to just give up hoping for anything good?

[QueenLatipah]

NCed but regular old Mner. At the end of my rope. We have been having what I call bad luck for 7 years now. Covid has just made things worse. I don't want to go into detail, but think serious life changing illness, deaths, mental troubles, job loss.... all big big problems.

We were just getting back on our feet when Covid made things a million times worse. DS has dropped out of uni with mental issues. No idea if he will go back. He is seeing our GP but things look bleak. Today DH just told me it is likely he will lose his job because his industry has been badly hit by the pandemic. He is nearly 54; will struggle to find anything else in his line. We can get by for a while but it will be hard.

I am 50 and quite exhausted after the last few years. Everything seems endless and pointless. I can't remember why I even had DC. I am tired of their big, big problems. Life was so much easier when they had little, small problems.

I am just cowering now waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. I have become very bitter and grudge other people's good fortune ( though I never say anything). I realise self pity is a very unattractive quality but I can't seem to muster up any other emotion.

I am not looking for practical advice so much as just some support. I have no one to talk to about this. Only sibling has issues of his own. Mom is old. Dad is gone.

Oh and somewhere in the last 7 years I lost my faith. What little I had of it.

I had a conversation about this the other day. It feels like everyone else is just swimming along happily and easily doesn't it? I do think some people just have it easy and always have done. I know a few people like this. I felt quite fed up the other day due to our family having one illness after another just bug after bug virus after virus. Inevitable with small children and weakened immune systems due to the pandemic. Hardly something to stress over really but I felt so annoyed as everyone around us was just absolutely fine, plodding along. In regards to finances we aren't in the best circumstance but we have a roof over our heads and we have food and warmth. You've got to just cherish the little things like that as simple as they are. Some people don't even have those. I know how you feel. It irritates me seeing people who seem to have it all and come by it all so easily and they genuinely have no problems. I know people say oh everyones got something going on but there are allot of people who are just insanely lucky in every aspect of their lives. Bastards!! Lol. Sorry you're feeling so low 💐

DH has only had this job for 2 years. Forgot to mention that he had to work away for a while, and I stayed in the UK dealing with everything on my own because DS was doing A levels. Not sure why I bothered now. It took a toll on our marriage and I might as well have gone.

I don't think everyone is swimming along, but for a while now I have noticed that really awful people- the braggarts, the conceited, the mean- do well all the time. I work with some people like this and they are all cheery about things going back to normal. I fear we will never go back to normal.

I do take your point about taking pleasure in the small things and I have tried my best to do that. But now when I see something beautiful- autumn leaves for instance- I just feel numb. Like a person on the Titanic being told to appreciate the light on the icebergs.

Oh OP didn't want to read and run but I usually am only really good at practical advice too! I just wanted to say could you have a total rethink I.e look through your finances, future plans etc and just make a massive change I.e downsizing, retiring early, moving abroad etc. I know it sounds mad but sometimes when life grounds you down so far only a big life change will free you. Good luck.

Oh op
I feel you
There are so many threads like this at the moment

Is it also a pre-menopause thing too?

Sounds tough OP and you sound ground down :(

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low, I think sometimes life is bloody relentless in how hard it can be. It can seem like one thing after another.
I had a really bad couple of years before Covid, two separate really sudden deaths of youngish family members, a serious illness of someone close and an international move that made it all harder (and was made harder because of all this) plus our marriage being rocky (in hindsight because of all this).
It just seems to be the way the cards fall sometimes.
I really hope things get better for you.
This too shall pass

Everything feels a bit hopeless I know .
I am sorry to hear that you're feeling like this
Please know you aren't alone

I appreciate the replies, thank you! I know I am not alone and take comfort in that, though I also feel sad that so many are suffering.

I do feel very ground down. I was thinking today that if only DS would stop being so miserable- and return to the happy sunny boy he used to be only a few years ago- I could handle the rest. ( He is getting help by the way but it will take a while for Sertralin and CBT to kick in).

I am waiting to see my GP because certainly some of it is menopause related, and also because I am losing people in my life. My mom was a great support to me, but Covid has made her age faster, and it is now my turn to look after her.

I just feel like sometimes I spent a lifetime looking after everyone. DH is a very practical sort. He won't let me moan ( perhaps rightly). I feel like I deserve a bit of moaning and then maybe I can move on.

