the DM of an over emotional 18yo who has left her school friends behind, is lacking new friends a bit and has more sense than to dump everything on the boyfriend, my main role is a sounding board.
I would never tell her not to dump on me, although it does get wearing.
She is negotiating such a lot of hard new stuff, talking is how she worries it all out. I’m a grown up, I can handle it.

@Mybalconyiscracking

As the DM of an over emotional 18yo who has left her school friends behind, is lacking new friends a bit and has more sense than to dump everything on the boyfriend, my main role is a sounding board. I would never tell her not to dump on me, although it does get wearing. She is negotiating such a lot of hard new stuff, talking is how she worries it all out. I’m a grown up, I can handle it.

I think it depends on your personality though. I'm naturally anxious and I'll be honest, sometimes I want to run away. I have two teenage DDs and the amount of emotional crap I have to support is sometimes too much. I literally fantasize about running off ...for a year maybe. Then I come back to reality and realise their Dad wouldn;t cope. It would be terrible and we'd all miss one another...but it is a LOT when you are anxious by nature.

One of my dc did this, not about a relationship but a situation he wasn't happy with.

It's one thing asking for specific advice, which I'm sure your mum (and myself) were happy to give. But ringing daily, and just offloading all your thoughts, is just overwhelming. My dc used to message me constantly (he was at uni) and it got to the point where my heart would sink every time my phone beeped.

The problem is, as a mother, you tend to feel like you have to fix everything, so when someone bombards you with problems it can really take it's toll. There's a thread on here from last week entitled "are you only as happy as your unhappiest child" or similar. It's worth a read.

I'm sure if you have problems now that your dm could help with she would be happy to listen to you, but don't use her as an emotional dumping ground. If you just need to sound off, why not do that to a friend who doesn't have that emotional connection and won't feel like she has to solve your problems...or use Mumsnet!

The thing is, relationship dramas at that age can feel huge, and it’s normal to want to talk a lot about them- I remember feeling like that BUT generally spoke to friends rather than my Mum. I think it’s easy to forget how intense those feelings can be, when you’re older it just seems like drama for the sake of drama- so to your Mum, you were talking about things that she felt really weren’t the end of the world, on a daily basis, and she probably did get a bit fed up with having to listen and give advice and worry about you. So to her, she was saying ‘this thing that you talk about daily REALLY isn’t the end of the world and you need to either sort it or move on’- I’m not saying I agree with the way she said it (though you did say it made you grow up a bit so it wasn’t all bad!), but I imagine she was talking about teenage angst issues, and would welcome you talking to her now about something that’s worrying you.

It can be absolutely draining to be a sounding board for other people's emotions. I'm constantly piled upon for emotional support by my family members and it utterly exhausts me. I quite admire your mum for having firm boundaries.

I'm sure you can still share with her - but in a reasonable way. E.g. asking her first if she has the capacity to handle it.

My mum is a strong, calm, resilient person, much more so than I am.

Yes she may be this, or may appear to be this. She may not actually be as strong, calm and resilient as you think. May be she finds stuff like that hard to cope with but she just manages to hold it together and remain composed.
I'm like this, outwardly strong and cool as a cucumber, if people really knew what was going through my head half the time they'd be shocked. I just know how to manage it, but I to will let people know when its getting to much and they like you can find it perplexing as i seem to cope with everything. Everyone has their limits even those who appear sturdier than most.

Two decades have passed and you clearly need her at the moment. Don't let a single comment define your relationship. What a waste. Reach out to her and share your problems. I'm sure she'll be the rock you need as she was the million times you needed her in your teens. She only commented once. Why not focus on the times she supported you instead? If you can't remember the content of those conversations they clearly weren't helping you move forward. So go in with realistic expectations and make room for her feelings too. She may not be able to fix things but I'm sure she'll listen.