Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being selfish?

59 replies

Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 15:15

I work from home and my husband works shifts outside the home. As childcare a family member minds our daughter in our home (we pay her obviously).
Anyway today my husband is on a 5pm - 11pm shift in work. Even though DH was off during the day I still organised childcare for today so he could get a rest in the morning. I got up with toddler at 7am and started work at 8 when the childcare arrived. The person minding her has done us a few favours this week so when I noticed I had a quiet afternoon I said she could head home after she put DD down for a nap at 11.30 (since both me and husband were here for the afternoon I figured we could just share the toddler duties). When DD woke after 50 min I gave her lunch and played with her etc Then at 1.30 I asked him to look after DD while I caught up with some work and he refused saying he wanted another hour to himself. He basically said that I shouldn't have sent the childcare home.
Now I prob should have run it by him before sending her home but seriously, he got to lie in bed watching netflix all morning and didn't have to look after his child until 2.30!!!!
Am I being unreasonable in thinking he's being a selfish @sshole?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/11/2021 15:18

Yep he is. When do you get your morning watching Netflix in bed? Do you get downtime like that?

TotallySuper · 17/11/2021 15:20

YANBU

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/11/2021 15:22

Yanbu - I love how men think they still get the slob days with young children!

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/11/2021 15:22

Yes he's being a dick. A selfish one.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 17/11/2021 15:31

I'd be really annoyed with dh if he cancelled childcare and assumed I'd do it instead without asking me.

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 15:34

Thanks guys, just wanted impartial view before I bring this up with him.
When he's off during the week he often asks me to get the childcare those days too so he can "get things done around the house" but mostly he just watches netflix in bed. When I'm off the weekend and he's working I wouldn't even consider getting someone in to mind our daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 15:36

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov even if you had spent all day in bed and just had to mind your child for one hour?
I should have asked him though I know that.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2021 15:38

Yet another man who thinks parenting doesn't apply to him. I wouldn't tolerate this shit for one more day.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 17/11/2021 15:39

Your family member sounds very reasonable to babysit while both parents are in the house!
He’s working til 11pm not all night for God sake!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 17/11/2021 15:42

I can understand why you're annoyed and he sounds a bit useless but in this instance you're in the wrong to my mind. Just because he happens to be an arsehole the rest of the time doesn't change that. I'd be making sorting childcare his responsibility.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/11/2021 15:48

These responses are a bit unfair given we don't know anything yet other than a tiny snap shot in to one day of their lives. What shift did he work yesterday?

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 15:49

@arethereanyleftatall he was off for the last 6 days. But the childminder looked after our daughter yesterday even though he was off.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/11/2021 15:50

Wow! Then, Yanbu at all!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/11/2021 16:06

Yes he could have got up and looked after her especially as he was on a short shift, however what time he finished last night, what time he needed to leave etc all play a part. If you are working 9-5 for example, you tend to get up to give yourself enough time for breakfast and getting ready to go to work and drop DC off. You then come home and have a meal and do your evening thing and maybe go to bed 5 or 6 hours later. When I work or DH works until 10, 11, or 12 it tends to be the same. We want to come home, have something to eat a cup of tea and some chill time before sleep so may not go to bed before 4. Therefore we obviously sleep in later. So midday then becomes our breakfast time, the equivalent of getting up ready for work. I think it is the later start at 5 that messes with this scenario because for an 11 finish I would expect to start at 2 or 3 in which case he would be right to expect the child care.

tallduckandhandsome · 17/11/2021 16:09

Stop organising the childcare for when he’s at home.

Next time he asks you tell him to sort it himself.

Whose family is it?

DrSbaitso · 17/11/2021 16:18

[quote Silverclasp]@arethereanyleftatall he was off for the last 6 days. But the childminder looked after our daughter yesterday even though he was off.[/quote]
Why does this not surprise me...

AryaStarkWolf · 17/11/2021 16:40

If the childminder had to leave then I would say YANBU but as you gave her the time off i do think yabu here, you should have asked him first

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 16:42

@sweeneytoddsrazor I wasn't asking him to get up at 7am. I asked him to take her at 1.30pm for an hour. Really not unreasonable, he was off yday so it's not like he was home late.
On the days that my daughter wakes at 5 and I don't start work until 8 I don't get childcare from 5am looking after your kids before and after work is part of parenting no?

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 16:43

The childcare is my family member so that's why I usually organise it and he would have her doing 10 hr shifts if I left him organise it

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 17/11/2021 16:44

you should have asked him first

She should be asking him why he can’t be bothered doing any parenting.

fishonabicycle · 17/11/2021 16:45

He's a twat - most (women) wouldn't expect childcare when they are home not working (or sleeping). Unfortunately some men do.

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 16:45

@AryaStarkWolf yeah I see your point, I should have asked him.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 17/11/2021 16:45

@Silverclasp

The childcare is my family member so that's why I usually organise it and he would have her doing 10 hr shifts if I left him organise it
Ok fair enough, from your updates it does sound like he's not pulling his weight in general around looking after his own child
TwilightSkies · 17/11/2021 16:48

Is he lazy and selfish in other ways?
Expecting your relative childcare to mind the child while he lies on his ass in bed watching Netflix….thats kind of embarrassing.

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 16:54

@TwilightSkies not really. Like he does 50% of the housework, he does most of the cooking. But when it comes to childcare he thinks he's still entitled to the same wind down time that he had before we had kids. On the days that he does look after her when I'm working he will often ask for a "break" during the day so I end up minding her if I get a gap between calls in work.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread