To be at breaking point

[Ineedmysay]

I actually don’t know what I want from this I suppose to see if AIBU, my husband for the last few years while being great to the kids has not been so great to me, very little affection unless I’m first, I will admit I’m a hugger but him not so much , so no affection unless I initiate it, we have 3 kids, I’m a sahm, was working a couple of nights before COVID hit which he wasn’t happy me doing by the way, but I can’t do that now, but i digress , the issue is now, he’s now depressed, was missing loads of work , sole bread winner although I do have some small income, but now we are up to 6/7 weeks in bed even though he is 4 weeks into anti depressants, is this normal, should they not have kicked in now, I’m holding it all together and trying to get a job , but he promised today he would go back to work and again in bed all day, my oldest asked does daddy not have a job anymore , I’m at my wits end , I’m actually about to break but I can’t for my children , I’m so sorry I know this is all over the place
So Aibu he should get it together
Or he’s depressed

I absolutely know I should know what money is coming in , and I can’t believe I’m actually saying I don’t

I don’t think i have it in me to sort him

It's not your responsibility to sort him. Only you and the children are your responsibility here.

He may be depressed but it doesn't mean you are now responsible for him and must take on all of his responsibilities. Although you could... if you know how the finances were going. But he wont even tell you that.

If he was hit by a bus in the morning I wouldn’t even have access to it ! And believe me I’ve tried to sort this but I’m met with a brick wall

@Ineedmysay

I absolutely know I should know what money is coming in , and I can’t believe I’m actually saying I don’t

Then you ask him. He must be clear with you.

Tell him he has to sort counselling and explain the finances in detail to you , or he must go somewhere else.

You carry on looking for a suitable job anyway so that you are somewhat financially independent from him.
He has you standing around like a spare, just waiting for him to transfer money or tell you what you need to know. Fuck that. Depression doesn't make you do those things

If he simply refuses then you will have no option but to make sure your children are housed and fed. You will have to go somewhere with them - friend or family? And he will have to have his family step up and ensure he is getting mental health support. If he won't engage in conversation then something has to give. If both of you break at the same time your children are at risk.

You call the shots now op if he's checked out of life. He can't pull the strings from his bed. No.

nomorefrogs has said it all, in one message.

What is it you’re looking for advice on op? The depression sounds like a red herring to me. Ultimately you’re with a miserable, controlling financially abusive man who doesn’t seem to like you very much. Do you want to leave?

Something has obviously happened for him to be depressed like that. Has he got into debt? Been having an affair and is riddled with guilt? You need to sit him down and confront him. Get him to show you whats in the bank. You need to know more financially.

Anti depressants can work very slowly. However, slowly but surely they should begin to work - it's almost imperceptible. 4 weeks is very early days and extreme tiredness can be a side effect at this point. 12 weeks is the average for many. Be patient and you should start to see little by little improvements. Good luck

So much to take in and such good advice @nomorefrogs @Notimeforaname the family have a history of depression, or just taking to the bed when it suits, I’m honestly not down playing depression I’ve had it my own family , but it seems acceptable to just take to the bed and not do anything to help in his family and that’s what I can’t deal with, I’ve struggled but I get up and keep going cod my children need me, and ok maybe me feeling down isn’t it the same but you have to just try , but why would you when you have someone else picking up the the slack

Big conversation tomorrow, he promised he was going to go to work today , and he didn’t and I know he won’t tomorrow, but I’m not taking it anymore I can’t

@specialsauce thanks he is really tired so maybe I’m expecting too much

But he’s good at the weekend , but then when it comes to Monday he can’t sleep, I know that his job is a lot of the problem but he’s not doing anything to look for a new job, so that’s why I’m trying to get a full time job, but even if I do , what I’ll earn won’t sustain us, as I’ve been out of the workforce for years and I’ll have to still try and work around the children

You're right. You cant.

Use tonight to go over in your mind, what you want and need to say to him. Write it down if it helps.

But have boundaries and tell him what you're willing to accept or compromise on.

If all he's doing is ignoring you and transferring money, he can do that from his parents house. You need a break from him. He cant drain the life out of the family and lay in bed.
What is that teaching your children? The same thing his parents taught him. Just take to bed and do nothing..

Good luck op. No one is saying he needs to get out of bed if he simply can't but unfortunately adulting involves taking responsibility and facing up to life's challenges. He may be ill but he is causing you unnecessary extra stress by refusing to communicate. That is the issue as this leaves you picking up all the slack without having any control. He needs to hand over all control to you including financial until he is well enough to actively partake in big decisions, otherwise you will be forced to take matters into your own hands.

But he’s good at the weekend , but then when it comes to Monday he can’t sleep

Somebody needs to tell him depression isn't a Monday to Friday thing. You don't get every weekend off from depression

@Winniemarysarah, do I want to leave, I ask myself that so many times , I just don’t know, I don’t want to take my kids away from their father who absolutely adores them , it is what it is

Ah so he hates his job, hes avoiding it Monday to Friday and saying he's depressed.

Then when it's the weekend the pressure of work is off so he can relax. Then when Responsibility Monday rolls around, he's depressed again.

Okay so it's selective depression then if it's only during the week? He's sounding more like a total arse by the minute!!!

Why should you leave? Tell him to go.

Maybe wait until next weekend before you ask him to leave so that you know he'll be up and about!

@Notimeforaname, 😂😂 that actually made me laugh cos that’s what happens , so that’s what makes me think he’s just being a selfish wanker !!! And his soft life is just about to end !

Yeah he does just sound like a prick to be honest.
. He can't be a good dad like this.