What should I have done?

[Wallywobbles]

Hi everybody!
Posting on DM's account at her request.

So, I've just had a very scary experience with an older man at the train station and I wanted to know what I should have done.

I was sitting alone, after dropping off a friend, now waiting for my own train when an older man (25 ish) sits next to me.

Weird, especially with covid and all the others seats empty. But I don't do anything, just sit there quietly on my phone, ignoring him.

Here comes the problem. He starts talking to me, saying he has a question (which I assumed was about the trains). He proceeds to ask for my name, my age (I lied but made sure to say i was a minor - I'm just 17), the train I was taking (I lied and said the one after mine), if I want to go outside several times during the whole ordeal (to which I say no).

During all of this I'm on my phone, texting people to call me so I can have an excuse to walk away and/or stop talking to him.
Eventually he asks if I can move my arms (so I do), then he asks how much I am paid - when I mentioned I hadn't understood him he dismissed this, and then if I could do more than just use my phone with my hands.

Obviously I understand the innuendo behind these questions, but I didn't know what to do other than talk and be as passive as possible while trying to find an out by having someone call me.

He eventually left, but the whole thing left me very shaken and I spent the entire train trip crying. I did check several times to make sure he didn't follow me.

So Mumsnet, what should I have done, and what can I do next time something like this happens (keeping in mind I'm very cautious because I don't want a situation to turn physical as I'm smaller, less strong and less fast) ?

@Thelnebriati she’s in France.

This looks like an online form for getting live support for sexual harassment in France.
www.service-public.fr/cmi

Sorry this happened to you![flowers

It's just the shittiest circs... Rough area of town, unmanned station and no one else there...

After he hadn't moved, I'd have stood up and pretend to take a call/read a timetable /whatever looks normal...

I'd make sure I was still in the light - and surreptitiously see where any cctv is and go and stand right in the spot, so you're seen by any worker monitoring.

If he got on same train as me, I'd make sure I was in a carriage with other people.

If I was still alarmed, I'd find another woman/couple and pretend I knew her /greet her as long lost friend/friend of my mum /whoever and then hope she realised, and sit with them.

(this has happened to me several times from hassled young women... I obviously look fríendly)

I think call your mama if it happens again (you could pretend it's the police) and say a man is bothering me and describe him. Does anyone else think this could work? As you say, you don't want to antagonize. I think you did really well.

I echo that you owe no man your time or politeness.

At a similar age to you I was followed by a guy around a large park. Whenever I sat down he sat next to me. Eventually I hid behind a tree and then asked to walk out of the park with two women and their children. He saw and went the other way.

Now if that happened I would behave very differently! Now I’m not afraid to take up space and be loud. I would call the police and with them on the phone I would tell him to back off, he’s making me very uncomfortable and I would ask police to stay on the line until I felt that I had got somewhere safe.

He made you uncomfortable and so any fault is his not yours. You don’t need any excuse to walk away/shout for help etc. He needs to not approach lone women and act weirdly!

Thanks guys. I think I have Feel the fear somewhere. I'll give it to her.

I think she did ok.

@Etinoxaurus thanks for that link. I couldn't find anything for transport outside of Paris.

I saw an advert on French TV the other day about using the number in the link attached in case of harassment on public transport.

www.ratp.fr/stop-harcelement

Sorry that link might just be for the Ile de France

Yes yes to you don't have to be pleasant and nice. It's been drummed into us so much that it'd hard not to do. It's not our job to make a man feel comfortable. They should leave us alone. You say very loudly, "please leave me alone. No I don't want to do X,Y,Z."

If possible find someone, staff or even just another passenger, and call your parents to let them know what's happened. If on the train move to a busier carriage if possible. But don't get off at the next stop unless you know it well or there are other people there.

I have been followed before and ended up taking a detour so they didn't know where I lived , but looking back it could have been risky as I ended up in an even more quieter place. Luckily he got fed up of trapsing around and gave up

@graywall, I’m pretty sure it’s all France- it’s an initiative funded by sncf, idf etc.

