Dealing with colleagues that ask intrusive questions

[Quirkyme]

Good evening,

Recently started a new role, and I have a colleague that asks me intrusive personal questions. I understand that people may usually ask a new person questions, however, when she does it it is like the Spanish Inquisition!

In my experiences, I've noticed that it is older women who tend to do this, people often old enough to me my mother - I'm in my late twenties. In the past, I've literally had to tell a colleague to mind her business (not quite in those words)because she would ask questions and then give her unsolicited opinion every time we came in contact with each other.

I feel there's a difference between people asking questions to be friendly within reason, and someone asking question after question, to delve deeper in my personal life .

I'm quite assertive, and have no issue not sharing information that I don't want to, or that may be sensitive, however, it is still annoying as hell.

What kind of things do you ask people when you are trying to make conversation? Could they just be going for polite interest.

Of course, if they are old enough to be your mum, their lives are practically over and their only hope is to live vicariously through their fascinating twenty something colleagues.

A woman in my work seemed obsessed with asking me when I was going to have a baby, she openly would ask me ‘are you trying’ holy sh*t I got so sick of it I ended up saying to her Sandra shall I bring in a diary of when my husband and I have had sex, Jesus it’s pretty much what your asking 🤣 anyway I did have a child to her excitement.. I got a whole bunch of knitting.. kinda cute afterwards but some people have no filter..
Don’t answer what you are unsure of or uncomfortable with.. you can also try putting it back on to them to see what they say .. I do that quite often with the real nosey ones

@Grida The mention of an age category seems to have really bothered you and some others. Why? I’m genuinely trying to understand.

Also it seems like a few of the “you’re an ageist” replies have then gone on to implicitly mock younger people, like OP, with sarcastic comments about how “fascinating” they are, for example. Seems slightly hypocritical.

It has never crossed my mind that describing the age of a person/people who have participated in a behaviour is a type of hate crime. Am I vastly abnormal for this?

There are 2 ways round this that I use, depending on my mood: Either I give non-committal and unspecific answers if they ask anything and carry on with my work or be shocking with the answer.

I went to the office a few weeks ago and there is a new lady there, she was nattering away to the person opposite me and I couldn't concentrate so I already had the hump. She was talking about her daughter who might be having twins (doesn't know yet) someone mentioned "Oh Tilly has twins!". Later when I was waiting for a meeting to start she came into the room where I was (literally opened the door even though she could see on screen I was waiting for a meeting" and started asking me about twins... "Yes I do have twins, but I'd better get on with my meeting now..." then she said "Did you have IVF?" I mean wtf? I replied "No, but I do like fucking. A lot". She left. She didn't say anything to me when I went in last week. Job done.

Just tell them you don't feel comfortable.

But no heed for the ageism.

I agree - prime examples being my own mother (I've been there when she's interrogated total strangers) and DP's!
The age is very relevant because if anybody else asked it would be seen as intrusive - but these people think they're showing care and taking an interest in other people's lives (not my words, my mother's!). Can you imagine a young man asking a woman all these things?

I just give clearly rubbish answers or start asking even more intrusive questions which usually shuts them up.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I'm old enough to be your mum but I wouldn't ask you any questions because I don't give a shit what the answers might be.

😄 haha.

Me me me

@TillyTopper

There are 2 ways round this that I use, depending on my mood: Either I give non-committal and unspecific answers if they ask anything and carry on with my work or be shocking with the answer.

I went to the office a few weeks ago and there is a new lady there, she was nattering away to the person opposite me and I couldn't concentrate so I already had the hump. She was talking about her daughter who might be having twins (doesn't know yet) someone mentioned "Oh Tilly has twins!". Later when I was waiting for a meeting to start she came into the room where I was (literally opened the door even though she could see on screen I was waiting for a meeting" and started asking me about twins... "Yes I do have twins, but I'd better get on with my meeting now..." then she said "Did you have IVF?" I mean wtf? I replied "No, but I do like fucking. A lot". She left. She didn't say anything to me when I went in last week. Job done.

That's nice....

@GADDay

Your post shouts out that you have a massive chip on your shoulder - bundled with an ageist attitude to your colleagues you are going to have a lot of fraught times in years to come.

