Dealing with colleagues that ask intrusive questions

[Quirkyme]

Good evening,

Recently started a new role, and I have a colleague that asks me intrusive personal questions. I understand that people may usually ask a new person questions, however, when she does it it is like the Spanish Inquisition!

In my experiences, I've noticed that it is older women who tend to do this, people often old enough to me my mother - I'm in my late twenties. In the past, I've literally had to tell a colleague to mind her business (not quite in those words)because she would ask questions and then give her unsolicited opinion every time we came in contact with each other.

I feel there's a difference between people asking questions to be friendly within reason, and someone asking question after question, to delve deeper in my personal life .

I'm quite assertive, and have no issue not sharing information that I don't want to, or that may be sensitive, however, it is still annoying as hell.

I think you need to give an example of the questions

You're being vague about what is too personal to ask.

I dunno, I'd have fun with it. Make shit up. Or say something benign & ask them same thing in return -- almost everyone only really wants to talk about themselves, so give them opportunity & just keep following up with more ways of inviting them to talk about themselves. It's so easy to truly say nothing about yourself by creating opportunities for others to talk about themselves instead.

That's a bit of a personal question, would you like to know details of my daily bowel movements too?

Try that.

YABU because of the casual ageism.

Grow a backbone: "that's personal" and get on with your work

Perhaps if it's an 'older' person it's because they're more confident in themselves and wouldn't have an issue with telling someone it's none of their business or indeed being told it's none of their business.

Your post shouts out that you have a massive chip on your shoulder - bundled with an ageist attitude to your colleagues you are going to have a lot of fraught times in years to come.

To answer the question - there are a few approaches you could employ:

1. Be assertive rude and tell the old woman to fuck off and mind her own business.
2. Consider she might just be an old gimmer being friendly. Deploy option 1 - as you clearly don't feel the need to engage in office pleasantries.
3. You could just do what most of us do if asked a question about our labia or vaginal discharge and tell the offender not to ask such a personal question.
4. If the question was more related to where you buy your shoes from or what you did on the weekend, ot might be that you should lighten up.

Why do you need to know?

Rinse and repeat.

Pesky older women should be sent to bed with a mug of cocoa and a good knitting pattern.

Always listen and speak to the older generation. They are full of wisdom. They aren't afraid of the truth. And they actively take an interest because they have wisdom and truth to share.
You can learn a lot by opening up.

Your in your 20s. You're young. Either tell her you don't want her to know or open up and let go of the ego.

I'm old enough to be your mum but I wouldn't ask you any questions because I don't give a shit what the answers might be.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I'm old enough to be your mum but I wouldn't ask you any questions because I don't give a shit what the answers might be.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh God, this is me. I think it’s because I have a tendency to over share very personal information.

Making a mental note now not to ask people personal questions.

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

Always listen and speak to the older generation. They are full of wisdom. They aren't afraid of the truth. And they actively take an interest because they have wisdom and truth to share. You can learn a lot by opening up.

Your in your 20s. You're young. Either tell her you don't want her to know or open up and let go of the ego.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I'm old enough to be your mum but I wouldn't ask you any questions because I don't give a shit what the answers might be.

my thoughts exactly

Fourminutes you win the thread

I can't tell what's happening here because you have no examples or context. Generally the older people get the more confident and relaxed they get interacting and conversing with people. Maybe you could try lightening up a bit and ask a few questions back. She probably thinks you're a bit rude for not asking questions back.

If this keeps happening with different people it's probably you that is part of the problem. Maybe these people are filling a conversational void, it's hard to tell without knowing what job you are doing.

when i was young i used to say, rather vaguely,
well we can't go into that now.
wish i'd stuck to it.

It's those awful older wimmen again...

I'm easily old enough to be your mother but I don't ever ask anyone intrusive personal questions. I don't know how people can be so insensitive/tone deaf as to how what they say sounds.

I tend to deflect and ask questions back - open ended questions: how what where when why
ones that can't be answered yes or no and then I'd have control of the conversation so I am the questioner and in control of the conversation

SO (NL = nosey lady)
NL : tell me, how long have you lived in x town then?
Me : Oh a fair while, how about you?
NL: uh, all my life
Me : So you grew up here, which school did you go to?
NL: Hetty High School
Me: Oh I've heard that's a really good school, what were your favourite subjects?
NL : um German and Chemistry

etc

A useful phrase of mine is 'that's an interesting question' and I also like to use 'I could answer that a number of ways' or 'I'm not sure you'd be interested in my somewhat boring reply'

Those older women! Seriously, what a horrible attitude you have. They are being nice - if you dont want to answer, divert them by asking them about themselves. Or figure out a phrase like I dont want to keep banging on about myself and trot it out when the questions go too far. But get over yourself with the comments about the older women.

I worked with both male and females colleagues who did this.

Mainly one man and one woman who were baffled by the fat that I was single and childless in my thirties.

I was asked if I wanted children, if I planned to have them alone, if I had ever had a relationship and why my last relationship ended,

Each and every time I looked at them puzzled and said - why do you ask?

They said just curious (or something to that effect) I said oh and walked away.

It stopped pretty quickly

Seriously??!!! Why is everyone so outraged that the approximate age range of the people in question has been indicated? Old/older isn’t a dirty word. It would be different if OP said “all older women do X Y Z”. Surely people can tell the difference?

In order to deal with the problem at hand, my suggestion is to do the mysterious wizard act. Any time you are confronted with an intrusive question, do a wistful Gandalf smile and look sideways, sigh, and say “Ah, who can say?/Well, there’s a question for another time and place/Interesting, interesting…I will have to get back to you with my answer” then swoosh your cloak and drift away with dignity.

You definitely don’t have to answer questions that make you uncomfortable because you will benefit from the wisdom of the elders. It’s for you to decide if you have a connection with someone and want to talk about your personal life.

@Brefugee

YABU because of the casual ageism.

Grow a backbone: "that's personal" and get on with your work

This.