To be at breaking point

[Ineedmysay]

I actually don’t know what I want from this I suppose to see if AIBU, my husband for the last few years while being great to the kids has not been so great to me, very little affection unless I’m first, I will admit I’m a hugger but him not so much , so no affection unless I initiate it, we have 3 kids, I’m a sahm, was working a couple of nights before COVID hit which he wasn’t happy me doing by the way, but I can’t do that now, but i digress , the issue is now, he’s now depressed, was missing loads of work , sole bread winner although I do have some small income, but now we are up to 6/7 weeks in bed even though he is 4 weeks into anti depressants, is this normal, should they not have kicked in now, I’m holding it all together and trying to get a job , but he promised today he would go back to work and again in bed all day, my oldest asked does daddy not have a job anymore , I’m at my wits end , I’m actually about to break but I can’t for my children , I’m so sorry I know this is all over the place
So Aibu he should get it together
Or he’s depressed

Anyone

Oh lovely I’m sorry, I don’t have advice but that sounds really tough

Has he had depression before ?
Is he employed but signed off sick, or is he self employed?

Thanks so much , not self employed and I honestly don’t know if he’s being paid or not , cos he just transfers money every month

You need to find out the financial situation first and foremost.

It sounds like you need to have a good conversation with him to explore what your options are as a family. Does he need his medication reviewing if he is not starting to feel better? Do you not talk at all?

I try to talk to him, but he shuts me down all the time

Find out where he's getting paid from so you know what's what. Antidepressants can take,I believe, up to 6 weeks or so to start seeing any improvement/effects.

Is there counselling nearby or over the phone that he could do?

If you need to get a job, you get one, doesn't matter if he's pleased about it or not.

While you can support your husband through depression,he must actively do something to help and you need to be financially stable if he is not bringing in a proper wage.

Send him back to his gp
Gp would hzve to have signed him off work
Get him to speak to his work occupational health

Find out if he being paid sick leave znd how much

Speak to go about support for you look up depression fallout

Regards the financial, he gave out to me oh get a joint account but he’s never used it, he transfers money each month into it , but he actually had no access to it, unfortunately we were both career people before getting together and it’s still separate to a point but I’m not working now

You can call MIND helpline for you

You give him an ultimatum then. He tries something, counselling,going to work, communicating more...something.

You have to have a standard, he has to give something.
I understand how crippling depression can be but he must try to add something.

Otherwise you cant live with him. Your children certainly can't.

And haven’t been since we had our first child

He'll have to go back to his GP as a pp mentioned. He cannot lay there dictating what you both can and cant do.

Unfortunately you cannot guess exactly what’s happening with him unless he tells you.

The best you can do is have a serious conversation about practical things like finances - that needs sorting ASAP. And think of the things you can control. Can you go to work?

How has he been before this episode?

Ask him out straight how the finances are working from here on out, if he's planning to keep staying off work.
You need to know what's coming in, in order to arrange work for yourself if need be.

@Notimeforaname thank you for that because that’s exactly how I feel, but I’ve stopped confrontation cos it always get twisted , but I know I have to be stronger

Is he being seen regularly by the GP or psychiatrist/psych nurse?

It can take a while to get meds right. It might need to be titrated a number of times to get the right dose. Sometimes a new medication needs to be added or the medication needs changing.

Are whoever is looking after him aware of the full extent of the problem. Do they know he can't get out of bed? Unfortunately when you have a mental illness you can't just 'get it together'.

I have a serious mental illness and been through some very difficult times. But I have come out the other side. Try to encourage him to engage with the psychiatrist or whoever as much as possible.

Also look at support for yourself. I have been in that position too as the wife of someone going through serious mental health problems and it absolutely broke me. Please look at support for yourself as a priority.

Good luck, OP

Anytime I bring it up, he doesn’t want to talk about it, so that’s why I’m looking for full time work now, cos I need to be able to provide for my kids, but I honestly won’t make much by the time I pay a childminder and then I don’t know if that’s a bad thing that I’m leaving the kids when they’re so used to having me, it honestly so hard to know what’s right or wrong

I know that he has depression but he is also a father and husband. He needs to have a discussion about finances otherwise you have no idea whether you ship is about to sink. Somehow you need to make a plan together.

Well you can take charge now op. You must. Tell him how it is,what you will and will not accept.

He has to speak with you about finances,that's first.

You tell him since he can't take care of family life or anything in life at the moment, you will be doing it all. And when he feels well enough to cope, he can come back and make some decisions.

Antidepressants can take 8 weeks to work even then they might not be right ones for him.

Go to the gp appt with him
He will need (un)fit for work notes to get sick pay
You are married you should know where money is coming from and how much and how to access it in case anything happens to him

@UndertheCedartree I’ve tried to encourage him to go get counselling but he hasn’t yet, so it’s only tablets at the moment and they’re obviously not working, I have to be stronger on this, but I’m exhausted , I don’t think i have it in me to sort him, I’m done with it , I know that sounds awful but I only have so much and that has to go to my children

Ineedmysay Even if you get a job you still need to know what the family finances look like. He needs to speak to you.

If he won't DO anything and wont even SPEAK about anything, you're banging your head off a brick wall.

I hate when people ask this question but..does he have family or friends nearby he could go to for a bit?

He absolutely cannot say there contributing nothing and controlling what can be spoken about.
Stand up to him, depression or not, you simply can't allow this to go on.
It can't be good for the children to see him(and you!) like this.

Stay*