About a couple of months ago, I had a biopsy for a growth in my chest, and I was actually thinking " I hope this is malignant, then someone else will look after me for a change." It was benign. Probably the only good thing that has happened to me lately.

Did your husband find a new job two years ago then OP? So that suggests that hopefully he will be able to find another job perhaps? I'd get him to start looking now if he fears the worst. DS is getting help which is great. I wonder if he could do something like transfer to a uni near home if that would help him carry on his studies?
I think that having someone just to talk to could really help you. I wonder if you could get some counselling just to help you off load and deal with all this? It's fantastic that your lump was benign OP, I think you've got to the point where you're so ground down that you can no longer see the positive of the good things that happen. Maybe time for you to talk to the doctor about depression as well? xx

It’s tough and I am in a similar position. I don’t know what the answer is other than the Buddhist teaching that the nature of life is suffering. We have to accept that and develop the ability to focus on the here and now, be thankful for the small things and know that no one gets out of here unscathed.

Anyway I am sorry.

select as necessary...

I understand entirely how you feel, have had periods like this myself. It is OK to protect yourself for a bit, it is natural.

Do not let the resilience fuckers and the toxic positivity cunts tell you what emotions to have!!!

But I also have had periods of things being really good after a stretch of them being really bad, so I feel hope for you even if you don't currently feel able to.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.💐💐💐💐

I think we've had a similar run of luck - horrendous health issues, severely premature babies, job losses, money worries and our house had subsidence, all in the space of 5 years. It was hell.

BUT

Things turned a bit of a corner and we're in a better place - but it really feels like we had a lifetime of shit in a few short years.

I hope you have a similar change in fortune OP, but remember everyone else has their struggles too

Toxic positivity cunts! That made me laugh. Exactly how I feel sometimes about all the resilience narratives being trotted out. I am going to start drinking now.

@IrisAtwood Funny you should say that bcos DH is a Buddhist and quotes this at me often. I know he is right but I often remind him that the Buddha left his wife and child behind because he could not cope!

'resilience' has turned into bullying people who have difficulties in their lives IMO

Me too, OP. I go to work to get away from stuff, then come home and within half an hour , real life has slapped me in the face again.

What a rough time.
You are stretched thin with worrying about your son, looking after your mum, tailoring your behaviour for your husband’s sake, where are you in all this? Looks like you’re possibly asking the same question.

One day at a time xx

@QueenLatipah

Toxic positivity cunts! That made me laugh. Exactly how I feel sometimes about all the resilience narratives being trotted out. I am going to start drinking now.

@IrisAtwood Funny you should say that bcos DH is a Buddhist and quotes this at me often. I know he is right but I often remind him that the Buddha left his wife and child behind because he could not cope!

Not sure the Buddha left his family because he could not cope.

My understanding is that he wanted to find a way to end suffering. He wasn’t so much leaving something as seeking something if you see what I mean.

Anyway, some of the teachings help me. But still have bad days and particularly wonder why some seem to lead charmed lives, while others have it hard.

@QueenLatipah How are you?

Just know that you’re not alone.

'the resilience fuckers and the toxic positivity cunts'

Love this! Spot on.

I hope you'll take this advice in the way I give it, which is in an attempt to be kind and caring, not as a positivity xxxx
Anyway. I really recommend starting a gratitude list or a gratitude prayer. It can be hard at first to think of anything to be grateful for but there is always something and the more you do it the easier it becomes and the more good you start to see in your life.

Feel the same, I'm always waiting for something to go wrong and can never allow myself to feel happy because if I do I know something will slap me in the face! I hate how some people have charmed lives and others have nothing but bad luck. Hate myself for feeling so bitter sometimes.

I’m so sorry OP 💐

I think there’s a lot of truth in the adage that you are only as happy as your most unhappy child. Is your DS able to access any support? Either a tutor / college counselling / GP?

I know you said no practical advice, but if you're not already, take a multivitamin with iron.

If your GP thinks you're depressed rather than peri-menopausal might be worth going with an anti-dpressant (I'm on sertraline like you're son and it helps take the edge off the everyday annoyances).

And moan all you like, you've got a plateful there.