To be at breaking point

[Ineedmysay]

I actually don’t know what I want from this I suppose to see if AIBU, my husband for the last few years while being great to the kids has not been so great to me, very little affection unless I’m first, I will admit I’m a hugger but him not so much , so no affection unless I initiate it, we have 3 kids, I’m a sahm, was working a couple of nights before COVID hit which he wasn’t happy me doing by the way, but I can’t do that now, but i digress , the issue is now, he’s now depressed, was missing loads of work , sole bread winner although I do have some small income, but now we are up to 6/7 weeks in bed even though he is 4 weeks into anti depressants, is this normal, should they not have kicked in now, I’m holding it all together and trying to get a job , but he promised today he would go back to work and again in bed all day, my oldest asked does daddy not have a job anymore , I’m at my wits end , I’m actually about to break but I can’t for my children , I’m so sorry I know this is all over the place
So Aibu he should get it together
Or he’s depressed

Oh I won’t leave this house, even though it’s complicated cos it’s actually his house , but this is where the kids have their friends, I had a house before we got together, it’s rented , so he can go live there , I’m not uprooting the kids from the only home they have known

Ineedmysay that is what he's doing.
I did the same thing as a child every Monday- Friday to try and get out of school. Crippling pain all week...no problems come friday evening.

It's pretty obvious now what he's doing.

Are you sure he still actually has a job OP?

It's a fact of life that many lost theirs during covid, could this have happened to your DH and he is too embarrassed/ashamed to tell you?

Seems he'll get lots of sympathy with his family if they all like to take to bed quickly like that too.

As suggested by several here,try a last attempt at trying to find out about the finances. And then maybe tell him you need some space til he figures out what he's doing.
You have a home and children's lives to maintain, he can lay in any bed , anywhere.

Put a stop to this ASAP. Otherwise in a few years time you will have a DC saying "PE is too hard! I want to stay home." "Algebra is hard to understand. I get a headache. I need to stay in bed and play computer games until I feel better." Learned behavior -- Daddy does it so why can't they?

What if his sadness stems from not wanting to be in the relationship anymore? Have you asked him?

If my partner was not affectionate with me at all for a long time, then became depressed, but still great with the kids, I'd have to ask how he feels about me and our relationship (completely separately to the children).

I don't want to say this to scare you, but nobody else seems to have even considered it, even though it was the first thing that occurred to me after reading a couple of sentences of your post. Someone who is in a relationship where they feel trapped but no longer want to be in the relationship could well go into depression due to feeling trapped.

If it was me I would ask how he felt about me, and if his feelings had changed since we married.

I don't like to play the guessing game but if I had to..I'd say he has lost/quit his job or isn't getting his full pay. Perhaps is getting loans or something to top up which is why he won't let you in on the finances.
Either way it doesn't change the fact he is not being a partner and is lying or keeping things from you and has selective workday depression.

It absolutely is, but we are now at 6 weeks out of work bar a day or 2 here or there , I understand it’s hard to motivate yourself to get out of a bad situation, but come on , apply for a job , he missed out on perfect jobs for him in the last couple or Years cos this wasn’t right or that wasn’t right, I swear it the whole martyr syndrome 🤯

ironorchids

Be he's fine on the weekends?

But* not be

@ironorchids, that is definitely a valid point, but if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore, speak up , why should me and my children suffer because he can’t communicate

Has he tried to do anything about not sleeping on Sunday nights? Melatonin, anxiety medication, anything? It would be strange if he hadn't, considering it's keeping him off of work. Do you know if he's signed off work or is he just calling in sick over and over? It's all very off if he's totally fine at the weekends. Well done looking into how to financially protect yourself, it's so not on that he won't discuss this with you. He might be ill but he's also really screwing you over from the sound of things.

@Ineedmysay

Anyone

Sorry to hear you'll are going through this but if hes having mental health problems there is not going to be a fixed schedule to get "back on track"....

He genuinely seems to be physically sick come work days as in vomiting etc , so I do think it’s psychosomatic, and he has an extremely stressful job which I genuinely think He can’t cope with anymore , but years ago when I had got a redundancy payment I told him give it up and find something else, but now thats not an option because that money is now gone as that was supplementing our income , and now we have 3 kids and much more responsibilities

Thanks so much I’ve got some great advice , I need to get my sh*t together and sort out the finances etc , thanks again everyone ♥️

I'm a bit astonished that you live together for long enough to have 3 children, and you have no idea of his wages or financials. Do you own a house together or rent? Is the lease in his name or both?

His health aside, you must take care of this. If you've been living common-law for that length of time, then you should be able to go to a lawyer and ask for full disclosure of his finances. You have rights to part of his pension and assets. No woman should ever not know her situation financially.

I know what you mean, I actually can’t believe I leave it go this far , We’re married , both came into the marriage with a house each obviously both houses were mortgaged both working full time before we had kids and 2 wages coming in, I was made redundant and just used that to supplement our income

Left it

Well op, I hope your talk goes well tomorrow and you stand up for yourself. I hope you get the information you need.

You seem like a very lovely and caring person who would do anything for their family, don't let him take advantage of this.

[quote Ineedmysay]@UndertheCedartree I’ve tried to encourage him to go get counselling but he hasn’t yet, so it’s only tablets at the moment and they’re obviously not working, I have to be stronger on this, but I’m exhausted , I don’t think i have it in me to sort him, I’m done with it , I know that sounds awful but I only have so much and that has to go to my children[/quote]
I completely understand. It can feel like banging your head against a brick wall. Counselling needs to come once he's stabalised on medication. He probably won't be able to engage with it at the moment. Will he allow you to come into an appointment with him to support him to get more help with this. You could also make a GP appointment for yourself to ask for support and you could get some advice about your DH too.

Either he's the breadwinner, or he's the childrens carer. He cannot expect you to do both, and he needs to decide sharpish which one he's going to commit to.
Simply refusing to discuss finances isn't because of the depre4ssion, it's because he's an arse.
It may even be an idea to take a look what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent, if he doesn't shape up and contribute somehow, id honestly consider kicking him out for the childrens sake.