@etinoxaurus That's great if it is - I saw the RATP and the IDF and thought then that it might just be local to me.

I think it's really important to use these services even if it's only afterwards as I'm not 100% sure of what exactly they could do at the time but I'm guessing they will offer advice as to what to do. But more importantly it will help show that this remains a huge problem in France and hopefully more can be done in terms of support and prevention. I have a 17 year old daughter who regularly travels alone on public transport here and whilst it doesn't happen all the time, both her and all her female friends have all been harassed by men at stations and on trains.

I understand the trying to keep it safe by being polite. I had an unnerving encounter one evening whilst waiting for my DH at a station. A man just kept talking to me, it was innocent chat but there was something’off’ and he kept trying to move into my personal space. If I moved he just moved closer again. I desperately didn’t want to talk to him but there was no one around, When my husband drove up he disappeared pretty fast which made me even more convinced he was a creep as why would he bolt away. I have never been so glad to see our carbon my life, I have had worse happen but that one sticks i my mind.

I taught my kids and now my grandkids to go into a shop, any shop/cafe/garage etc. If there are no shops or public places (museum, doctor, care home, whatever) then knock on someone's door. Yes the house is an unknown factor, but it will put someone up to no good off if you are not alone.

[quote Thelnebriati]If you are being harassed by anyone at a train station or on a train, call the Transport Police!

''To report an incident, text us on 61016, send us the details via our online reporting tool or call 0800 40 50 40 at any time.
If you’re in immediate danger, always call 999.''
www.btp.police.uk/police-forces/british-transport-police/areas/campaigns/Sexual-Harassment/[/quote]
This. I'm so sorry this happened to you. As a pp said it shouldn't but it does. I hope you're feeling ok. You were incredibly brave and calm and if I was your mum I'd be very proud of you x

Loudly and clearly “I don’t know you please leave me alone”

Otherwise get up and walk away - find another woman or staff member and tell them that this man is bothering you.

Sorry just seen that you were alone - call the police and state your name and where you are and tell them a man is hassling you and you are scared of him.

This is awful and the answer is you shouldn’t HAVE to do anything. If you feel unsafe and there is noone around another option is to live stream from your phone.

Growing up in London you get used to this nonsense as a teen/young woman

Perfect your frown
Cross you arms
Look pissed off
Walk away
If They follow tell them loudly to leave you alone

Phone someone and tell them there's someone bothering you. Even if no-one picks up

Hey OP, I'm 26 and grew up in France so I know how badly manned the train stations are here. I had to take the train daily (from a dodgy station) for a couple of years and I had this situation a couple of times when I was 17 too.

My top tip is to take advantage of the fact that you speak English - if there are people around, say loudly that you're English and you don't speak french and then move near people. If you're alone, tell the guy you don't speak french (and cross your fingers he doesn't speak English too) and then get your phone and call someone. I never ever travelled without my headphones in (ones that made it obvious I was wearing them) and if anyone I didn't like the look of tried to speak to me, I just simply ignored them and walked on/moved, don't worry about being polite. It helps to master your resting bitch face as well and just simply don't make eye contact with anyone and if someone does approach that you don't like the look of, imaging yourself having a really bad day, play the part and walk away.

I really get it, I was once stuck next to this guy on the train who would not leave me alone no matter what and I was in the window seat so couldn't get up and leave. I felt absolutely terrified and phoned my brother to come into the station to pick me up once the train got in and if I could talk to my past self now and I would tell myself to pretend that I was going to the loo/getting my luggage/meeting my friend on the train etc, anything to get away and then find someone.

The hardest part is standing up and moving away but once you've done that you just need to find someone to stand near, or stand in the cafe if there is one etc.

Good luck and don't let it put you off, men can be creeps but there are definitely ways of avoiding them without causing any conflict. x

You reacted very well. It's all instinct and confidence. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, with unknown quantities. You've no idea if doing anything except what you did wouldn't have had worse outcomes. He is a creep, and I'm sorry that happened to you. Please don't let it make you pr Mum afraid to live your life.