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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being selfish?

59 replies

Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 15:15

I work from home and my husband works shifts outside the home. As childcare a family member minds our daughter in our home (we pay her obviously).
Anyway today my husband is on a 5pm - 11pm shift in work. Even though DH was off during the day I still organised childcare for today so he could get a rest in the morning. I got up with toddler at 7am and started work at 8 when the childcare arrived. The person minding her has done us a few favours this week so when I noticed I had a quiet afternoon I said she could head home after she put DD down for a nap at 11.30 (since both me and husband were here for the afternoon I figured we could just share the toddler duties). When DD woke after 50 min I gave her lunch and played with her etc Then at 1.30 I asked him to look after DD while I caught up with some work and he refused saying he wanted another hour to himself. He basically said that I shouldn't have sent the childcare home.
Now I prob should have run it by him before sending her home but seriously, he got to lie in bed watching netflix all morning and didn't have to look after his child until 2.30!!!!
Am I being unreasonable in thinking he's being a selfish @sshole?

OP posts:
Tee20x · 17/11/2021 16:54

5pm-11pm isn't even a full shift. It's not like he was sleeping/resting all day as he was going to be up all night doing a night shift

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 16:59

@Tee20x exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 17:06

But then maybe I'm being ungrateful he made a lasagne yesterday evening so that me and my daughter could have it this evening while he works. He also gave a portion to my family member too. Maybe I'm the @sshole

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 17/11/2021 17:07

@Silverclasp

But then maybe I'm being ungrateful he made a lasagne yesterday evening so that me and my daughter could have it this evening while he works. He also gave a portion to my family member too. Maybe I'm the *@sshole*
Do you really, truly believe this, or do you just think that you should?
Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 17:10

@DrSbaitso I don't know I was furious when it first happened but then I just saw the lasagne and remembered he is a good guy in lots of ways.
The thing today was selfish though.

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 17/11/2021 17:12

What a lazy, failure of a man and parent.

Six days off and a six hour shift? Fuck sake.

HugeAckmansWife · 17/11/2021 17:13

Jesus. You're meant to be a family unit. Looking after each other and cooking for each other is a given, you shouldn't have to be overly grateful. Having childcare when you are not actually working or getting your 'overnight' sleep and just want downtime is a pisstake.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 17/11/2021 17:19

He sounds like a prize twat, incredibly selfish.

Polmuggle · 17/11/2021 17:52

He made dinner OP. It's hardly father of the year!

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 18:08

@Polmuggle I know I was just thinking that lots of women have husbands that don't help out at all and started to feel guilty for complaining about him but really just because the the bar is really low doesn't mean I shouldn't get annoyed about something selfish he did

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 17/11/2021 18:16

Was the childminder still being paid despite heading home?

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 18:19

@1FootInTheRave yes but she looked after the baby for a few hours on Saturday evening without being paid so it works out the same thing.

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 17/11/2021 18:30

@Silverclasp

But then maybe I'm being ungrateful he made a lasagne yesterday evening so that me and my daughter could have it this evening while he works. He also gave a portion to my family member too. Maybe I'm the *@sshole*
A ransom lasagne is nothing when he does fuck all childcare and you and your family member are default parent.
Singinghollybob · 17/11/2021 18:53

So he's been off the last 6 days, he's going to work for 6 hours only and will finishing at 11pm? And he can't be arsed parenting his child for an hour?
He should be ashamed of himself

AuntMargo · 17/11/2021 18:55

Selfish lazy dick, working 6hr shift pathetic and need time to himself ! He needs to man up ! Should have not even needed any child care at all any way

2020isnotbehaving · 17/11/2021 18:57

Most people couldn’t afford the extra childcare just for someone to have their evening in the afternoon. Many can’t afford childcare after a night shift and zombie it the next day. If you are made of money and paying family member going rate that’s one thing but other wise he needs step up.

If anything else he’s telling your child I could spend hours with you but I’d rather watch Netflix thanks.

Howshouldibehave · 17/11/2021 18:58

Did you pay the childminder for the afternoon but then sent them home anyway? Was he cross about that?

Howshouldibehave · 17/11/2021 19:00

[quote Silverclasp]@1FootInTheRave yes but she looked after the baby for a few hours on Saturday evening without being paid so it works out the same thing.[/quote]
Why didn’t you pay her for the Saturday night?!

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 19:02

@Howshouldibehave yes but she had done extra hours on Saturday without payment so I was making up for that by letting her go early today. Yes he was angry that I had sent her home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 19:06

@Howshouldibehave she wouldn't take payment for the Saturday because she made the offer and child was in bed. She offered to look after her while we went for dinner. We don't really get nights out so it was lovely of her but since me and my husband were free in the afternoon today I figured I could let her go early. It's my mum.

OP posts:
Rubadubdub21 · 17/11/2021 19:14

Before my children started school, my husband was in the office and I looked after them until I had to leave at 5:45pm to get to work for 6pm. Your dh is acting like he has no extra responsibilities since your child came along. What does your Mum think of him?

Original poster
Silverclasp · 17/11/2021 19:50

@Rubadubdub21 she hasn't said anything but she is not the type to say anything critical. Maybe she is thinking it though. Honestly I was a bit embarrassed today that's part of why I sent her home early. She had been here yesterday while he was off work too so I was a bit embarrassed that he was lazing in bed again while she looked after his toddler. My dad was very hands on so it's not like my mother is looking at it from a 50's housewife kind of viewpoint

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 17/11/2021 20:45

I think you've loads of problems, I'd defo be challenging him more- I'd be embarrassed too. If he'd 6 days off and looking for childcare during them I'd be asking what specific times he needs and be using your mom as the legitimate reason. "I'm not asking my mom to come if we don't need her", "she needs a break", "she has a social life", "she's spending too much time here" etc. all true I assume. So if he needs to be doing jobs then how long should that take? And can he not do it with her pottering around etc. I'd have said to him today mom stayed Saturday, since you've had the morning in bed I'm thinking I should say to head home early, and if he said no I'd say why what's your plans. And wait.

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2021 21:02

@Silverclasp

The childcare is my family member so that's why I usually organise it and he would have her doing 10 hr shifts if I left him organise it
Is she paid?
CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 17/11/2021 21:03

I think unless your mum desperately wants the hours, I'd knock it on the head if he's there at home not working. A 6 hour shift??? Lol

Why should someone else parent his child? Id be embarrassed too.

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