Mum said I put too much worry on her

[oranges5556]

When I was 18 or 19, I did admittedly used to share a lot of relationship drama with my mum. One day she had a word and said I needed to stop putting so much emotional baggage onto her and it was too much for her. It really affected me and I’ve felt I can’t share any problems with her ever since. My mum is a strong, calm, resilient person, much more so than I am. AIBU or was my mum?

I’m the mother of 2 DC in their early 30s and yes, honestly, sometimes I don’t want to hear about the latest problem. I don’t have a partner or a mother of my own to offload to, so I end up carrying it all myself, and I have my own problems. I raised them mostly by myself and it was hard work. Now I’m getting older I really just want a stress free easy life.

It actually feels good to be able to say that here because I could never say it to them. When they come to me with a problem I patiently listen, offer advice if I can. But it does take its toll on me. Obviously if they needed help I’d happily give it, but I don’t need to hear every problem! It is wearing.

I’m a couple of years older than you so would have been at uni around the same time, and it would have been quite unusual for someone to be calling their mum every day - mobile phones were new and expensive, and most people called once a week. I think we were expected to be more independent than teenagers are today! Your mum may have been expecting a break from the daily drama and a bit more space for her ‘new life’ after you had flown the nest.

@Meruem

I have dd16 who is either ignoring me or piling her emotional stuff on me. I listen and try to give advice but I'm a dinosaur and find it hard to relate and give appropriate advice, especially when she's taking at me 100 miles an hour. Quite often it ends with us falling out as I don't say what she wants and she gets cross. I'm much better just sympathising, giving a hug and making her a cuppa.

I've started saying 'What do Amy and Emily think about that?' to try and encourage her to talk to her friends more as I think it's healthy for her to have friends she can confide in. I won't always be here and want her to have others she can confide in. Maybe that's what your mum was trying to do but in a very ham fisted way, op. I'm sure she didn't mean for you to never confide in her ever again.

I’m surprised at the responses here. I have 3 children; the oldest 2 girls are 20 and 17. The oldest in particular comes to me for support with pretty much every worry. It’s the way she is. I am honoured that she chooses to confide in me. And whilst I am trying to support her in developing her emotional resilience (she was very sick for a few years and that partly accounts for her need for reassurance), I never resent her needing me.

My own DM died in July. She was my trusted confidante throughout my life and, whilst it’s not at all the only thing I miss about her, I do really miss her wise counsel. She was very frail physically in the last couple of years. And we couldn’t have outgoings together. But she always made time to listen to me.

I do think providing emotional encouragement and support is the role of a patent throughout a lifetime, if possible. It doesn’t stop when a child reaches 18. In my view your mother was harsh to reject your needs at so tender an age.

I hope you are able to turn to her now.

I can see this from both sides. I talk to my mum every day more or less, or every two days, and she calls me if I don't call her, she in turn talked to her mum every day as well. So, we have a lot of contact compared with some mums/daughters.

Equally, I don't think that offloading at someone continuously is ok, if you were crying/distressed about relationships pretty much all the time, that doesn't suggest a healthy coping mechanism and so it may have been sensible of your mum to say- I'm finding this a bit much.

My children turn to me a lot and sometimes I don't quite have enough energy and resilience to deal with it and I think it's ok to let them know that. I'm there 90% of the time, but mums do have to look after their own wellbeing and also make sure that the support they offer is actually helpful and not just perpetuating the problem.

I would definitely turn back to her now- but surely there's a middle way between sobbing every night, and having some less dramatic conversations in which you tell her how things are for you right now. If she seems resistant or not listening or overwhelmed, you have your answer, that's not something she can do. Equally, it might be she has time and capacity now.

Mums aren't just support services for other people, they are humans in their own right and can't just be expected to suck up any amount of shit we throw at them, so I don't think she was necessarily wrong all that time ago to say she was getting overwhelmed.

I'm seen as a strong, resilient person in my family. This has meant I'm often the person that friends and family turn to for offloading their problems. It does get really exhausting and sometimes I wished that at least some of the time, they might at least TRY to resolve something for themselves instead of always leaning on me. I have got much better at drawing boundaries around this in the last couple of years. It sounds like maybe that was what she was trying to do?