To answer the question - there are a few approaches you could employ:

1. Be assertive rude and tell the old woman to fuck off and mind her own business.
2. Consider she might just be an old gimmer being friendly. Deploy option 1 - as you clearly don't feel the need to engage in office pleasantries.
3. You could just do what most of us do if asked a question about our labia or vaginal discharge and tell the offender not to ask such a personal question.
4. If the question was more related to where you buy your shoes from or what you did on the weekend, ot might be that you should lighten up.

Your response made me spit my drink out!! Love it

@WorraLiberty

Pesky older women should be sent to bed with a mug of cocoa and a good knitting pattern.

That sounds like heaven, and I'm technically still middle-aged. Can I self-identify as a pesky older woman?

@TannyFickler

You are not abnormal for thinking it isn’t a hate crime. It isn’t a hate crime.

I have this at the school gate!

'Ah have you just finished work?' "what do you do"? "ah where do you do that?' "how long did you have to train to do that?'

These are off women trying to figure me out.(Nosey fuckers)

Open your eyes wide, say “Gosh, you ask a lot of questions, don’t you?” Or “I don’t want to get into all of that at work.” Then pointedly don’t answer.

She’d have to have the skin of a very thick crocodile to not receive that message.

You need to figure out why she is asking the questions.
If she is making conversation, then just change the topic and steer it to what you are interested in.
If she is being nosy, then you could be nosy back, or just say “I don’t think that’s an appropriate thing to talk about” if you want to put a stop to it.
Some people just like asking questions and once they have asked all that they are interested in they just stop. In some cultures it’s normal to be forward and ask questions. If you travel abroad sometimes complete strangers ask questions. So if she isn’t from the same culture as you it might be that. Once you notice these things it makes relations much easier.

I got this OP when I moved area from a city to a small town. I'd never been asked so many personal questions in my life by anybody. Took a lot of getting used to - I thought they were nosey sods but I imagine they thought they were being friendly. Didn't feel friendly to me, just plain intrusive. I couldn't imagine what they did with the answers unless to gossip.

You do need to have stock responses as some have mentioned above - 'why do you ask?' (It stumps them). 'I'm sure you don't want me to bore you with my personal life', 'you do ask a lot of personal questions'.

You need to give us an example of the questions.

“Have you come far?”

“keep your beak out, Liz.”

Have you come far?
Have you?

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I'm old enough to be your mum but I wouldn't ask you any questions because I don't give a shit what the answers might be.

😆

@Squeezedtillipop

“Have you come far?”

“keep your beak out, Liz.”

Pmsl

Just how personal are these personal questions?

@Quirkyme

Good evening,

Recently started a new role, and I have a colleague that asks me intrusive personal questions. I understand that people may usually ask a new person questions, however, when she does it it is like the Spanish Inquisition!

In my experiences, I've noticed that it is older women who tend to do this, people often old enough to me my mother - I'm in my late twenties. In the past, I've literally had to tell a colleague to mind her business (not quite in those words)because she would ask questions and then give her unsolicited opinion every time we came in contact with each other.

I feel there's a difference between people asking questions to be friendly within reason, and someone asking question after question, to delve deeper in my personal life .

I'm quite assertive, and have no issue not sharing information that I don't want to, or that may be sensitive, however, it is still annoying as hell.

Depends what they are asking and why.

Bloody hell to the poster who says that young people should ask their elders questions, don't say that I don't want anyone asking me questions! I just want to be left alone. Not to mention someone trotting up to me seeking the wisdom of my years ....I mean I know quite a lot about zombie Canon in films? I've also read quite a lot about fungi, outside of that my wisdom is not particularly helpful if I'm honest, and certainly not forthcoming.

OP you were a bit silly to comment on age, I mean did you not read the name of the forum ? Hardly likely to go down well.

That said it really is nothing to do with age, nosy arses are just that. They witter on all over the place. I'm not a fan of being asked ....well pretty much anything, so just raise an eyebrow roll your eyes and give a vague answer. They get the message after a while.

For goodness sake don't bugger about with the ifs ands and buts. Some will insist that they are just being interested or nice but noone is after the first hint. If they were nice , the first time you socially batted them away they would shut up and respect your privacy.

When I don't want to talk to somebody they get one word answers

They get the message real quick