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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish DH would stop commenting on other women

92 replies

burntoutandhungry · 18/11/2021 20:17

We have two kids. 4 and 8 months
I'm quite overweight.

All DH or should I say DUH talks about is other woman. For example.

"Have to admit when I saw the interviewer I got nervous, it was like looking at you 20kg ago"

"Did you see that woman's behind?"

And it's constant when we are out, inside. After 5 years it doesn't even make me jealous anymore it just exhausts me.

When I pull him up, he says "if your insecurities are bothering you, do something about it!" So I said "well I could go gym in the evenings but when you come home from work you go out to see your friends and when you come home I'm up all night with the baby anyway breastfeeding" then we have a massive argument where he's basically gaslighting me that I'm jealous but I'm actually not at this point.

I have to leave right?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 18/11/2021 23:56

@samthebordercollie

His comments are vile. OTOH if my DH put on 20kg I wouldn't be happy. But there are kinder and more subtle ways of getting the message across.

If he had put on 20kg because he’s had a baby and has a partner who doesn’t support -just makes undermining comments but goes out evenings so he can’t get to the gym and doesn’t help wiht nights so he’s too tired to anyway and brings home cake and criticises him if he doesn’t eat it… then he should leave you too. (Ignoring the fact men can’t have babies, that was a totally unfair comment given there’s quite a bit of context been provided)

Veryverycalmnow · 19/11/2021 00:00

I realised the other night that most comments I make lately when watching telly or a film are about the plot/ story. Most comments DH makes lately are about a female character's appearance. Just things like, 'Oh I thought she looked nice then, but then I saw her from a different angle...' It really worried me that he seemed focussed on looks, so I had it out with him and he was really embarrassed and gutted. I genuinely don't think he realised he was saying some of it out loud! He apologised and we've moved on.

However your DH seems to be directing the comments at you and being an arsehole. I'm sorry he's being so so shit.

irrate · 19/11/2021 15:48

@Capferret

You have an 8 month old baby. It takes time to get back to pre birth weight.

If you want to lose weight do it for you.
And if your dh makes more comments like this give him a hard stare and tell him not to be so rude.
And don’t be guilted into eating food you don’t want.

Capferrt I hope you aren't being serious! You must be one of those women who can snap back into thier pre pregnancy jeans 2 minutes after the birth....real life isn't like that you know🙄

Op ditch the dead weight he is a gaslighting asshole and he won't get any better!

Anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 19/11/2021 15:59

Ugh. You're not married to my ex are you?

He started out like your husband, getting worse and worse as time went on and as the weight piled on, the emotional abuse escalated.

When I left him, his parents had the gall to say "he only abuses you because he's worried that you're so overweight and you'll die"

Run. Don't walk.

Double3xposure · 19/11/2021 16:02

@samthebordercollie

His comments are vile. OTOH if my DH put on 20kg I wouldn't be happy. But there are kinder and more subtle ways of getting the message across.

If my husband had just gone through pregnancy and childbirth and was now up all night breast feeding my baby I’d be a tad more sympathetic and supportive.

amusedbush · 19/11/2021 16:04

He's negging you to keep his boot on your neck. By comparing you (negatively) to other women, being disparaging about your body but then guilting you into overeating, he is trying to keep your self-esteem low so you don't leave him.

He sounds like a fucking waste of organs, if you ask me.

SarahJeffers341 · 19/11/2021 16:08

Omg please leave. You do not need that shit! What an utter bastard!

Merryoldgoat · 19/11/2021 16:11

I’m massively overweight. It’s horrible. I’ve put on a lot since being with my husband.

He expresses concern.
He supports me
He encourages me
He has never compared me unfavourably to another woman

Your husband is a prick.

RudestLittleMadam · 19/11/2021 16:12

Get rid of that fucking cunt of a man. He’s deliberately making you feel shit about yourself and preventing you from making changes- which you should do for yourself only, no one else and especially not him. Your life would be happier if you weren’t with him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/11/2021 16:12

I'm guessing his dad is an absolute cunt too then?

999caffeineplease · 19/11/2021 16:20

@irrate what was wrong with what @Capferret said?

OP, leave while you still have some self esteem

Echobelly · 19/11/2021 16:24

Yup- get out, it's not even about the other women, it's about his basic lack of respect for you, both in terms of talking about your weight and pulling his own!

lockdownalli · 19/11/2021 16:25

He's a gaslighting manipulative arsehole.

In your shoes I would be getting legal advice and taking it from there

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2021 16:26

He's quite happy to have sex with you, but doesn't want you being able to lose weight because he wants you to have your self esteem knocked, be dependent on his validation and that way you're unlikely to have the confidence to leave his abusive ass.
This is all about him trying to destroy your confidence when you're at a vulnerable time in life. Sadly men like this often strike when their partner's have recently given birth.

You're worth more than this OP.

Myotherusernameisbest · 19/11/2021 16:50

He's is a horrible person, what a twat.

Tell him you have been thinking about it and you have decided he is right and you will be losing some weight.
How much does he weigh? because that's the exact amount you will be losing.

Lavender24 · 19/11/2021 16:52

OP this is emotional abuse. Please leave this cunt.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/11/2021 17:52

He sounds vile OP.

I can guarantee you will not regret leaving.

Best of luck.

sjxoxo · 19/11/2021 18:03

Actually on reading your first post I think he’s very very insensitive and behaving diabolically. I wouldn’t leave just based on that. BUT then I read the rest of your posts!!! Shocking. The sex and the lack of support re healthy eating and then the belittling- enough to justify leaving. Good luck op. He’s not a partner and he’s not on your team xxxx

SueSaid · 19/11/2021 18:08

He sounds awful has this just started, did he used to be loving and supportive? I'm presuming he must've been for you to have 2 kids with him.

Tell him to leave if he won't change back to how he used to be. Also though you don't need to go to a gym on an evening to lose weight.

Begrateful · 19/11/2021 18:14

He sounds damn awful!

NeverChange · 19/11/2021 18:33

He doesn't want you to lose weight. If it did, he would certainly be more supportive and wouldn't be feeding you cake.

It sounds like manipulation. Your weight it's the issue here. It's about him making you feel shit about yourself.

I can guarantee you if you lost weight, he would start telling you look gaunt or boney or something else to put you down.

I think it's more important you get rid of him than get rid of an extra weight

wolfmom · 19/11/2021 18:39

Tell him he's right, you do need to lose some dead weight, around whatever he weighs then enjoy your life without the vile creep

MilduraS · 19/11/2021 18:42

When I pull him up, he says "if your insecurities are bothering you, do something about it!"

Your response should have been that you don't feel insecure but you're sick of him trying to make you feel bad about how you look.

TooMinty · 19/11/2021 18:47

@DrSbaitso

He says he will help me.. then brings home a 24pack of cola and practically forced me to eat cake at night guilt tripping me if I don't. Then moans that I'm not doing enough. It's hard to explain.

He doesn't actually want you slimmer. He's happy enough to have sex with you all the time as you are (and I bet he's shit in bed...men like that always are). But he wants you insecure and uncertain so that you're more dependent on his approval and whatever.

The "you 20kg ago" comment is cruel, sadistic and almost unforgivable when you consider what he wanted it to make you feel. You know there's no reward for putting up with this, right?

100% this. It's a control thing. He's deliberately putting you down and undermining you. Get out ASAP x

TooMinty · 19/11/2021 18:48

Don't know where those random faces came from, must be too old to use emojis...

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